Middle age people are dropping like flies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone else has posted here about how caring for an elderly parent will destroy your own health. Were the people in your circle who have passed caregivers of an elderly parent?

What do you mean by being a caregiver? Like in your own home or assisting them in their home? My father was hospitalized for 2 months and is now at a skilled nursing facility. I have been visiting daily (longish commute), taking care of doctors appointments, bills, insurance issues, etc. It is time-consuming and physically and emotionally draining. I’m in my 50’s. I probably have it easy because he’s not with me 24/7, but it is stressful nevertheless.

I was one of the people who posted about that. Believe it or not they were not primary caregivers. It was the stress of caregivers quitting, moving parent into residential against parent's will, many calls about parent's bad behavior and then parent lashing out at them and medical emergencies. I think all of us as parents need to think long and hard about the power we hold over our children. Even as a grown up getting therapy it is absolutely devastating to cope with a tatrumming parent throwing verbal daggars who knows all your weak spots. It's stressful for strangers who work with our parents to deal with their poor behavior too. None of the people I knew who became very ill had easy parents. I know people who struggled with depression and joined support groups due to the heartbreak of a loving parent becoming ill, but none of them suffered serious health issues the way those who faced verbal and emotional abuse from elderly parents did. In many case it's not just as simple as "it's the disease speaking." It's often the worsening of behaviors that were there and the erosion of any positive behaviors. I cannot ever do this to my children. It eats me up inside to think i could ever become a monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: The biggest issue we had (but really only if you were from an upper middle class suburban background) was the fact that our parents - especially mothers - despised us as a burden that prevented them from pursuing all those wonderful life-expanding experiences that the likes of Betty Friedan and other toxic wretches promised them.

It's hard for other generations to fully "get" but we had a whole generation of parents who regretted having us and did their best to pretend we didn't exist. I think a lot of this was jealousy of younger Boomer women who had access to all the jobs and social adventures that they were denied. Imagine being born in 1938 and in 1970 being told by all the cool kids that you were too old and "Don't trust anyone over 30." But instead of being good adults they just turned into spiteful a-holes and took it out on their burdens (children).

A lot of people my age from suburban NY experienced this, and now we need to pay the bills for these hateful old bats as they get into their 80s. Fun fun.

+1 Gen X from upstate NY, although I do love Betty Friedan's work and her Christmas fruitcake. She ID'ed a problem, didn't create it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: The biggest issue we had (but really only if you were from an upper middle class suburban background) was the fact that our parents - especially mothers - despised us as a burden that prevented them from pursuing all those wonderful life-expanding experiences that the likes of Betty Friedan and other toxic wretches promised them.

It's hard for other generations to fully "get" but we had a whole generation of parents who regretted having us and did their best to pretend we didn't exist. I think a lot of this was jealousy of younger Boomer women who had access to all the jobs and social adventures that they were denied. Imagine being born in 1938 and in 1970 being told by all the cool kids that you were too old and "Don't trust anyone over 30." But instead of being good adults they just turned into spiteful a-holes and took it out on their burdens (children).

A lot of people my age from suburban NY experienced this, and now we need to pay the bills for these hateful old bats as they get into their 80s. Fun fun.

+1 Gen X from upstate NY, although I do love Betty Friedan's work and her Christmas fruitcake. She ID'ed a problem, didn't create it.

Generational x er here who was not from upstate New York. I was raised upper middle class in an area with a lot of wealth. Our mothers were the anti-feminists and they still saw us as a burden. Our moms didn't dream of amazing jobs, they dreamed of wealth without the work of parenting. Our moms catered to difficult, but often high earning husbands and they pressured us to be perfect so our daddies would be pleased. They too took out all their stress on us and turned into spiteful a-holes because hubby could never spend enough on them.With age they have become worse now that the prestige of their wife-to person-with-fancy-job title holds no clout and they aren't going on fancy vacations and eating at the most expensive restaurants. Constant woe is me with zero gratitude.My life is a sea of stress and I am just grateful when a receptionist is kind, a doctors appointment starts on time and my kids have a good day at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: The biggest issue we had (but really only if you were from an upper middle class suburban background) was the fact that our parents - especially mothers - despised us as a burden that prevented them from pursuing all those wonderful life-expanding experiences that the likes of Betty Friedan and other toxic wretches promised them.

