moving mom to AL--she is in denial

[Anonymous]

My mom needs to go to assisted living. She has dementia and is a fall risk. However, she is in denial about everything. Won't accept she has dementia, doesn't see herself as a risk. She is just nasty and I don't want her around my kids anymore. How do we get her to actually move to the assisted living facility? She is with us now b/c she can't live alone.

[Anonymous]

Not accepting that she has dementia is part of having dementia. It's normal.

[Anonymous]

Tell her it’s a temporary stay at first. You are going out of town or something like that. Then, she never leaves.

[Anonymous]

The great thing about forgetting ~ she will forget. Within a short time, my parents thought and boasted that the move was their idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not accepting that she has dementia is part of having dementia. It's normal.

This, with dementia, she doesn't understand or remember.

[Anonymous]

Definitely tell her it is temporary. Make up a reason if you need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not accepting that she has dementia is part of having dementia. It's normal.

This, with dementia, she doesn't understand or remember.

It's called anosognosia - ancient Greek for "without knowledge of disease." People with dementia (and people with mental illness) are often cognitively unaware of their condition due to physiological damage to the brain. It's a lack of self-awareness. Their brain simply cannot process the fact that they have dementia.

My mom is 82 and in the moderate stages of Alzheimer's. She lived with us two and a half months, until it became unsustainable and we moved her into assisted living. Two months later, she had a pretty serious wandering incident so she was moved to the secure memory care wing of the facility. To this day she says there is nothing wrong with her and complains about having to live with "all these old sick people."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom needs to go to assisted living. She has dementia and is a fall risk. However, she is in denial about everything. Won't accept she has dementia, doesn't see herself as a risk. She is just nasty and I don't want her around my kids anymore. How do we get her to actually move to the assisted living facility? She is with us now b/c she can't live alone.

100% protect your kids, OP. Do what you have to do.

[Anonymous]

Do you have medical/durable power of attorney? Does she have money to pay for care? If so, just do it.

Another route is ER and then don’t let them release her home. Work with the social worker to find a place.

[Anonymous]

I’ve reframed my thinking as a caregiver that an important goal is helping the person with dementia feel like themselves without disease as much as possible. To that end, “denial” is a very powerful medicine. When you’re able to create a safe, comfortable moment for the person denial can step in and erase for them the holes and the inabilities and in their head, they’re just eating chips and watching tv as their full self. They don’t notice that they can’t remember who is sitting next to them or why the living room looks different.

I agree with the others to let go of logical persuasion completely. It’s not the goal any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have medical/durable power of attorney? Does she have money to pay for care? If so, just do it.

Another route is ER and then don’t let them release her home. Work with the social worker to find a place.

^Social workers won't/can't do much...be prepared to do your own research, calls and site visits. It takes time to find a good one that has availability. Make sure to read the reviews of facility - including Glassdoor & Indeed ratings from employees. Also check the state regulatory agency for any violations the facilities have in recent years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve reframed my thinking as a caregiver that an important goal is helping the person with dementia feel like themselves without disease as much as possible. To that end, “denial” is a very powerful medicine. When you’re able to create a safe, comfortable moment for the person denial can step in and erase for them the holes and the inabilities and in their head, they’re just eating chips and watching tv as their full self. They don’t notice that they can’t remember who is sitting next to them or why the living room looks different.

I agree with the others to let go of logical persuasion completely. It’s not the goal any more.

This. Forget about logic and reasoning as they simply do not work. Focus on meeting the person with dementia where they are. This involves "therapeutic lying" and immersing yourself into their reality as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her it’s a temporary stay at first. You are going out of town or something like that. Then, she never leaves.

Yes. We were advised therapeutic lies were the way to go. You can say anything-house needs to be fumigated/getting floors done/whatever. You could even tell her the new place is a special hotel. Whatever will work. There are Alzheimer's hotlines where you may be able to get guidance.

Sadly, it's true, one symptom can be not understanding anything is wrong. There is a name for it.

Also, it's good you are posting this so people see, once you move them in, very hard to move them out.

[Anonymous]

Make sure the AL also has a Memory Care she can move to when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like it's time for memory care now. This is a one-way street. Don't go assisted living first -- that's for people who can't do ADLs (activities of daily life), not for people with dementia who may also have problems with ADLs.