Am I not socializing enough?

[Anonymous]

I recently learned that a very close friend told another mutual friend that she feels like she and I are growing apart because she has realized how different we are. While this is a little disappointing, I get it. People change, and friendships change over time. The thing that caught me off guard is the fact that my friend apparently attributed this growing apart to the fact that she does not think I am “making much of an effort socially or trying to meet new people.”

This friend and I live on opposite coasts, so her complaint does not seem to be that I am not making enough of an effort with her. We see each other often enough despite living so far apart, and I think I typically do a better job of checking in than she does. Instead, what she seems to be getting at is that she doesn’t think I spend enough time socializing in my day-to-day life or making new friends.

This friend and I are in the same life stage. We’re both in our mid-30s, we both have young children, and we both WOH full-time. I see friends every 2 weeks or so on weekends, and I also spend my weekends doing kid activities, having the occasional date night with DH, doing chores, running errands, exercising, spending time with local family, and catching up on work. Basically, I feel like my life is very full (verging on too full), and now I feel judged by one of my oldest friends for not having a full enough social calendar or not establishing enough new connections.

I’m not sure what sort of validation I’m seeking here. Maybe I just want to vent! I guess I’m curious to know - am I an outlier in the way I socialize and spend my weekends at this stage in life? I just don’t understand why one of my closest friends would say something like this about me!

[Anonymous]

I socialize more than you, but you socialize a normal amount. Also, you do what works for YOU. Who the hell is your friend to judge? I'm confrontational so I'd reach out and say "Hey, Maria told me the other day you thought we're growing apart because you don't think I make an effort socially or try to meet new people. Is that what you said?"

Then tell her that's weird as hell for her to judge from 3,000 miles away and shouldn't affect your friendship but you'd love her to explain what she said to Maria and what she meant.

Maybe Maria misunderstood?

[Anonymous]

Maybe your mutual friend made that up? Don’t forget that possibility. I wouldn’t accuse other coast friend right away.

And…who cares what other think. You do what is right for you. Every two weeks you get together with friends without your kids? That seems like a lot to me! I only see friends that often in the summer when we socialize at the pool. We are all busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently learned that a very close friend told another mutual friend that she feels like she and I are growing apart because she has realized how different we are. While this is a little disappointing, I get it. People change, and friendships change over time. The thing that caught me off guard is the fact that my friend apparently attributed this growing apart to the fact that she does not think I am “making much of an effort socially or trying to meet new people.”

This friend and I live on opposite coasts, so her complaint does not seem to be that I am not making enough of an effort with her. We see each other often enough despite living so far apart, and I think I typically do a better job of checking in than she does. Instead, what she seems to be getting at is that she doesn’t think I spend enough time socializing in my day-to-day life or making new friends.

This friend and I are in the same life stage. We’re both in our mid-30s, we both have young children, and we both WOH full-time. I see friends every 2 weeks or so on weekends, and I also spend my weekends doing kid activities, having the occasional date night with DH, doing chores, running errands, exercising, spending time with local family, and catching up on work. Basically, I feel like my life is very full (verging on too full), and now I feel judged by one of my oldest friends for not having a full enough social calendar or not establishing enough new connections.

I’m not sure what sort of validation I’m seeking here. Maybe I just want to vent! I guess I’m curious to know - am I an outlier in the way I socialize and spend my weekends at this stage in life? I just don’t understand why one of my closest friends would say something like this about me!

.

More importantly, why is your middle friend such a gossip?

[Anonymous]

I would not care about what someone who lives in a different time zone thinks about my everyday life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not care about what someone who lives in a different time zone thinks about my everyday life.

+1 this is absurd

A local friend who felt you were drifting apart and not making time for her is a different issue, if you care about that relationship.

A West coast "friend" saying this nonsense sounds like someone who's probably checked out or dissatisfied with her own life. It's fine to embrace this phase of life for what it is and not pretend you're a 20-Something who has time for HH and going out all the time.

[Anonymous]

Weird. I would ignore and stop making an effort to spend time with either of these two gossips

[Anonymous]

You can’t force yourself on other people.

I strongly dislike people who spread false information to try to manipulate a situation to their benefit. I distance myself from people like this. I don’t place any weight on shared history if someone reveals this character flaw to me.

It has meant that I socialize a lot less than I used to, but I prefer to be selective in making friends.

There is nothing wrong with not excessively seeking others’ approval.

[Anonymous]

I am entirely different person from before I had kids. I vaguely remember my single childless friend dismissing some mom friends I had made when my kids were toddlers. I guess I probably would not have been friends with these moms if we had met pre friends.

[Anonymous]

You and your friends talk too much.

Who TF betrayed her confidence?

Dont trust that person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am entirely different person from before I had kids. I vaguely remember my single childless friend dismissing some mom friends I had made when my kids were toddlers. I guess I probably would not have been friends with these moms if we had met pre friends.

Her friend is not childless

[Anonymous]

yeah the middle friend sounds like the one with the issue. I'd just back away from her. Maybe talk to the coast friend and tell her you're hurt.

[Anonymous]

you socialize plenty and who cares if you socialized more or less? YOU haven't expressed a problem with how much you socialize.

[Anonymous]

You socialize about as much as most people with young kids do. Some do more if their partner spends time with kids solo and they spend time with other adults and then switch. Really depends on the family dynamic. Both your friends are odd for caring and for gossiping about. Seems like there is insecurity going all around and causing issues.