It's hard for other generations to fully "get" but we had a whole generation of parents who regretted having us and did their best to pretend we didn't exist. I think a lot of this was jealousy of younger Boomer women who had access to all the jobs and social adventures that they were denied. Imagine being born in 1938 and in 1970 being told by all the cool kids that you were too old and "Don't trust anyone over 30." But instead of being good adults they just turned into spiteful a-holes and took it out on their burdens (children).

A lot of people my age from suburban NY experienced this, and now we need to pay the bills for these hateful old bats as they get into their 80s. Fun fun.

+1 Gen X from upstate NY, although I do love Betty Friedan's work and her Christmas fruitcake. She ID'ed a problem, didn't create it.

Generational x er here who was not from upstate New York. I was raised upper middle class in an area with a lot of wealth. Our mothers were the anti-feminists and they still saw us as a burden. Our moms didn't dream of amazing jobs, they dreamed of wealth without the work of parenting. Our moms catered to difficult, but often high earning husbands and they pressured us to be perfect so our daddies would be pleased. They too took out all their stress on us and turned into spiteful a-holes because hubby could never spend enough on them.With age they have become worse now that the prestige of their wife-to person-with-fancy-job title holds no clout and they aren't going on fancy vacations and eating at the most expensive restaurants. Constant woe is me with zero gratitude.My life is a sea of stress and I am just grateful when a receptionist is kind, a doctors appointment starts on time and my kids have a good day at school.

You really hit the nail on the head. With my mom (77), it is constant woe is me, regrets that she didn't travel as widely as she hoped and disappointment with their financial status and of course, my dad...

[Anonymous]

np here. Two chances to have a happy family. The one you're born into. The nuclear family of your own that you create. Glad many of you will have that second chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: The biggest issue we had (but really only if you were from an upper middle class suburban background) was the fact that our parents - especially mothers - despised us as a burden that prevented them from pursuing all those wonderful life-expanding experiences that the likes of Betty Friedan and other toxic wretches promised them.

It's hard for other generations to fully "get" but we had a whole generation of parents who regretted having us and did their best to pretend we didn't exist. I think a lot of this was jealousy of younger Boomer women who had access to all the jobs and social adventures that they were denied. Imagine being born in 1938 and in 1970 being told by all the cool kids that you were too old and "Don't trust anyone over 30." But instead of being good adults they just turned into spiteful a-holes and took it out on their burdens (children).

A lot of people my age from suburban NY experienced this, and now we need to pay the bills for these hateful old bats as they get into their 80s. Fun fun.

+1 Gen X from upstate NY, although I do love Betty Friedan's work and her Christmas fruitcake. She ID'ed a problem, didn't create it.

Generational x er here who was not from upstate New York. I was raised upper middle class in an area with a lot of wealth. Our mothers were the anti-feminists and they still saw us as a burden. Our moms didn't dream of amazing jobs, they dreamed of wealth without the work of parenting. Our moms catered to difficult, but often high earning husbands and they pressured us to be perfect so our daddies would be pleased. They too took out all their stress on us and turned into spiteful a-holes because hubby could never spend enough on them.With age they have become worse now that the prestige of their wife-to person-with-fancy-job title holds no clout and they aren't going on fancy vacations and eating at the most expensive restaurants. Constant woe is me with zero gratitude.My life is a sea of stress and I am just grateful when a receptionist is kind, a doctors appointment starts on time and my kids have a good day at school.

You really hit the nail on the head. With my mom (77), it is constant woe is me, regrets that she didn't travel as widely as she hoped and disappointment with their financial status and of course, my dad...

