13 year old girl cutting

[Anonymous]

I found out this evening that my 13 year old daughter is cutting herself on the arms. She is on a low dose of Prozac, and we are still waiting for our psychiatry appointment.

I am at a total loss as to what I should be doing. Therapy? Inpatient programs? Any advice anybody can give is so appreciated. I am scared to death, and feel so powerless to help right now.

[Anonymous]

Take her to the ER

[Anonymous]

As someone who was placed in in-patient as a fourteen year old (and a couple of times as a young adult), I don't recommend inpatient. Most in-patient programs simply house patients and try to stabilize them to where they can do outpatient treatment. I consider it appropriate for folks who are suicidal or homicidal or about to truly crash and burn their whole life. It sounds like this is not that. And I have not heard good things about DMV area inpatient options.

She needs an excellent therapist, an excellent psychiatrist, and all of the support you can give her. Family support is huge -- the knee jerk reaction to mental health problems is always "therapy!" and "medication!" Those two approaches are critical, but when people think that treatment will "fix it" they become sorely disappointed and frustrated. It won't. It will help. Hopefully a lot. But it doesn't make the problem disappear. Not like an antibiotic for strep throat.

Best of luck. Please take very, very loving care of that DC -- even when it is the most challenging thing in the world.

[Anonymous]

Try to figure out the triggers and really self-analyze how you've taught her to manage these stressors and if you contribute to them at all (is there fighting in the home? At school? Do you stress her out? Do her peers? How has she managed stressors in the past? Is it a call for help?). I also agree that throwing her in-patient could potentially escalate the issue.

[Anonymous]

My 16 year old did some cutting earlier this year. Is she willing to talk about it? Try to get a sense of how much, how often,etc and it she has thoughts of suicide.

We locked up my kid’s favorite knife and started CBT therapy to teach tools to interrupt negative thought patterns. We also established that parents checking in by text instead of face to face was preferred (although it feels really awkward to text from the next room). Although they had some suicidal thoughts, they never made a plan or cut very often, so we were lucky - it has more been in the call-for-help end of the spectrum.

What helped me was making a list of all the local resources and coming up with my own plan for which crisis line I would call if things got worse, and which intensive outpatient program I would try for first. I also recommend the NAMI support group for families.

Hugs- this is really tough, so don’t be hard on yourself.

[Anonymous]

I found listening to this Lisa D'Amour podcast was a really helpful first step: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/118-my-daughter-is-cutting-herself-what-should-i-do/id1525689066?i=1000612287037

As a start... tell your kid you love them, that you know they are hurting, that the feelings they are having will pass, and that you'll get through it together. And then LISTEN to them.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry op. My 14yr old ds was cutting himself. We suspected something but his sports coach noticed cuts on his arms at practice one day and called us. We are thankful he did. We put him in therapy and realized he had a lot of stressors between a girlfriend playing mind games with him and some tension at home. Fortunately he understood the severity of what he did and has been able to stop. But as one pp said, find out what’s causing stress in her life and have her speak to a therapist. This will pass and you are a great mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take her to the ER

No

If they are superficial scars, do not do this unless she is suicidal.

OP, most girls cut in their inner thighs so no one can see it.

Get her into therapy, get some books, offer her journaling and get her fidget toys, stress balls, etc…

Lock up scissors, razors, and knives.

25-30% of teens cut. Also realize Prozac can initially have bad symptoms week 2-3 usually before it starts to work. But if it is too bad, she should stop. Watch her closely. Tell her to be patient with her feelings and come to you for help. Do NOT shame her.

It can be tough, but treatable. Most girls that cut are not trying to kill themselves. They are looking for control or to feel something.

[Anonymous]

Remove social media.
Not as a punishment but as a treatment, because this is where the thoughts and reinforcement to engage in this type of self mutilation originates to begin with.
Next, surround her with the love and attention she’s seeking.
And finally, find a charity or cause you can engage in together that will take her outside of her own thought patterns and feeding her feelings of worthlessness to focus her attentions on easing the suffering of others, making a positive difference in someone else’s life, and finding purpose and joy in serving others. From this type of meaningful engagement, her perspective will start to shift and she will be able to see the value she can bring to the world.

This is not to say that your daughters thoughts of despair or hurt aren’t real. To a teen, every moment can feel significant and every problem insurmountable. But therapy is t always the answer. Often times when we indulge in our own struggle, it can have a way of taking root and growing the problem rather than diminishing it.

