Do you block your teens screens?

[Anonymous]

It has gotten to the point where my 16 year old (ASD/ADHD) does not much else but stare at her phone.

She goes to school, and does the occasional organized activity that I organize for her. But otherwise gets very little physical activity, has no friends outside of school, and does nothing else. Her school doesn’t have homework, so that’s not an issue. Her phone is blocked for nightly shower and basic hygiene, and at 10pm on school nights, but otherwise she has free rein.

I know it shouldn’t have gotten to this point, but I’m honestly afraid of the repercussions of trying to limit it now. Just the mention of a potential limit results in horrible meltdowns.

Do you limit your teenagers Screentime, and if so, what are your limits?

Anyone instituted this after allowing unlimited time? Did it change things? My concern is more her disengagement with life than the actual phone use.

She has a lot of interests and I’m wondering if she’d be more apt to engage in them if there wasn’t the easy default option of screens.

[Anonymous]

We did. We set total limits per day (3 hours) and blocked out certain times to make sure homework got done and then before bedtime. We did it via an app. Yes - there were tremendous meltdowns. I would expect them. The most important thing is not to give in to them and ignore as best as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did. We set total limits per day (3 hours) and blocked out certain times to make sure homework got done and then before bedtime. We did it via an app. Yes - there were tremendous meltdowns. I would expect them. The most important thing is not to give in to them and ignore as best as possible.

At what age? Were there no limits before that? Is the limit only phone or no screens at all, and how long did it take before your kid adjusted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did. We set total limits per day (3 hours) and blocked out certain times to make sure homework got done and then before bedtime. We did it via an app. Yes - there were tremendous meltdowns. I would expect them. The most important thing is not to give in to them and ignore as best as possible.

At what age? Were there no limits before that? Is the limit only phone or no screens at all, and how long did it take before your kid adjusted?

We did it at 15. There were no hard limits before that and it had become a tremendous anxiety avoidance habit. The phone was the biggest problem, but when we limited the phone, DD turned to TV watching so we extended it to that (kept the remotes locked up). It took awhile to adjust, mostly because the habit was driven by anxiety and facing the anxiety then became the difficult task. It was *very* intense for a few weeks and we had other sporadic blowups for a few months - coinciding when anxiety was elevated. DD had a therapist who was working on that and we had a therapist helping us with our part in things. Basically, allowing the unlimited access was accommodating the anxiety, along with other things we were doing, so we worked on removing all of the ways we were accommodating anxiety. Having therapist support for us during this time was really helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did. We set total limits per day (3 hours) and blocked out certain times to make sure homework got done and then before bedtime. We did it via an app. Yes - there were tremendous meltdowns. I would expect them. The most important thing is not to give in to them and ignore as best as possible.

At what age? Were there no limits before that? Is the limit only phone or no screens at all, and how long did it take before your kid adjusted?

We did it at 15. There were no hard limits before that and it had become a tremendous anxiety avoidance habit. The phone was the biggest problem, but when we limited the phone, DD turned to TV watching so we extended it to that (kept the remotes locked up). It took awhile to adjust, mostly because the habit was driven by anxiety and facing the anxiety then became the difficult task. It was *very* intense for a few weeks and we had other sporadic blowups for a few months - coinciding when anxiety was elevated. DD had a therapist who was working on that and we had a therapist helping us with our part in things. Basically, allowing the unlimited access was accommodating the anxiety, along with other things we were doing, so we worked on removing all of the ways we were accommodating anxiety. Having therapist support for us during this time was really helpful.

Thanks. This sounds very similar to our situation. We have limited before and not stuck to it, so that makes it even harder. Is your child Autistic?

Frankly I’m worried about personally handling the meltdowns. I have a full time demanding job, as does my spouse who is not home much (I work from home) and we have another child. I know that avoiding meltdowns is not a good reason to not do what we need to do for our kid, but I’m talking screaming, throwing things, swearing, punching herself in the head, threatening self harm, etc. The last time we did this it was major crisis for at least a month.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with same level of meltdowns except harm to others as well. Lots of empathy for OP and others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did. We set total limits per day (3 hours) and blocked out certain times to make sure homework got done and then before bedtime. We did it via an app. Yes - there were tremendous meltdowns. I would expect them. The most important thing is not to give in to them and ignore as best as possible.