Sounds like a disease of affluence. My own mid-70's parents were penniless immigrants who both worked in a low-prestige family business. They saved and invested well, made sure I got a great education, and assisted with babysitting when my kids were young. They now enjoy the fruits of their hard work, travelling yearly to their home country, boasting about the grandkids, and trying to stay as fit as they can for as long as possible. They went from being dealt a sh*tty hand to throwing down a royal flush. I hope to have them around for a long time.

[Anonymous]

The number one killer in the US is heart disease. Even with advances in medicine people are dying at a younger age from heart disease.

FACT: Heart disease kills more people than all cancers combined.

FACT: Women who have complications in pregnancy like preeclampsia, low birthweight baby are at greater risk for developing early onset heart disease

FACT: Women are dying at a greater rate than men from heart disease.

The numbers show that there’s a good chance that’s how you’re gonna die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: The biggest issue we had (but really only if you were from an upper middle class suburban background) was the fact that our parents - especially mothers - despised us as a burden that prevented them from pursuing all those wonderful life-expanding experiences that the likes of Betty Friedan and other toxic wretches promised them.

It's hard for other generations to fully "get" but we had a whole generation of parents who regretted having us and did their best to pretend we didn't exist. I think a lot of this was jealousy of younger Boomer women who had access to all the jobs and social adventures that they were denied. Imagine being born in 1938 and in 1970 being told by all the cool kids that you were too old and "Don't trust anyone over 30." But instead of being good adults they just turned into spiteful a-holes and took it out on their burdens (children).

A lot of people my age from suburban NY experienced this, and now we need to pay the bills for these hateful old bats as they get into their 80s. Fun fun.

+1 Gen X from upstate NY, although I do love Betty Friedan's work and her Christmas fruitcake. She ID'ed a problem, didn't create it.

I’m 48, suffering through parents’ decline (born in 1937 & 1938 respectively) and I appreciate this post that summed up my feelings so well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The number one killer in the US is heart disease. Even with advances in medicine people are dying at a younger age from heart disease.

FACT: Heart disease kills more people than all cancers combined.

FACT: Women who have complications in pregnancy like preeclampsia, low birthweight baby are at greater risk for developing early onset heart disease

FACT: Women are dying at a greater rate than men from heart disease.

The numbers show that there’s a good chance that’s how you’re gonna die.

Yes, and all these things can be triggered or exacerbated by stress. What stress are most of us facing? The sandwich. Add nutty parents and teens at their worst, sprinkle on some health svares and health issues, add the pandemic and a million other things and you are lucky to tread water and not drown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The number one killer in the US is heart disease. Even with advances in medicine people are dying at a younger age from heart disease.

FACT: Heart disease kills more people than all cancers combined.

FACT: Women who have complications in pregnancy like preeclampsia, low birthweight baby are at greater risk for developing early onset heart disease

FACT: Women are dying at a greater rate than men from heart disease.

The death rate for men from heart disease is FAR higher than the death rate for women. In 2018, men died at a rate of 207.5 per 100,000 whereas women 127.9 per 100,000.

In fact, the death rate for men from everything except Alzheimer's is higher than the death rate for women - and no doubt men aren't dying as much from Alzheimer's because they already died of something else.

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/hus/2019/fig03-508.pdf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: The biggest issue we had (but really only if you were from an upper middle class suburban background) was the fact that our parents - especially mothers - despised us as a burden that prevented them from pursuing all those wonderful life-expanding experiences that the likes of Betty Friedan and other toxic wretches promised them.

It's hard for other generations to fully "get" but we had a whole generation of parents who regretted having us and did their best to pretend we didn't exist. I think a lot of this was jealousy of younger Boomer women who had access to all the jobs and social adventures that they were denied. Imagine being born in 1938 and in 1970 being told by all the cool kids that you were too old and "Don't trust anyone over 30." But instead of being good adults they just turned into spiteful a-holes and took it out on their burdens (children).

