the case for not divorcing

[Anonymous]

So many people on here are all "think of what you're role modeling for the children if you're not affectionate / don't love each other / are playing pleasant for the children!!!"

Yes ideally all children would have parents that are married, communicate well, love each other, model great boundaries etc etc etc. But the reality is that's a small % of marriages with young children

Do you divorce if you're not that b/c you're not role modelling an ideal marriage for the kids?

Well I just texted a mom about a playdate with her daughter this weekend. She said it's the dad's weekend. The dad said he's out of town but to text the step mom. The step mom said it sounded fun but she didn't feel like the drive and it might mess up her toddlers nap time so no thanks.

Is this devastating to their kid? No. I'm sure you could argue that its great for the girl to learn to compromise. But she has new babies in both families and those families are both oriented around their full time kids instead of adapting the baby into the existing (part time) kids needs. Lets not minimize the impact of new spouses and new kids and lots of competing priorities and hierarchies of importance on a kids life. That truly can be more damaging to kids than parents stay together as platonic roommates instead of romantic partners. When second marriages have an even higher divorce rate we think thats providing a better model?

And I say this as a person who wished her parents would divorce each other when I was in high school bc they so clearly hated each other and the tension was so high

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think one of the biggest problems is that the kid from the original marriage plays second fiddle to new kids from the new marriage(s). Usually new kids from an intact marriage go along with whatever earlier kids are up to, but not in new marriages.

[Anonymous]

Oh I agree with you 100%. Kids generally do better in 2 parent households as long as there is no abuse or other MAJOR issues. Simply getting along/not having major issues but not being in A romantic relationship is far less damaging than divorced parents when the kids are young/living at home.

[Anonymous]

People are way too quick to get divorced in this country. Learn to forgive and work things out.

[Anonymous]

<yawn> 🥱

[Anonymous]

I'm still waiting to hear "the case for not divorcing". Did I miss it? All I read were some anecdotes and opinions.

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t you drive her OP?

Personally I think remarrying and having babies when you have young kids is pretty tacky so I’m with you there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I agree with you 100%. Kids generally do better in 2 parent households as long as there is no abuse or other MAJOR issues. Simply getting along/not having major issues but not being in A romantic relationship is far less damaging than divorced parents when the kids are young/living at home.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm still waiting to hear "the case for not divorcing". Did I miss it? All I read were some anecdotes and opinions.

If you get a divorce, your kid won't be able to go on every possible playdate with OP's kid. That's OP's case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still waiting to hear "the case for not divorcing". Did I miss it? All I read were some anecdotes and opinions.

If you get a divorce, your kid won't be able to go on every possible playdate with OP's kid. That's OP's case.

But that's only if you remarry and have more kids with your new spouse.

[Anonymous]

Many people stay married too long "for the kids". As a child who's parents were divorced, it was a huge relief for me when it happened and I wish it had happened sooner.

[Anonymous]

Completely agree OP! I’m fighting against my own divorce right now. It’s terrible for kids.

[Anonymous]

Our marriage hit its lowest point when one kid was a toddler and the second was on the way. Part of the problem was that we were already acting like divorced parents - taking turns watching the kid so we could each do what we wanted individually, but not spending any quality time as a couple. 15 years later I'm glad we worked things out.

People often say "don't stay together just for the kids' sake" and I agree with that but would add "don't let the fact that you're parents define your entire relationship."

[Anonymous]

Conflict = divorce
no conflict tough it out if you can

Affectionate parents are not important. Respectful is.

Yes, blended families are a mess.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need to paint an unrealistic fairy tale version of marriage either. It’s not realistic.

Kids can learn by seeing their parents disagree, compromise, make mistakes and apologize for them. Long marriages aren’t going to be constantly grabbing @ss and making out. Fwiw, kids get weirded out seeing their parents overly demonstrative in that arena.

A family that’s solid. Kids are supported. And even if the parents are more businesslike us going to be much healthier for them than divorce.