At what age? Were there no limits before that? Is the limit only phone or no screens at all, and how long did it take before your kid adjusted?

We did it at 15. There were no hard limits before that and it had become a tremendous anxiety avoidance habit. The phone was the biggest problem, but when we limited the phone, DD turned to TV watching so we extended it to that (kept the remotes locked up). It took awhile to adjust, mostly because the habit was driven by anxiety and facing the anxiety then became the difficult task. It was *very* intense for a few weeks and we had other sporadic blowups for a few months - coinciding when anxiety was elevated. DD had a therapist who was working on that and we had a therapist helping us with our part in things. Basically, allowing the unlimited access was accommodating the anxiety, along with other things we were doing, so we worked on removing all of the ways we were accommodating anxiety. Having therapist support for us during this time was really helpful.

Thanks. This sounds very similar to our situation. We have limited before and not stuck to it, so that makes it even harder. Is your child Autistic?

Frankly I’m worried about personally handling the meltdowns. I have a full time demanding job, as does my spouse who is not home much (I work from home) and we have another child. I know that avoiding meltdowns is not a good reason to not do what we need to do for our kid, but I’m talking screaming, throwing things, swearing, punching herself in the head, threatening self harm, etc. The last time we did this it was major crisis for at least a month.

Yes - this is the level of meltdown we experienced which is why having a therapist working with us was so crucial. We had safety plans for everyone. We were at a point where we knew it was not going to get better any other way so we prepared the other kids - they met with our therapist - we advised work that we might have unexpected schedule disruptions for a few weeks, and we did. It honestly was a brutal process but everyone came out the other side and it improved the situation tremendously. DD does not have an ASD diagnosis but is very rigid and has ADHD and nonverbal learning disability. And intense anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did. We set total limits per day (3 hours) and blocked out certain times to make sure homework got done and then before bedtime. We did it via an app. Yes - there were tremendous meltdowns. I would expect them. The most important thing is not to give in to them and ignore as best as possible.

At what age? Were there no limits before that? Is the limit only phone or no screens at all, and how long did it take before your kid adjusted?

We did it at 15. There were no hard limits before that and it had become a tremendous anxiety avoidance habit. The phone was the biggest problem, but when we limited the phone, DD turned to TV watching so we extended it to that (kept the remotes locked up). It took awhile to adjust, mostly because the habit was driven by anxiety and facing the anxiety then became the difficult task. It was *very* intense for a few weeks and we had other sporadic blowups for a few months - coinciding when anxiety was elevated. DD had a therapist who was working on that and we had a therapist helping us with our part in things. Basically, allowing the unlimited access was accommodating the anxiety, along with other things we were doing, so we worked on removing all of the ways we were accommodating anxiety. Having therapist support for us during this time was really helpful.

Thanks. This sounds very similar to our situation. We have limited before and not stuck to it, so that makes it even harder. Is your child Autistic?

Frankly I’m worried about personally handling the meltdowns. I have a full time demanding job, as does my spouse who is not home much (I work from home) and we have another child. I know that avoiding meltdowns is not a good reason to not do what we need to do for our kid, but I’m talking screaming, throwing things, swearing, punching herself in the head, threatening self harm, etc. The last time we did this it was major crisis for at least a month.

Does she have a therapist who can help her manage emotional equilibrium? Obviously the screen usage doesn’t help, but this level of meltdown is likely due to those larger underlying issues that the screen use is simply allowing her to numb or avoid—which then sets her up for this vicious circle. For kids like this, navigating a world that isn’t geared toward them creates a ton of anxiety and overwhelm, and being able to check out with a screen is a convenient way of dealing with it.

You can think of screen overuse as something like being addicted to painkillers. For a neurotypical kid, the pain level was lower to begin with, so they can readjust more easily; but for a kid with ADHD and ASD, the unmasked pain level is a lot higher, so when all those internal and external stressors come rushing back in at once, it’s really difficult to manage.

