DD jealous of DS
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Anonymous
| DS has received all his college admissions responses, and most of it was good news. Unfortunately, his 15 year old sister is jealous of his results, and she's taking it out everyone by making snide comments about his top choice, etc. I'm nearly certain it's anxiety over her own admissions journey in a few years, but I don't want it to sour our last few months together. Any advice? This is uncharted territory for us. |
Anonymous
Maybe she feels it creates expectations for her she cannot live up to, or anxiety about having to live up to it. She needs to understand she and her brother are different people, and you need to praise her own path often. My parents forgot to ever praise me even though I was the harder working kid. It sucked. You have to be vigilant about how you treat the two of them. |
Anonymous
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She feels the pressure. Let her know that she is next (in a good way), and you can't wait to celebrate with her, when it is her turn! We are big on "do they treat you that way?" (meaning any negative behaviors). They don't have to jump for joy, but they can't be totally negative for a lengthy, drawn out time.
Our second DC refused to come on any college tours, even though all our DCs are close in age, and that would have helped (us, anyway). We think that was his way of not getting stressed out by the process. Also, they want to make their application time their own. Maybe criticizing your first born's process is freeing to the second born. |
Anonymous
Oh, it definitely creates expectations. They're all in her head, not ours, but thanks for the reminder to keep praising her. Unfortunately, she's mentioned wanting the same path, and I'm really concerned about how things will play out if she doesn't meet the goals she's set in her own mind. |
Anonymous
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DS is a high school senior (17)?
DD is a sophomore? Seems like she’s immature. Needs to get over it and be happy for her brother. |
Anonymous
This is unfair. Of course a near-junior is going to stress that she won't do as well. |
Anonymous
| My take, she's anticipating the loss of her brother in her daily life, not his college decision per se. You are contributing to her unwell feelings by comparing his outcome to her yet-to-be-determined outcome. |
Anonymous
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Congrats to your son. I’d suggest you step back for a moment and think about all that
positive energy that’s been flowing his way. Can you love bomb your daughter? Take her out to dinner, focus on her, talk a bit about some of the ways you are excited for a future with her as the oldest kid in the house? This sounds like classic acting out for attention. |
Anonymous
| It’s obviously anxiety on her part. I’d tell her that her time for this is a long way away and focus on her being in the moment. Kids here worry about too early. I’d take her aside or out for lunch and tell her that you imagine this must be difficult to go through for her. She’s also going to have to adjust to his absence from the home. Let her tell you what she is thinking, and don’t let all the family talk be about him, and emphasize that everyone finds the right spot when it’s time. Then be clear about how it’s unkind to be snarky about his brother and imagine if the roles were reversed. If the unkindness continues, there needs to be consequences. And talk to the brother about his take on the situation. He may be able to help reassure her and emphasize that college is a long way away and everyone finds a different, legitimate way forward in life. |
Anonymous
She will do as well, the same, or better. Either way, it’s more than a year away and acting out isn’t going to help anyone. Hence be happy for your brother and support him. |
Anonymous
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Agree with the pp to praise her for her successes and take time to spend time with her for fun outings as well as talk this out, validate her feelings and work through whatever is causing this criticism of her brothers choices
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Anonymous
| It seems often during these times emphasis and praise/attention is going to the collage acceptanciee and the other child might feel ignored. I.e. "congrats Ds, friend, relative, etc...oh hi DD." |
Anonymous
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I had an older sibling that got into Harvard. I remember vividly how it almost consumed me with a feeling of doom. It wasn't jealousy. It was holy shit I will never be able to live up to this. Am I supposed to live up to this? What am I going to do now? It wasn't jealousy. It was fear and panic.
I would approach her and not assume it's jealousy and just openly talk to her about how it's making her feel. Validate how she feels because it's real. But also tell her that her path is not her brother's path. She will have her own path and it will be right for her. I did not go to Harvard and everything turned out great for me. |
Anonymous
| I'd tell her to shut it, nobody's interested in her obnoxious comments and if she has nothing nice to say she can go to her room until she can be civil. |
Anonymous
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This didn’t come out of no where.
Your son is the golden child and this is what happens when you have one. |