A lot of people my age from suburban NY experienced this, and now we need to pay the bills for these hateful old bats as they get into their 80s. Fun fun.

+1 Gen X from upstate NY, although I do love Betty Friedan's work and her Christmas fruitcake. She ID'ed a problem, didn't create it.

Generational x er here who was not from upstate New York. I was raised upper middle class in an area with a lot of wealth. Our mothers were the anti-feminists and they still saw us as a burden. Our moms didn't dream of amazing jobs, they dreamed of wealth without the work of parenting. Our moms catered to difficult, but often high earning husbands and they pressured us to be perfect so our daddies would be pleased. They too took out all their stress on us and turned into spiteful a-holes because hubby could never spend enough on them.With age they have become worse now that the prestige of their wife-to person-with-fancy-job title holds no clout and they aren't going on fancy vacations and eating at the most expensive restaurants. Constant woe is me with zero gratitude.My life is a sea of stress and I am just grateful when a receptionist is kind, a doctors appointment starts on time and my kids have a good day at school.

You really hit the nail on the head. With my mom (77), it is constant woe is me, regrets that she didn't travel as widely as she hoped and disappointment with their financial status and of course, my dad...

Sounds like a disease of affluence. My own mid-70's parents were penniless immigrants who both worked in a low-prestige family business. They saved and invested well, made sure I got a great education, and assisted with babysitting when my kids were young. They now enjoy the fruits of their hard work, travelling yearly to their home country, boasting about the grandkids, and trying to stay as fit as they can for as long as possible. They went from being dealt a sh*tty hand to throwing down a royal flush. I hope to have them around for a long time.

Thank you for boring us for another rags to riches immigrant story...yea, yea....they came over with $17 in the pocket. It gets old....

[Anonymous]

We are asked to do the impossible-at least some of us. We delayed having kids so we could afford them and be at a stable point in our career. Many of our parents had empty nests when they had to be involved with their parents, many of us don't. Life is being prolonged without quality of life. We were there for one of my inlaws declining into hell from cancer and getting saved left and right with QOL. Another parent declined with Alzheimers and even with zero independence was kept alive to suffer barely able to breath on his own. And then some of our kids fell apart emotionally and physically during the pandemic while our cognitively capable parents were falling apart and becoming needy. I am being drained dry from every angle. No amount of exercise, healthy eating, baths, therapy and reading on the patio on a Saturday seems to replenish me from countless trips to the ER, visits to the hospital, hostile parent tirades, teenage meltdows, work stress, etc. You cannot force an adult sibling to stop being a jerk. I could rant on and on, but it's useless and someone on here will offer hallow solutions.

There are some very selfish people aging right now who feel entitled to burden their adult children right and left rather than making sound choices for their future. It is disgusting to expect your children to clean up your hoarding messes and drop everything for you when you break a hip because you are too busy taking trips, whining with your friends at the beach in the Florida and complaining that you need to see your grandkids even more. We are pulled in every direction of some of these elders are living the high life not thinking about finding a sustainable living situation and they just expect things to magically fall into place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are asked to do the impossible-at least some of us. We delayed having kids so we could afford them and be at a stable point in our career. Many of our parents had empty nests when they had to be involved with their parents, many of us don't. Life is being prolonged without quality of life. We were there for one of my inlaws declining into hell from cancer and getting saved left and right with QOL. Another parent declined with Alzheimers and even with zero independence was kept alive to suffer barely able to breath on his own. And then some of our kids fell apart emotionally and physically during the pandemic while our cognitively capable parents were falling apart and becoming needy. I am being drained dry from every angle. No amount of exercise, healthy eating, baths, therapy and reading on the patio on a Saturday seems to replenish me from countless trips to the ER, visits to the hospital, hostile parent tirades, teenage meltdows, work stress, etc. You cannot force an adult sibling to stop being a jerk. I could rant on and on, but it's useless and someone on here will offer hallow solutions.

