Blame Game/Do you consider this lying? is it inherent in personality?

[Anonymous]

DD seems to always find a way to blame someone else for any issue impacting her. To the point where she angrily accuses the person who in reality has no fault in the situation.

The reason I ask if it’s inherent to personality is because DD is the type of person to ask for help with something and then redo what’s been done and complain that you made her late by her having to redo it to her liking. She may ask a sibling to fill her water bottle, they may add too much ice or too little water so she re does the work that’s been done and now she’s missed her bus and is loudly proclaiming that it’s their fault.

I see this blame game, as lying. Accusing someone else of something that is not their fault but your own. That person did not make you late in the above example, it’s that you stopped to redo what they did for you that made you late.

I feel like I know adults who act this way but if there’s anything I can do to prevent this from being a lasting personality point of conflict, I would gladly.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to do everything for herself since everyone else seems to create problems for her.

[Anonymous]

Not lying

[Anonymous]

My DD does this too. I don’t see this as lying with an intent to deceive others but more as a defense mechanism to protect herself from self-blame. When she does blame herself for something, she is very hard on herself, so I think she protects herself from this harsh self-judgment by blaming others when possible. Not sure I’ve been successful at changing this part of her personality, but I do talk to her about it after the fact, and she acknowledges that her blaming of others is unfair, and she apologizes. But in the heat of the moment, she still does it and has a hard time seeing it any other way. I also try to get her to be easier on herself and to forgive herself for bad choices, so that she doesn’t feel so afraid of admitting fault. She is an intense perfectionist, so it’s hard for her to manage her feelings. If you can try to empathize with your DD and try to understand why she blames others then maybe you can help her get to the root of the issue. Does she recognize after the fact that it’s unfair to blame others? Is she able to see the unfairness if she puts herself in the other person’s shoes? My DD absolutely does understand these things but just can’t think logically when she’s angry and frustrated. For her it’s almost like an instinct to lash out at others when she’s frustrated with herself. But she knows it’s wrong after the fact. So it’s a work in progress that hopefully will improve as she matures. She’s 13 now and has always been like this.

[Anonymous]

I agree it sounds like frustration born out of perfectionism. The easiest thing to do when you're frustrated is blame whoever else is involved.

[Anonymous]

My DD has this issue and was eventually diagnosed with NPD. Not saying that will be your daughter but tread carefully.

[Anonymous]

My older sister began doing this around age 13 or 14. She is now 60.

It turned out to be severe mental illness. She has had a lifelong struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder.

The symptoms you describe are classic BPD.

[Anonymous]

Of course it's lying. Lying is what people do when they refuse to accept the truth and consequences.

She's going to make life worse for herself and her ever shrinking circle of friends, unless she learns how to cope with being who she is.

[Anonymous]

Borderline personality disorder. They blame everyone else when they become overwhelmed by their emotions.

[Anonymous]

It’s not lying but it’s not honest and it’s loathsome.

[Anonymous]

In my experience: it comes from deep sense of shame and insecurity, and a lack of sense of self. I wouldn’t say for sure it’s a personality disorder but I do see these traits most in personality disorders.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like anxiety to me. Either way she needs some sort of therapy, and also to be called on her bull$hit. “Sarah, why would I help you fill your water bottle if all you are going to do is yell at me?”

[Anonymous]

ADHD ex-dh is like this.

[Anonymous]

i would start with not drawing attention to it and allowing her to see YOU take the blame and show its no biggie. Say out loud "I can't believe I forgot to salt the past water! Good thing we can add some now!"
"I forgot to sign the permission slip, thank you for reminding me Larla!"

DO this over and over again. Not getting made and owning up to small/big mistakes.

Then when she has a small mistake, say "Larla, I see the laundry did not get taken to your room, good thing you can do it now. Thank you!"

DOn't try to point out every instance, but draw attention to ones you think wouldn't bruise her ego so much to admit and build from there.

Also, therapy will likely help

[Anonymous]

This podcast explains it well:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/flusterclux-with-lynn-lyons-for-parents-who-worry/id1506503059?i=1000621869313