Better for kids to stay in roommate marriage with DH?
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Anonymous
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I am wondering if there is any research on the question of what is better for kids:
(1) seeing parents in a low conflict, but low interaction and zero affection marriage (basically living separate lives under one roof, but with zero fighting); or (2) a low conflict divorce. I am currently living in situation (1) purely for the benefit of my kids. I am in individual therapy and my therapist didn’t seem convinced that this IS necessarily better for them than a low conflict divorce. I am not aware of any research or expert opinions on this specific question and wondering if anyone else is? As a child of divorce, I still think it would have been better for the family if my parents had stuck it out in (1), for the simple reason that I didn’t like living between two separate residences. This is a big part of why I stay. |
Anonymous
| From what I understand, yes 1 is superior for the kids (you didn't ask for you). For your own happiness should you continue on that path, any chance you can at least make it a friendly roommate marriage rather than a zero interaction one? Where you at least enjoy hanging out? |
Anonymous
Op here. I mean, kinda. We don’t talk very much but we don’t fight. I think we come across as friends or at least coworkers who get along. Unfortunately this seems to be the best we can do at this point. |
Anonymous
| Do you take family trips, visit relatives together? |
Anonymous
Op here. Once in awhile, yes. But more frequently I just take the kids while DH stays home. |
Anonymous
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Ignore the rude PP.
I'm not sure what's better for you - but financially and for kid logistics, I think it's better if you stay together. Was there or is there infidelity? Could you both find some form of love again? |
Anonymous
If this is the road you take I think you have to keep trying to find a happy point in your relationship. My college roommate's parents "stayed together for the kids" (her mom literally described the marriage as "a friend marriage, not a passion marriage"). They split up very, very dramatically when my roommate was in college and they felt the kids were old enough. It was a huge shock to the kids because the mom kept leaning on them as her therapists. Sometimes "at this point" doesn't last forever and couples come out of valleys like this stronger on the other side. |
Anonymous
Definitely 2, without question. Because think about what you're modeling about relationships in scenario 1. |
Anonymous
| If I were the kid, #1 for sure so I don't have to move back and forth every week plus deal with mom and dad's new relationship drama. |
Anonymous
| Do you want your kids in a marriage like this? Because that is a likely outcome. |
Anonymous
Totally. Definitely model that you should throw in the towel because the spark is gone. That’s soooooo much better 
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Anonymous
| The question for me is if your partner will be willing to endure endlessly in #1. Because if he wakes up one day and decides to blow up the marriage, it could happen at a terrible time and may make you wish you had acted on your own timeline. This happened to a friend of mine. |
Anonymous
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Op here. Thanks for all the replies. I’m specifically wondering if there are any studies or experts that speak to this-does anyone know?
Not super interested in everyone’s opinion on what I should do 
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Anonymous
| How old are your kids? The pure logistics of two households/driving/sports/activities may make one worth it if you can tolerate it during the busy years. Divorced parents make it work but it adds another layer of stress and additional coordination. |
Anonymous
The parents don’t fight and they get along. I’m sure the kids think this is totally normal. |