How to convince my elderly parents to move back

[Anonymous]

When I was in my 20s, my parents retired and moved to the west coast. They love it! The area where they live is nice, but it's a 6 hour flight and 2 hour drive to get them from DC.

My father is in a wheelchair and my mother, while healthy, is 80 years old.

My siblings and I have tried to encourage them to move back east but they are SO stubborn about it. We even found a great place on the beach 1/2 way between all of us (that we plan to buy for them). They refuse.

All the grandchildren have made a video requesting them to move closer - didn't work.

Anyone able to convince stubborn parents to move closer? Please share your tricks.

[Anonymous]

You're thinking about it the wrong way. It's not about persuading them that it would be nicer or more fun. They're refusing because the logistics and stress of moving would be too much for them. They can't process it, it's overwhelming. That's why they're stonewalling you.

I would suggest maybe their ability to manage life is not as good as you're believing it is. Older adults can create a great facade from a distance. Go out without your kids and become a fly on the wall, it may be eye-opening.

[Anonymous]

You should have moved them back earlier unfortunately
They're hitting right up against the age.Where they're starting to lose their mental faculties.And it will be extremely stressful for them to be uprooted from the home.They've known for over twenty years

[Anonymous]

I think they might be better off really close to one of their children, rather than in the middle of the children but not near any of them. Soon it will be constant every-little-thing needs, and it'll be a drag if you have to drive more than an hour.

Does this beach location have great medical care?

[Anonymous]

What the PPs said. It's too late. They may be able to navigate their existing home with their eyes closed, because they know it so well, and do their grocery shopping at the same place each time, and go to medical appointments to see the same doctors... but they don't have the working memory/executive functioning skills to organize a move, or the emotional and psychological bandwidth to even consider such a life-changing event.

[Anonymous]

Do they visit you all? Maybe give them an all-expenses paid long “vacation” where they can see how wonderful it would be to be back here, where all of you help out with this and that.

[Anonymous]

They're not going to move back of their own free will. Is there a good CCRC near them?

[Anonymous]

Second the suggestion they should be close to a sibling. Recently moved my elderly parents close to a sibling, and transition has been really smooth, in part because sibling can stop by and help with little things and just say hello.

That said, it was a years-long process to convince them to move. Not sure we persuaded them so much as they gave up when their friends started moving to be closer to family as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're thinking about it the wrong way. It's not about persuading them that it would be nicer or more fun. They're refusing because the logistics and stress of moving would be too much for them. They can't process it, it's overwhelming. That's why they're stonewalling you.

I would suggest maybe their ability to manage life is not as good as you're believing it is. Older adults can create a great facade from a distance. Go out without your kids and become a fly on the wall, it may be eye-opening.

I never thought of it that way - it's so hard to see your parents as not capable. My siblings and I are willing to do all the logistical work, but perhaps I need to be more clear in what we can do for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they might be better off really close to one of their children, rather than in the middle of the children but not near any of them. Soon it will be constant every-little-thing needs, and it'll be a drag if you have to drive more than an hour.

Does this beach location have great medical care?

Yes, and it's an hour from my oldest brother - so still pretty close. I'm the furtherest away (but the only daughter, which for some reasons my brothers tend to defer to me on this stuff). There is a hospital about 10 driving minutes from the place we are looking - and my younger brother makes a LOT of money and plans to hire a care worker to come check on them daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they might be better off really close to one of their children, rather than in the middle of the children but not near any of them. Soon it will be constant every-little-thing needs, and it'll be a drag if you have to drive more than an hour.

Does this beach location have great medical care?

Yes, and it's an hour from my oldest brother - so still pretty close. I'm the furtherest away (but the only daughter, which for some reasons my brothers tend to defer to me on this stuff). There is a hospital about 10 driving minutes from the place we are looking - and my younger brother makes a LOT of money and plans to hire a care worker to come check on them daily.

Is there a reason you and your siblings aren’t considering a move near one of you? I can’t see my parents moving away from the place they’ve lived for years to still be an hour from the nearest one of us. From their vantage point a care worker is a stranger. Why give up their familiar area and social lives, however limited they are, for that situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they might be better off really close to one of their children, rather than in the middle of the children but not near any of them. Soon it will be constant every-little-thing needs, and it'll be a drag if you have to drive more than an hour.

Does this beach location have great medical care?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're thinking about it the wrong way. It's not about persuading them that it would be nicer or more fun. They're refusing because the logistics and stress of moving would be too much for them. They can't process it, it's overwhelming. That's why they're stonewalling you.

I would suggest maybe their ability to manage life is not as good as you're believing it is. Older adults can create a great facade from a distance. Go out without your kids and become a fly on the wall, it may be eye-opening.

I never thought of it that way - it's so hard to see your parents as not capable. My siblings and I are willing to do all the logistical work, but perhaps I need to be more clear in what we can do for them.

Seems like it's time to change your viewpoint.

If you go out alone and stay long enough that they get used to your presence and stop being on their best behavior, you may have a much better sense of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My father is in a wheelchair and my mother, while healthy, is 80 years old.

Divide and conquer. Talk to your mom about how she'll need help taking care of your dad. Ask her what the plan is, when he becomes too hard for her to help move. Has she picked out a care home for him yet? Let's go look at one. Because mom, if something happens to dad, we aren't going to be able to help you from far away....

Talk to your dad about how you are worried about your mom. She needs more respite.. YOU can't help, but has he thought about who could help care for him in the wheelchair, when something happens to HIM? You guys are too far away for helping. But maybe there are respite places he could go. Let's look some up and see how much they cost.

[Anonymous]

They are adults and have agency to make their own decisions. The highest chance you have for a move is after one of them dies.

That said, I do not suggest moving them somewhere where they are an hour away from each of you. Pick one and have them move as close as possible. An hour each way gets very old very fast when you need to be there several times a week.