[Anonymous]

We also went through this with our child when they were 13. They told us the level of hopelessness and anxiety was overwhelming, and they were using it as a way to control these feelings. It took about a year to get all the support needed and to see them in a better place—we got a psychiatrist and a diagnosis, but they did in fact end up as an inpatient in the hospital for about a week as there was some suicidal ideation (like an earlier poster stated -- our child told us this was a traumatizing experience, but I can also say it gave us an immediate support team, which we needed). Our child was medicated and, after the hospital, they were put in an outpatient program to help teach coping skills. Things improved but not truly until we found the right therapist, and through this, they also started in a DBT group. Having other teens in the DBT group who were having to learn how to manage emotions seemed to help, and they really liked their individual therapist, which is huge.

Weirdly, someone also told us that teens like this are usually low on vitamin D and, sure enough, not only did they test low on this in a blood test, once we got them on a daily dose of Vit D, they seemed to stop having the urge to self-harm. The school also helped get a 504 set up, so they have a support team at school and a counselor they can go to if things get stressful there.

I agree with an earlier poster who said “listen to them and tell them you love them” – I also think you need to tell them “I have your back and will not let you fall” – and show them by finding out ways to support them both physically and emotionally. For us it became about using our strength to be there for them but not to overly control them—which can be a really difficult balance. Behind the scenes you are removing things they can use to hurt themselves and talking with the school etc. to set up a support team, but when you are around them, you are providing concrete forms of care, levity and love.

I also think finding someone who has gone through this to talk to is essential. It is not only more common than people realize, finding people to talk to and learn about what to do will give you concrete things to do to help show your child they will get through like others have, and find a positive future. Teens are bombarded with expectations from every angle (school, sports, media, friends, and family) and they do not always know who will really truly look out for them and understand them. A good therapist, and we have been lucky to have had this experience, is that person who is there just for them, and can, moreover, help them deal with possible pressures that also come from parents. A recommendation from someone for a good therapist is an important start. I wont go into too much detail here -- but if you need more specifics about in-patient hospitals for teens (their care approach varies wildly and some are better than others -- Virginia better than DC for example), counseling programs / therapy, etc. I hope all of us who have been through this can provide more info on this site. It is not something you should have to go through on your own. Once you get the support systems in place, these can help your child, and will also have you feeling supported, which is key.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice. I just want to say I'm really sorry.

[Anonymous]

It’s been too common for a long time. My friend used to cut words into her leg. She’s 50 now. Her mother and father were abusive.

Kids also cut because of a breakup or bullying at school or anything they can’t deal with on their own. A therapist will hopefully help with why she’s doing this and how to find another way to cope.

[Anonymous]

I have not read all of the responses yet, however, I wanted to tell you that I know how scary this is as a parent. We found out our daughter was self harming in the fall of her seventh grade year. We immediately got her in to her therapist’s office who was able to get her seen quickly by an amazing psychiatrist. It took a few months to find the right med combination but the struggle during that roller coaster was worth it in the end. She is now at the end of eighth grade, sees her psychiatrist regularly, knows the importance of her medication, and it has been well over a year since she last self harmed.

This is the advice that we followed from her therapist and psychiatrist in the beginning…
1) She was never ever home alone (this is still something we limit).
2) We had to search her room, bathroom, etc for all sharps.
3) Her door was only to be closed when changing clothes.
4) Her psychiatrist also explained to her that if she felt like she was going to harm herself, she had to ask to be taken to the ER. She only had to do this once and it turned out to be a bad reaction between her meds and an antibiotic. On that note, never ever let her take a Z-pack if she on Prozac.
5) If she had the urge to harm, she was not supposed to be alone. She knew to find me or her father and she could just be in the same room with us without talking.
6) If she can tell you specific triggers, eliminate them at all costs. This caused a huge life change for us but the results were almost immediate.

Sending you and your daughter all the very best wishes. This is a terrible and scary time — seek out as many resources to help her as you can. Also, do not be afraid to talk about it with her. Normalize mental health and demonstrate that she can tell you anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take her to the ER

ER isn’t likely to have anything to offer. Admission is highly unlikely - BTDT and admission only happened because my kid had also overdosed requiring g both medical and psychiatric management.

Any I patient you would find is likely residential treatment. Admission would depend on your ability to pay because insurance typically pays little and, if you get any coverage it’s typically minimal and you have to supplement to get the benefit of the program.

I found cutting very difficult to deal with. It was a pretty long term problem. We used different psychiatrists and therapists. In the end I can’t say what stopped it. What I can say is that SSRIs made it worse and each time one was tried, we saw major cutting episodes due to activation syndrome. So you might want to consider that experiencing activation on Prozac.

[Anonymous]

Try DBT. Call around to various practices and see who has openings. There are some that have no waitlist so keep trying if you are told by the first few that they will put you on a list (though there’s no harm in being added in case you want a change later). Most places will require both individual and group sessions.