How to get over awkwardness?

[Anonymous]

I'm an awkward, shy person. I have a few close friends I have known for a very very long time but it is hard for me to meet new people.
Well, here I am, just moved to DC, finding it incredibly hard to reach out to other people. I have had a very demanding career as a research scientist but with the move, am now a SAHM to a 1.5 yr old. At my old job, I only worked with two other people (one of whom I have known for years and spend much time to myself in a lab).
As a SAHM, I now realize that I have to be social for my sanity. I have signed onto meetup.com, every listserve, responded to playdates section on here, etc. So here is the meat of the problem- I go to these things and find it so hard not to be awkward. Someone will say something and either a. I can't think of something witty to say back so am quiet or b. I say the wrong thing. There is just so many stilted silences, weird conversation breaks, etc. I think no one really "clicks" with me because of that awkwardness. And more recently, I have met a few moms who dont ask questions so I am forced to ask them things and then I feel like I am interrogating them. Is there a smoother way to bond with someone. Even after a couple times seeing them, none of the moms have emailed me or called me for further meet ups. I have emailed a couple but keep getting the "we're busy this week" email. And I cannot really blame them as who wants to be stuck in awkward hell for 2 hours just to get out of the house?
I do feel quite lonely here in DC. I do not miss working as I am happy to be home with my child but I miss the comfort of not having to try so hard to make a friend or two. Does anyone have any suggestions for this awkward, shy, lonely but really nice and funny once you get to know me mama?

[Anonymous]

After reading your post I realized, no one wants to email me either for follow up playdates etc... It sounds like you make the effort also to email and see if they want to get together too. Well, what about a church group perhaps they would be less judgy and open? I wish I knew the answer because I find this area is harder to meet people, as I am sure everywhere is too, but still...Don't be so hard on yourself and try not to get so worked up at these functions. Just try to relax and then others will relax in your presence. It is better to be the quiet one versus the one who says inappropriate/offensive things so don't worry about that. But the bottom line is to just relax. When I was single and looking for a boyfriend my friends always said "don't try so hard" "you will find someone when you are not looking". And that is probably the case for friendships too. I have few friends but find that there can be social enjoyment in just leaving my house. For example no matter where I go I can somehow have little conversations with anyone...so that could be for you your first goal and that will help you take the pressure off your social awkwardness. Just make that your first goal, at the grocery store smile and make small talk with the grocery clerk etc...eventually that will become easier for you to talk to other people. Don't worry about seeming like an interrogater, people love talking about themselves. It also doesn't hurt to compliment people too, which will break the ice.

[Anonymous]

I'm the same way, feel very awkward with new people.

Sometimes it helps to acknowledge the awkwardness and laugh self-deprecatingly about it.

Have you tried signing up your child for a class, like maybe a music class or gym time? Then you'll see the same parents every week for 6 or 8 weeks in a row or whatever -- giving you time to slowly warm up and have a couple shots at breaking the ice. Then maybe you if you find another mom you click with, you can ask her to get coffee or lunch after the class.

Making friends can often be hard and time consuming. Don't beat yourself up just because it doesn't come easily or naturally to you. There are a lot of us who feel the same way you do!

[Anonymous]

Our world has become far too electronic, e-mails, blogs, television, etc, etc. We seem to live on predigested news and information. This being the case it is very difficult during face-to-face conversations to come up with new and witty thing to say that other people have not already seen, heard, or done.

Not that I do either of these two thing often enough myself, but I think it is important to read the newspaper everyday or to write cards, letters and post cards to friends. That way you can internalize your own thoughts and ideas. When you speak to others you'll have original thoughts, ideas, jokes, and responses.

Good luck and let us know what solutions eventually work for you.

[Anonymous]

Hello OP, I too was doing research in a lab before staying at home! Over the years, I have slowly become less painfully shy and awkward, but it has taken willpower and strategy.

For now:
1. at the playground, gym, etc, always be the first to smile and say hello to the parents/caregivers who are in a 6 feet radius. No need for further conversation unless you feel up to it or somebody talks to you.
2. As a PP said, invest in a class to allow yourself to warm up slowly. Appearance matters: smile, don't slouch, appear to enjoy yourself, engage with all the little kids around you.

Afterwards:
1. the key to being a good conversationalist is to LISTEN, ie: draw the other one out! And to make this feel less like a chore/interrogation, you have to dredge up from within yourself a sincere interest in the people you meet - what they do, where they are from, what their kids are like, what schools they are thinking about, any opinions on newsworthy or unworthy subject... the person will feel immediately if you are forcing yourself or really interested.
2. the crucial ingredient to lasting friendship is common interest. You will have many "interesting conversations" with other moms only to find that only one or two are close enough in kids ages and parenting mentality for you to see each other on a regular basis.

Persevere! I spent the first year as a SAHM searching for a mom friend, and finally found her at the swimming pool. There is a 14 year difference in age, but hardly none in parenting practices, and that is what matters.

[Anonymous]

It's not you. It's DC. Believe me, if you were in the Midwest or the Deep South no one would ever allow you to feel awkward. Social graces and tact are lost on so many people in the name of being right and more intelligent/influential/connected in this snarky-@ss town.