If you can get a good therapist on board, they can help her find the tools to manage the withdrawal from the screen addiction. Ask them about creating a plan for pulling back slowly, and filling the void with positive, manageable replacement activities. But if she isn’t seeing a therapist already, it may take some time to build trust with someone new, and get her on board with the goal of less screen time.

Also, you may want to consider the role of medication, either adding it or adjusting her current meds to help her better manage the ADHD. That might make the world away from her phone feel a little less overwhelming, and help her more easily engage with the replacement activities. I know my DD didn’t really get much out of therapy until we got her medication and dosage right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did. We set total limits per day (3 hours) and blocked out certain times to make sure homework got done and then before bedtime. We did it via an app. Yes - there were tremendous meltdowns. I would expect them. The most important thing is not to give in to them and ignore as best as possible.

At what age? Were there no limits before that? Is the limit only phone or no screens at all, and how long did it take before your kid adjusted?

We did it at 15. There were no hard limits before that and it had become a tremendous anxiety avoidance habit. The phone was the biggest problem, but when we limited the phone, DD turned to TV watching so we extended it to that (kept the remotes locked up). It took awhile to adjust, mostly because the habit was driven by anxiety and facing the anxiety then became the difficult task. It was *very* intense for a few weeks and we had other sporadic blowups for a few months - coinciding when anxiety was elevated. DD had a therapist who was working on that and we had a therapist helping us with our part in things. Basically, allowing the unlimited access was accommodating the anxiety, along with other things we were doing, so we worked on removing all of the ways we were accommodating anxiety. Having therapist support for us during this time was really helpful.

Thanks. This sounds very similar to our situation. We have limited before and not stuck to it, so that makes it even harder. Is your child Autistic?

Frankly I’m worried about personally handling the meltdowns. I have a full time demanding job, as does my spouse who is not home much (I work from home) and we have another child. I know that avoiding meltdowns is not a good reason to not do what we need to do for our kid, but I’m talking screaming, throwing things, swearing, punching herself in the head, threatening self harm, etc. The last time we did this it was major crisis for at least a month.

Does she have a therapist who can help her manage emotional equilibrium? Obviously the screen usage doesn’t help, but this level of meltdown is likely due to those larger underlying issues that the screen use is simply allowing her to numb or avoid—which then sets her up for this vicious circle. For kids like this, navigating a world that isn’t geared toward them creates a ton of anxiety and overwhelm, and being able to check out with a screen is a convenient way of dealing with it.

You can think of screen overuse as something like being addicted to painkillers. For a neurotypical kid, the pain level was lower to begin with, so they can readjust more easily; but for a kid with ADHD and ASD, the unmasked pain level is a lot higher, so when all those internal and external stressors come rushing back in at once, it’s really difficult to manage.

If you can get a good therapist on board, they can help her find the tools to manage the withdrawal from the screen addiction. Ask them about creating a plan for pulling back slowly, and filling the void with positive, manageable replacement activities. But if she isn’t seeing a therapist already, it may take some time to build trust with someone new, and get her on board with the goal of less screen time.

Also, you may want to consider the role of medication, either adding it or adjusting her current meds to help her better manage the ADHD. That might make the world away from her phone feel a little less overwhelming, and help her more easily engage with the replacement activities. I know my DD didn’t really get much out of therapy until we got her medication and dosage right.

OP here. This is all very helpful, thank you. She does have a very good therapist she works with and sees weekly. I also have a parent coach I work with weekly. She is also on medication which seems fairly effective and although she used to, she has ZERO meltdowns in other scenarios. Last year we had a terrible crisis and she was having almost daily meltdowns, so I'm really, really reluctant to do anything to cause that again. I like the idea of pulling back slowly and that was my instinct as well. Perhaps creating a one-hour break per day to start. I have some experience with addiction myself, and I'm just reluctant to pull away her coping mechanism with a not-completely available parent and only weekly therapy to support her. She doesn't have the skills to find something else to do for multiple hours per day. When I gave up an addition as a young adult, I had a complete program of daily activities and a huge support network to help me, and even then it was hell for about a year. And I WANTED to stop!