How to help 16 yo son with self esteem

[Anonymous]

My 16 yo is a sensitive, gentle and kind person with low self esteem. It’s reflected in his posture (often slouches and looks down) and in comments he makes about himself. In response to a compliment about doing something well or looking handsome after a haircut, for example, he will make disparaging comments about himself. He does well in school but when he struggles with something is quick to beat himself up and call himself “not very smart” etc. It makes me sad. He has an activity in the fall that is competitive and I can tell that the successes he has with his “team” (not actually a sport) make him feel pretty good but he is resistant to participating in any other activities.

This is sort of a ramble but am wondering if this is the norm with some teens that they grow out of (?) and how I can help him build his confidence. I have poor self esteem myself so maybe I inadvertently am teaching him to be this way or it is a personality trait we are hard wired for in our family. Looking for any helpful input.

[Anonymous]

In order to build self-esteem it helps to build skills. So if you can teach him to cook or do simple carpentry or pitch a tent and make a fire, anything that shows personal competence, that will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In order to build self-esteem it helps to build skills. So if you can teach him to cook or do simple carpentry or pitch a tent and make a fire, anything that shows personal competence, that will help.

+1
Are there any clubs he can join at school? Sports like cross country are very inclusive and positive as well

[Anonymous]

Have him volunteer and work with people who really need friends and/or help- the elderly, disadvantaged kids, etc. Helping others brings an intrinsic sense of self worth. It’s not all about what you do for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Consider a part time job. My dd is the same way and I was similar. Not very sporty.

A job as a cashier in a big box store opened up my world. I was able to help people, felt good about earning my own money, and met other high school students. It built my confidence and was good prep for the working world.

[Anonymous]

I would say join Scouts but it might be a bit late for him to get the full benefit. You might consider a program like Outward Bound instead. I know a number of people who say it is life changing.

[Anonymous]

A part time job - does he drive? My 16 yo got a lot of social status by having money and being the first of her friends to drive.

A good haircut and the right clothes helps. Having girls interested in you (my dd and her friends say being tall, good hair and good fashion will get you attention from most girls) is also a status thing.

I know it’s shallow but sometimes these surface level things give them to confidence to join the more productive activities that give them true self confidence. Fake it til you make it is real.

[Anonymous]

Tell him it's rude to reject someone's compliment. The only appropriate response is to "smile and say thank you."

Every teenager slouches. It's from looking at their phones.

[Anonymous]

I have had 2 teens struggle with self esteem. One is now 22 and one is 16. It’s so hard. I wish I had advice. I always wish they could see themselves as we do.

[Anonymous]

I’m a NP interested to see if anyone has tried to address this nutritionally or in some other functional medicine way. Like b12, liver capsules, cold therapy…

I have always had low self esteem despite having a wonderful family. Now that I’m in my 40s I think so much of it is linked to genetics /metabolic healthcare, gut flora, antibiotic use, circadian rhythms. My children are young but I’m trying to figure out any and all ways to strengthen them before adolescence.

[Anonymous]

Read the book Mindset. Agree a job will be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Job, new look/clothes, sports. All these helped my daughter. She is not athletic but the HS team she is on is not competitive so doesn’t matter too much. Teach him how to accept compliments.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the suggestions! As for compliments, I do tell him to say thank you and smile but this does not have much of an impact. I think continuing to encourage him to put himself out there w/activities and helping others might be a good way to go.