Spouse just sits there when I do everything

[Anonymous]

Similar to bring a single parent while married. When he tries to do stuff (childcare, home stuff) it's a compete disaster. Think malicious incompetence. Besides sending him away when I'm at home, what other solutions are there?

[Anonymous]

What happens when you sit down and discuss this with him?

[Anonymous]

Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you sit down and discuss this with him?

He tries to shape up for a day but then it just goes back to nothing. Even the idiot-proof jobs we created so the workload is more even, he slacks off. Like keep the cars filled with gas. Turn on the dishwasher. Our 8 year old is better than DH at doing things at this point

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling. A neutral third party that holds him accountable may be enough, and will also check whether you are contributing to the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Any chance there is undiagnosed ADD? Depression? Are both of his parents functional? Is their home well run? What is his work history like?

[Anonymous]

^ + do kids have any diagnoses that involve executive functions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any chance there is undiagnosed ADD? Depression? Are both of his parents functional? Is their home well run? What is his work history like?

Bingo, he does have depression and anxiety. And ASD. This came out all after marriage and kid. I've really lowered my expectations but sometimes it's all too much.

[Anonymous]

If it is just ADD and depression, meds can help, along with executive function coaching.

[Anonymous]

Does he have long term friendships and a social life? Is he successful and getting promotions at work? If either of these is true, I'd think it is more of a relationship issue.

Or is he more of a lump, a gamer, etc., and if his family are similar, hoard, are underemployed, etc., I'd suspect mental illness &/or neurodiversity. Approaching this as a relationship issue will not improve things. Targeted help and meds may. Particularly true if kids may have similar traits. If mental illness, the NAMI family to family course is free and online so can be done when it fits your schedule. If DH has any time of impairments re: mood or executive functions, targeted help will help not only him and marriage but family and kids.

[Anonymous]

kind of impairments

[Anonymous]

You need to take a step back.

Leave him with the kids for an hour a day. He'll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it is just ADD and depression, meds can help, along with executive function coaching.

He's already on so much medication. Do you know any exec function coaches for adults in the area?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any chance there is undiagnosed ADD? Depression? Are both of his parents functional? Is their home well run? What is his work history like?

I have ADD and depression and to use these as excuses not to carry your weight is pathetic and unacceptable. I have to write down a lot that others don't have to write down, and push myself harder and do more things to care for my mental health than others, but I do that, because I have a family depending on me (and if I don't, I spiral downwards), and children watching me as an example of a father and husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance there is undiagnosed ADD? Depression? Are both of his parents functional? Is their home well run? What is his work history like?

Bingo, he does have depression and anxiety. And ASD. This came out all after marriage and kid. I've really lowered my expectations but sometimes it's all too much.

Ugh, get targeted therapy to coping with this.
Outsource as much as possible.
Send him to work to make as much money as possible for as long as possible.
His cognitive abilities will get worse over time so you’ll be lucky if he works fulltime past age 50.