There are some very selfish people aging right now who feel entitled to burden their adult children right and left rather than making sound choices for their future. It is disgusting to expect your children to clean up your hoarding messes and drop everything for you when you break a hip because you are too busy taking trips, whining with your friends at the beach in the Florida and complaining that you need to see your grandkids even more. We are pulled in every direction of some of these elders are living the high life not thinking about finding a sustainable living situation and they just expect things to magically fall into place.

You don't have to do anything. Let them feel as entitled as they want--it's your choice whether to cater to that or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: The biggest issue we had (but really only if you were from an upper middle class suburban background) was the fact that our parents - especially mothers - despised us as a burden that prevented them from pursuing all those wonderful life-expanding experiences that the likes of Betty Friedan and other toxic wretches promised them.

It's hard for other generations to fully "get" but we had a whole generation of parents who regretted having us and did their best to pretend we didn't exist. I think a lot of this was jealousy of younger Boomer women who had access to all the jobs and social adventures that they were denied. Imagine being born in 1938 and in 1970 being told by all the cool kids that you were too old and "Don't trust anyone over 30." But instead of being good adults they just turned into spiteful a-holes and took it out on their burdens (children).

A lot of people my age from suburban NY experienced this, and now we need to pay the bills for these hateful old bats as they get into their 80s. Fun fun.

+1 Gen X from upstate NY, although I do love Betty Friedan's work and her Christmas fruitcake. She ID'ed a problem, didn't create it.

Generational x er here who was not from upstate New York. I was raised upper middle class in an area with a lot of wealth. Our mothers were the anti-feminists and they still saw us as a burden. Our moms didn't dream of amazing jobs, they dreamed of wealth without the work of parenting. Our moms catered to difficult, but often high earning husbands and they pressured us to be perfect so our daddies would be pleased. They too took out all their stress on us and turned into spiteful a-holes because hubby could never spend enough on them.With age they have become worse now that the prestige of their wife-to person-with-fancy-job title holds no clout and they aren't going on fancy vacations and eating at the most expensive restaurants. Constant woe is me with zero gratitude.My life is a sea of stress and I am just grateful when a receptionist is kind, a doctors appointment starts on time and my kids have a good day at school.

You really hit the nail on the head. With my mom (77), it is constant woe is me, regrets that she didn't travel as widely as she hoped and disappointment with their financial status and of course, my dad...

Sounds like a disease of affluence. My own mid-70's parents were penniless immigrants who both worked in a low-prestige family business. They saved and invested well, made sure I got a great education, and assisted with babysitting when my kids were young. They now enjoy the fruits of their hard work, travelling yearly to their home country, boasting about the grandkids, and trying to stay as fit as they can for as long as possible. They went from being dealt a sh*tty hand to throwing down a royal flush. I hope to have them around for a long time.

Thank you for boring us for another rags to riches immigrant story...yea, yea....they came over with $17 in the pocket. It gets old....

Hearing about entitled people who had the world handed to them on a platter, and are now angry that they mismanaged it and never appreciated it gets old too.

[Anonymous]

I am being drained dry from every angle. No amount of exercise, healthy eating, baths, therapy and reading on the patio on a Saturday seems to replenish me from countless trips to the ER, visits to the hospital, hostile parent tirades, teenage meltdows, work stress, etc. You cannot force an adult sibling to stop being a jerk. I could rant on and on, but it's useless and someone on here will offer hallow solutions.

There are some very selfish people aging right now who feel entitled to burden their adult children right and left rather than making sound choices for their future. It is disgusting to expect your children to clean up your hoarding messes and drop everything for you when you break a hip because you are too busy taking trips, whining with your friends at the beach in the Florida and complaining that you need to see your grandkids even more. We are pulled in every direction of some of these elders are living the high life not thinking about finding a sustainable living situation and they just expect things to magically fall into place.

ALL OF THIS. I'm absolutely drowning.