Dementia and bereavement

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have experience helping an elder with dementia (vascular not Alzheimer’s if that makes a difference, not sure it does) who has lost a loved one, and sometimes remembers and sometimes doesn’t. Struggling here.

[Anonymous]

Speak to their doctor. There may be medications that can enhance their cognition.

[Anonymous]

I’m a big believer in therapeutic non-truths, personally. There are a lot of ways to talk about someone who is deceased with one of you knowing that and one of you not.

“Where’s Larla?”
“She’s not here. What do you think about salmon for dinner?”
“When is Larla coming.”
“Larla REALLY loved salmon. I remember she ordered the salmon every time we went to Dino’s restaurant when we lived in Pensacola. Do you like seafood?”
*gets agitated* “when is she coming to dinner?”
“I am going to tell you the second I hear from her. We’re safe here together for now. It’s time to get dinner together, would that be okay for now?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a big believer in therapeutic non-truths, personally. There are a lot of ways to talk about someone who is deceased with one of you knowing that and one of you not.

“Where’s Larla?”
“She’s not here. What do you think about salmon for dinner?”
“When is Larla coming.”
“Larla REALLY loved salmon. I remember she ordered the salmon every time we went to Dino’s restaurant when we lived in Pensacola. Do you like seafood?”
*gets agitated* “when is she coming to dinner?”
“I am going to tell you the second I hear from her. We’re safe here together for now. It’s time to get dinner together, would that be okay for now?”

When she doesn't remember we don't remind her. We just say "He couldn't come today. He loves you. He'll see you soon (we're Christian so we don't consider this a lie)."

[Anonymous]

Tough one, sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

OP here (I forgot to put my name in the post above about telling her she'll see him soon).

The hardest thing is that sometimes it seems like coming to visit is what reminds her that he's gone. I am more closely related to the person who died, and always brought him when I visited, so when she sees me she either asks me why I didn't bring him, or suddenly remembers that he's gone. The latter is really hard, because it's like she just learned, so her grief is so fresh and raw. Only those of us on his side of the family have this problem.

[Anonymous]

My dh's grandpa. Psychiatrist advised not to talk about dh's grandma to not upset him, but to listen to him and speak about her if HE brought her up. He didn't know she passed away when he died a few weeks after she did. Again, that was the psychiatrist's advice. He was not asking were she was at any point, just reminiscing on more distant past and memories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here (I forgot to put my name in the post above about telling her she'll see him soon).

The hardest thing is that sometimes it seems like coming to visit is what reminds her that he's gone. I am more closely related to the person who died, and always brought him when I visited, so when she sees me she either asks me why I didn't bring him, or suddenly remembers that he's gone. The latter is really hard, because it's like she just learned, so her grief is so fresh and raw. Only those of us on his side of the family have this problem.

That is really tough. I don’t think there’s anything to do except just honor it and sit through it with her.

If she asks why you didn’t bring him I agree that a “he couldn’t come today” or something like that is okay.