What to do about mother’s estate and greedy aunts?

[Anonymous]

I need preemptive advice, please!

They are thinking my mother will be moved into hospice care soon. Long story short, I don’t have a close, or really any, relationship with my living aunts or cousins on my mother’s side. Our relationships are cordial at best as my mother is declining. They try to insert themselves into her care, because they are notorious busybodies who care more about being in control than they care about my mother, but that’s a story for a different time.

My mother still has a house full of “stuff”. Not a hoarder by any means, but rooms full of an average amount of old furniture. There are some items of sentimental/familial value that I know these aunts/cousins will come looking to claim. My mother HAS a will, and has many things left to people in said will. But I know they will want to come poke through everything looking for more, and will disagree with me just disposing and/or donating the rest. Most things are truly worthless, and I don’t have time, energy, or desire to profit from any of it. I will make fast work of clearing her house.

So I’m pondering what to do. Do I allow them a set time on a set day to poke around for what they want, stipulating they come with Uhauls or equivalent to take it THEN? Or do I just not even invite the drama, give them just what’s stated in the will, and do what I want despite their protests?

[Anonymous]

If you don't want a lot of the stuff, why not let them have it? Seems petty to do otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Nothing you describe sounds like greed. It sounds like grieving sisters who want sentimental items. From your title, I expected a story about millions of dollars. But elderly sisters who want some valueless clothes and jewelry their sister owned because they love her? That’s not greed. That’s profound grief.

If you don’t care about anything, let them wander around the house. Why would you even care? Let them take what they want. Once it’s out of your house, it’s one more item you don’t have to deal with.

You sound like the issue here more than anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want a lot of the stuff, why not let them have it? Seems petty to do otherwise.

+1

OP sounds nasty.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a trusted friend who could watch the house? I know an aunt who ransacked and grabbed the best stuff when everyone else was busy with the patient. If you are the exécuter stay in control of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want a lot of the stuff, why not let them have it? Seems petty to do otherwise.

Because I saw how they handled their own parents belongings. It became a months-long event of going through each and every item, piece meal selling things for top dollar online, arguing with each other, just so much drama. I don’t want to deal with it.

I don’t mind if they take whatever they want, but they will want to take their time, won’t want me to clear anything out until they look at it, etc. I am not sure they are capable of being quick or decisive about what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want a lot of the stuff, why not let them have it? Seems petty to do otherwise.

+1

OP sounds nasty.

No, OP sounds like she wants to avoid a situation that keeps her from being able to clear out the house.

OP I think you should discuss with an estate lawyer. It sound reasonable to give a limited amount of time for them to take items that you would otherwise donate or trash, but there has to be a clear deadline. I would not allow any of them into the house until you have overseen distribution of the items in the will.

[Anonymous]

Make sure all the things you want are clearly labeled or put in a designated area marked with your name. Then do as you suggest—name a date when your aunts can come over together and go through everything and take what they want. When you set this up, let them know that they can coordinate amongst themselves to reach agreement on who gets what.

It might be hard for them to take the things away that same day, since they don’t necessarily know what furniture or other items to plan for. So tell them that if they don’t come and take the things the following weekend, then everything that’s still in the house is going to be donated, since you’re clearing the house a couple days later. Say you’re sure they understand how painful the whole process is for you and you’re grateful for their cooperation and happy your mother’s things will go to people who care about her. (Say all this whether it’s true or not.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you describe sounds like greed. It sounds like grieving sisters who want sentimental items. From your title, I expected a story about millions of dollars. But elderly sisters who want some valueless clothes and jewelry their sister owned because they love her? That’s not greed. That’s profound grief.

If you don’t care about anything, let them wander around the house. Why would you even care? Let them take what they want. Once it’s out of your house, it’s one more item you don’t have to deal with.

You sound like the issue here more than anything.

You don’t know them or their relationship with my mother, so I’m asking you to trust me. It’s maybe not greed, you’re right. It’s control, then.

I don’t care what they take at all, but I don’t have time or energy to fool around while they argue about it, nor do I want to halt progress by holding on to things while they nickel and dime buyers on the internet and claim they don’t have a place to store the things. I don’t have the energy to fight with them.

[Anonymous]

Take out what you want to keep. That way they won’t even have a chance to lay their eyes on it. And then I think giving them a day to come in and take that same day is a good idea. Honestly it may lighten your load of what you have to clear out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want a lot of the stuff, why not let them have it? Seems petty to do otherwise.

+1

OP sounds nasty.

No, OP sounds like she wants to avoid a situation that keeps her from being able to clear out the house.

OP I think you should discuss with an estate lawyer. It sound reasonable to give a limited amount of time for them to take items that you would otherwise donate or trash, but there has to be a clear deadline. I would not allow any of them into the house until you have overseen distribution of the items in the will.

OP here. You articulated my concerns perfectly.

They have no access to the house, I have the only keys.

[Anonymous]

1. You give them what's in the will.

2. Then you secure the things you want for yourself, that you are entitled to under the terms of the will.

3. Finally, you bring people in to choose additional items at their leisure. This will lead to fights, maybe, but at least you'll have made the gesture.

[Anonymous]

It seems as if your goal is to have things wrapped up relatively quickly and to not get involved in the drama.

I would set a time limit, but make it as generous as you can given need to sell house, how far away you live, etc etc etc.

If you think it's likely that they will squabble with one another, ask them to decide if they'd like to visit together or how they'd like to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure all the things you want are clearly labeled or put in a designated area marked with your name. Then do as you suggest—name a date when your aunts can come over together and go through everything and take what they want. When you set this up, let them know that they can coordinate amongst themselves to reach agreement on who gets what.

It might be hard for them to take the things away that same day, since they don’t necessarily know what furniture or other items to plan for. So tell them that if they don’t come and take the things the following weekend, then everything that’s still in the house is going to be donated, since you’re clearing the house a couple days later. Say you’re sure they understand how painful the whole process is for you and you’re grateful for their cooperation and happy your mother’s things will go to people who care about her. (Say all this whether it’s true or not.)

My mother will not be coming home, so my plan is to soon go and collect the items for distribution and to collect what I want to keep, which isn’t much.

Thanks for your sound advice. I think this is what I will probably do, but I worry the day will come (the following weekend) and they will have 1,000,001 reasons why they can’t pick up, and then will start trouble for me when I proceed. I may have to hire one of those 1-800-JUNK type companies to just get it done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want a lot of the stuff, why not let them have it? Seems petty to do otherwise.

Because I saw how they handled their own parents belongings. It became a months-long event of going through each and every item, piece meal selling things for top dollar online, arguing with each other, just so much drama. I don’t want to deal with it.

I don’t mind if they take whatever they want, but they will want to take their time, won’t want me to clear anything out until they look at it, etc. I am not sure they are capable of being quick or decisive about what they want.

Okay, first disperse the items in the will. Then hire an estate liquidator. Tell the aunts the day of the liquidation is (say) August 24th, 2024. Any items not taken by the end of the day will be disposed of by the liquidator.