It is so bizarre!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not you. It's DC. Believe me, if you were in the Midwest or the Deep South no one would ever allow you to feel awkward. Social graces and tact are lost on so many people in the name of being right and more intelligent/influential/connected in this snarky-@ss town.

It is so bizarre!

This PP is right. I'm from the South and I know my neighbors and welcome new people into the neighborhood. People are rude and they think only of themselves. Believe me, it isn't you. Is there an older woman in your neighborhood? If so, knock on her door and introduce yourself and invite her over for coffee. It breaks the ice. Try this or something similar and see how it goes. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not you. It's DC. Believe me, if you were in the Midwest or the Deep South no one would ever allow you to feel awkward. Social graces and tact are lost on so many people in the name of being right and more intelligent/influential/connected in this snarky-@ss town.
It is so bizarre!

I think there is much truth to this sadly.

I understand what you mean about awkwardness as I also used to be very shy and awkward but you'd never imagine that if you met me now. I developed my social interacations and now find them much easier and enjoyable and I dont feel awkward at all.

- Read the papers or newspaper/cable news on the internet, learn about things and places that seem interesting that have no bearing on your life. Its then easier to start and sustain conversation.
- If you start a conversation and the other person develops a glazed look it doesnt mean that s/he's not interested in talking to you, its the topic. So when that happens, just segway into another subject.
- Ask people questions that require more than a monosyllabic answer to help move a conversation along. For example: do you like traveling? yes/no, versus how do you feel about traveling? Must be answered with more words than one.
- Listen well when others are speaking and from what they say you can find something that interests you and either ask a follow-up question about it or simply say that (specify what) sounds very interesting, most people will see if you mean it.
- Smile and generally try to look approachable; avoid crossing arms on your chest when meeting/talking to someone for the first time. If you look bored, tired or disengaged that can deter people.
- Look people in the eye when you are talking to them and when they are talking but don't stare.
- Don't worry about saying something witty every time, you're not a comedian so wittiness is not an absolute requirement. Instead say something interesting or express interest in what someone else said.
- Try to RELAX. Enjoy social gatherings/meetings in the moment and don't be disappointed if they don't lead to friendship.
- Be open to making friends who may not be exactly like you. One of my closest friends has children but not in the age range of mine, there's a 12 year age difference between us. We get along extremely well and have lots of fun together without the kids, we are supportive of each other and we can always talk about anything. Adult compatibility is more important for friendship than having children of the same age.

[Anonymous]

The other PP's have said some good stuff. Wanted to point out that it doesn't come naturally to everyone else, either. Some of us are just better at pretending to not feel awkward. And if the other moms are not asking you questions, they're not especially socially adept either. Socially adept people are capable of drawing out even shy people by asking the right questions and transitioning from one subject to the next smoothly. It doesn't sound like these women are capable of that. It does get easier with practice, though. I was a really shy kid - actually went to therapy for it - but you'd never know it now. People never believe me when I tell them that I was a shy kid; i'm very social now. I still get nervous about meeting new people, and I still get intimidated (usually by women who look very put-together, if that makes sense) but I just pretend I'm not nervous and it seems to work. It also helps to pick your battles; self-select people who might have more in common with you, in places where you're comfortable, at times when you're relaxed. It can be hard; there probably aren't a ton of scientific types who have chosen to stay at home. Still a relatively unusual career choice for a woman. (that said, I bet teachers would feel comfortable with your field.) But good luck. Keep trying.

[Anonymous]

Whenever I feel afraid I hold my head erect and whistle a happy tune, and no one evers knows I'm' afraid." Song from "The King and I"

This works. Remember, that you are somebody who has something significant to give. .

[Anonymous]

Check out this book:

How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie

http://productsearch.barnesandnoble.com/search/results.aspx?WRD=how+to+win+friends+and+influence+people

[Anonymous]

I'm the same way and also a scientist (scientists aren't exactly known for their social charisma for a reason I suppose). I'm a WOHM but that hasn't made a difference in my ability to make friends! I work with lots of old men and haven't clicked with any of the women at my office. I have some great friends from back home. We are like sisters and I talk to them almost everyday. I've known them since I was 4. But they don't live here. I would love to make some better friends in the area. Luckily my husband has friends or I think I would be a shut-in. Its also even harder to try and start a friendship after kids because it takes effort and we already have so little time and its hard to meet up and be put together both mentally and physically when life seems like such a rush.

Where do you live?

[Anonymous]

I drink. Maybe not helpful for you, but it works for me.

[Anonymous]

I am horribly awkward. I work full-time and I am fine at work and with people in my field. I am even thought of as funny. In social situations with people I don't know, I am a misery. With a child your age, sign up for a fun music class or gym class. Even if your kid is clueless, those classes are more for the parents anyway. We met some very nice people in a couple of different classes. I also joined a meetup group specifically for working moms and I actually go to the moms only activities more than the stuff with the kids. Dinner out with a cocktail or a glass of wine and you're all girlfriends after about 10 minutes.

[Anonymous]

I found that you really have to keep going back for months to some playgroups and meetups and become a "regular" before the other moms start emailing you,etc if you are not right off the bat one of those "popular types". Geez, I sound like I am in high school

Just pick a group you like and keep going. You might not click and find a best friend right off but you might find that after a while you become more comfortable and at least will have a comfortable social outlet.