Blame Game/Do you consider this lying? is it inherent in personality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i would start with not drawing attention to it and allowing her to see YOU take the blame and show its no biggie. Say out loud "I can't believe I forgot to salt the past water! Good thing we can add some now!"
"I forgot to sign the permission slip, thank you for reminding me Larla!"

DO this over and over again. Not getting made and owning up to small/big mistakes.

Then when she has a small mistake, say "Larla, I see the laundry did not get taken to your room, good thing you can do it now. Thank you!"

DOn't try to point out every instance, but draw attention to ones you think wouldn't bruise her ego so much to admit and build from there.

Also, therapy will likely help

Not op, but thank you for this language to help avert reflexive blaming or defensiveness.

[Anonymous]

My DH does this- he was diagnosed with ASD/ADHD pretty far into adulthood.

His sister does this on a much more intense level and has BPD.

So in my limited experience, it does have to do with a brain that is wired differently but can present itself across a spectrum.

I think my SIL has severe problems that wouldn't have changed had she been parented differently, but my DH would have benefited from the language PP above posted about language to avert defensiveness.

It's also important to talk out loud about perfectionism, shame, etc. DH is really touchy about those topics because he takes it as a personal attack. I try to verbally own and narrate my own shortcomings or mistakes to highlight the harmlessness of most of my mistakes and expose the feelings that many of us have to some degree. I am really deliberate about talking about stuff like this in front of DD.

[Anonymous]

Is she or anyone in the family adhd or high functioning autism?

If not treated effectively they develop their own maladaptive coping methods themselves, like lying, omitting the truth, blaming others, starting regiments instead of resolving an issue, and deflecting.

That all needs to be nipped in the bud. Don’t give up, or it will be monstrous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My older sister began doing this around age 13 or 14. She is now 60.

It turned out to be severe mental illness. She has had a lifelong struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder.

The symptoms you describe are classic BPD.

My ex was diagnosed at age 39 with ASD and Biploar II.

Same issue: lying and blaming family, even his own kids, for his mistakes. Even denied what he said two minutes ago. I thought he was psychotic and needed a brain scan at one point. But he destroyed the relationship before that.

And denied his symptoms and diagnoses and the whole 20 page neuropsych and 1 hr post-consult. He sat there and said nothing. Then played the victim. Victim of a stupid phd psychologist. Never did any of the doctors recommendations for therapy or meds or DBT.

Multiple doctors and lawyers later asked how I got as adult male who was that narcissistic and belligerent in for a 4 hour neuropsych test in the first place. Well, he was ignorant, thought he was perfect, and went in to the test to prove he was great and everything was my fault.

Now I get to fear one or both of the kids inherited it. One has an adhd Dx thus far, and temper tantrums, impulse eats, bullies the sibling a lot. Perfect in school though.