how to tell 10 yo they have to change schools

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04/17/2024 13:10

Subject: how to tell 10 yo they have to change schools

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Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

Wouldn't the neuropsych evals have picked up anything else?

That’s because she doesn’t have anything else. There are discipline issues that the parents didn’t do correctly at a younger age and now child is a world class brat.

Like I said, she's grounded more often than not and has been since K. We do discipline, every single day.

May I gently suggest, as someone who has the same tendency, that if you're disciplining that much you aren't doing so effectively? The usual problem is not consistently enforcing the rules, so your kids never know when they will get away with stuff. Maybe having fewer rules that are more of a big deal to you might help. That way you always discipline for those infractions, but your kid has some freedom within those boundaries.

This. I have a child who has some outbursts at home, but never at school. I stopped saying "no" all the time. I didn't realize how much I said no or don't do that. Unless it was something dangerous, I would try and reframe how I said it. "I want ice cream!" Instead of saying no or not today, I would say something like, "such a great idea, but why don't we go this weekend since we have x activity in 15 minutes. Would you like to go to Mitsys or Thomas Sweet for ice cream on Saturday?" Gives them more autonomy and gives them the answer, but not right then. Teaches them patience and explains why you can't have that thing right now.

Have you talked to her instead of punishing her? Some doctors think punishments are not good for kids. I find that having a star chart where my child earns certain things has helped him. Some doctors don't like star charts either, but that is what has helped my kid. We started with daily start charts now have weekly and long term star charts. Makes them learn about how you have to work for really big things.

Have you attended any of Dr. Becky's workshops? I found them helpful. Some of the things worked for my kid and some things didn't. I also realized my child needed more sleep. Goes to bed 7:30-8PM every night and wakes up around 7am.

Also, let kids be kids. I was annoyed when my child wouldn't study or do their homework right away. Let them play! Does she have playdates? Ride her bike? Just be a kid? Why does she always have to practice piano? Maybe tell her she needs to practice 3 days a week for at least 30 minutes or 90 minutes per week and she gets to pick the time/ how long. That gives her autonomy but doesn't make her do it every single day if she doesn't want to. Same thing with studying and homework.

You need to stop punishing her. Talk to her. Ask her what she thinks are appropriate responses for not doing things and give her more autonomy. Would you like to do your math homework or practice piano? Would you like to do writing homework now or would you like to ride your bike for 25 minutes first and then do your writing homework? Also, if she doesn't like piano tell her she can quit, but needs to pick another activity- music or athletic. Tell her once she picks it she needs to see it through for that session/ season as it costs $ and you made a commitment to your team/ teacher.

Also, get rid of the screens! We only now allow screens on the weekend and are strict about it and our child has been SO much better. We used to have meltdowns after the screens were turned off. Now he needs to earn the screen time and it is limited to 30 minutes at a time. He turns it off on his OWN now.

Maybe this is a blessing OP. Maybe your child will thrive at public school. Look at the positive. But honestly cut all the punishments, cut the screens, and give your kid more autonomy over stuff.

PP you quoted, and I agree with so much of what you said, but staunchly disagree with the bolded. Star charts were great for my sensitive kid (don't need them now that she's a tween, but they were a godsend when she was in preschool and primary school), but teaching kids work before play is invaluable.

But the focusing on some positives, talking through things in a bright way, and getting rid of screens are all huge. That doesn't just mean removing devices - just make no or low TV a habit. We have family movie night and kids can do school assigned screen time, and that's about it. My kids went insane (youngest still does) when it was time to end the TV show or movie, so it wasn't worth it to do TV except in small doses.

Though given that OP has tried to get her kid to do homework first, and it didn't just take 3 weeks of fits and now it's done, maybe what you suggested would actually work, or PPs are right that there's something non-neurotypical going on.

I'd also suggest that for anxious kids autonomy can be the worst. Giving my sensitive child choices made her freak out even more.

Some punishments are probably still worth it - framed as logical consequences of behavior where at all possible - for really non-negotiables like hurting other people. But yes, cut screens, give rewards.

Some days my kid comes home straight after school. It isn't fair for him to do his homework after spending 7 hours sitting and doing work most of the day. That is when I used to get pushback. Let them play! Look at the success of Finland's school system. Homework isn't give out like how it is given out here either.

Some days my kid plays on the playground after school and then comes home and does work. Other days if he comes straight home, I let him play for a bit and then do his work. That works for HIM. Something else might work for another kid.

I say this as someone who always did my work first. Never had an issue at school at all. I got burned out and it didn't work for me in the long run actually.

I don't give my kid total autonomy, I give them 2 or 3 choices. After living overseas and having one or two choices for things and coming back to America to our gigantic grocery stores was an issue for me. I literally would turn around and leave.

I didn't say no consequences. Punishments when a kid is struggling and acts out won't help the child in the long run. If they are doing something dangerous and hurting someone of course they need a consequence. But a consequence without discussing it (no yelling or tones) won't make the child want to come to you and talk about it.

After I changed my approach, my son and his close friends tell me more things because they feel comfortable telling me. One kid told me his mom would yell at him and take away his toys. This kid said "poop" (not the s word) at school and got a talking to from the teacher, but was afraid to tell his parents. I never want my child to be afraid to come to me because of how I react.

To the OP check out Deeply Feeling Child with Dr. Becky or the Explosive Child.