Would you tell your IVF child that you discarded the extra embryos?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things:

1) No, not everyone ends up with a bunch of extra embryos. It’s age and diagnosis dependent, and luck plays a huge role. For me, unexplained secondary infertility, great numbers, 39 years old, the doctor said on average you get one PGT-A normal embryo, which basically gives you a 50/50 shot at a baby, hence the 50% success rate. We ended up with a whopping 4 embryos, but 3 were PGT-A abnormal (not compatible with life). Our one stuck, so no extra.

2) I think some of this is misplaced anxiety. What you will tell your hypothetical child 10+ years from now is an emotional red herring. It sounds like YOU are a bit uncomfortable discarding embryos, and that’s how your mind is expressing that discomfort. I’d explore from that angle.

Bingo. I think PP hit it with #2.

Also, kids and teens and young adults are very self-focused and unlikely to even ask about extra embryos.

Agree with all. Op, are you asking this along the same vein of would you tell your kid about having an abortion? Any kids/teens I know would find this weird information to receive I think.

What are you thinking they would think?? About a sibling? Maybe some only kids want a sibling and some kids imagine an older brother or older sister being ideal. But most kids/teens don't want a baby or wish for a younger sibling. To me this is medical info and your choices that you would have no reason to share with a kid. It's just neutral information.

[Anonymous]

I did natural cycle IVF because I was DOR, but if I’d had extra embryos, no I wouldn’t feel the need to tell my child I discarded them. They are a ball of cells.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I’m now in my late 40s - and even though I hadn’t ever envisioned more than two kids, the way the first two experiences were just so simple - transfer, zero issues, easy birth and awesome kid 40 weeks later - has us tortured about the last one in storage. It’s not at all a religious thing for us…and I try to rationalize it with: well, we got so lucky twice, we don’t want to tempt fate…but it feels so concrete and real, in a way that I don’t think eggs alone or an untested embryo, or even multiple normal embryos, would. We know the gender. We remember the day we got the news about it. Once there were three embryos - now two of them are napping in the next room, and one is…not. If I had known it would work out this way, I wouldn’t have done that last cycle. But we were honestly advised that last cycle was my only way to have a shot at even a small chance of one. So we feel stuck paying hundreds of dollars a year until…I guess until I hit menopause, and can hopefully feel at peace with letting this go.

My story was similiar in that I had two successful transfers and live births, but then felt like those two children were all we could manage given our ages and other factors. I did not want to discard the remaining embryos. I wanted them to join us "earthside" even if another couple birthed and raised them. It was not easy, emotionally. I had to fight through a lot of feelings to get to where I am now, which is in total awe of these little ones who are my genetic children and "extra loved" as our recipicent once said.

I just want to chime in here to say that open embryo adoption is also an option and can be amazing as long as you take the time to learn about it ahead of time and know how to move towards a truly open communication relationship. In addition to incredibly joyful stories, there are also sad stories of donors who wanted an open adoption, but the recipient parents were too insecure to actually allow for that to happen, at least early on. Look for an embryo donors only group on Facebook if you want more information.

[Anonymous]

No more than I would tell them about the multitude of embryos that didn’t attach to my uterus. I did talk about my atopic pregnancy just as an educational thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No more than I would tell them about the multitude of embryos that didn’t attach to my uterus. I did talk about my atopic pregnancy just as an educational thing.

Its ectopic pregnancy