Dreading DTR talk

[Anonymous]

I’m scheduled to have a DTR talk with a man I’ve been seeing for 3 months. Up until a couple of weeks ago things have been picture perfect between us. Things had been picking up between us, so I asked if he thought this was heading to an official relationship. He said he was still checking for compatibility and had a lot of questions about what being in an official relationship looked like to me. For some reason all of this was a turn off to me. The times I’ve entered into serious relationships with men there was not a lot of back and fourth on it. It was simple….do you wanna be my girlfriend? Then we figure the rest out along the way.

We are scheduled to talk soon about it at his request and I’m dreading it. I suspect I will find the whole thing emotionally draining and we will not leave the discussion with a label. Does this sound like a fundamental incompatibility? Or should I suck it up and try to do things his way? Up until this point he has been a complete gentleman and seems to genuinely
Like me a lot.

[Anonymous]

3 months is a relationship. Not sure what "official" means to you? Intro to family & inner circle? Being exclusive? Sounds like you're out of sync. Don't fret too much, one guy is not be all end all, he is just one guy.

[Anonymous]

Honey, if it were my daughter I would remind her she is loved and cherished and doesn’t need to convince a man of her value within her free trial period. MOVE ON and make room for someone who is thrilled to call you his girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Honey, if it were my daughter I would remind her she is loved and cherished and doesn’t need to convince a man of her value within her free trial period. MOVE ON and make room for someone who is thrilled to call you his girlfriend.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think you should keep an open mind and see how it goes. Don't let him BS you into being in an exclusive going nowhere sexual relationship. But maybe he just wants to have a good convo and see if you are on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should keep an open mind and see how it goes. Don't let him BS you into being in an exclusive going nowhere sexual relationship. But maybe he just wants to have a good convo and see if you are on the same page.

+1. Don’t dread the conversation in advance. But don’t settle for scraps if the end result isn’t what you want.

[Anonymous]

Dating should not be this hard. If you are not on the same page, move on. A man should be excited to be exclusive with you, excited to be in an “official” relationship with you. If he is not, move on.

[Anonymous]

That would raise a lot of red flags for me. If he has to consider things so much, I bet he a number of hang ups, past traumas, or other unresolved issues that he’s bringing into a potential relationship. All of which would be his responsibility to address, but guys tend to not do that. Any of which could bring insecure attachment styles, which are a destroyer of relationships.

So go see what he has to say, but don’t take it personally - I suspect that whatever it is is all about him and not you.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who needs more than three months to decide if they are compatible has a problem unless you were only together three times. I would listen to him and if he continues to waffle I’d get up and leave. Indecisive people are always a challenge.

[Anonymous]

I have a rule of 3's - no more than 3 dates if I can't him as a boyfriend, no more than 3mos to become exclusive, no more than another 3mos if I can't see myself married to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Honey, if it were my daughter I would remind her she is loved and cherished and doesn’t need to convince a man of her value within her free trial period. MOVE ON and make room for someone who is thrilled to call you his girlfriend.

Agreed. OP, if I were you I would go into this convo with the expectation we will part ways and break up. Work on your script for how to end it, but don’t lead with that, let him says his piece about where his head is at.

Then if his feelings are anything other than “I want to be with you in an exclusive long term relationship”, then it is time to bid him adieu and cut him loose.

[Anonymous]

Wtf? People actually schedule a time to DTR. That wasn’t even a phrase when I was dating. This just happened naturally. If it didn’t, it was going nowhere and you didn’t need to be Einstein to figure that out. If you need him to DTR- he isn’t in to you for anything other than sex.

[Anonymous]

He said he was still checking for compatibility

This statement alone would end it for me. Anyone who spends three months with me and then announces that he is still kicking the tires is getting dropped immediately. What an @sshole.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a corporate performance review.

Seems like a red flag to me. Dated a guy like this once - nice guy, we were actually good friends, but he had crippling anxiety/other issues that affected every aspect of his life including dating. Was not good to be on the receiving end of that.

Alternatively, my husband had just gotten out of a long term relationship when we met. He needed to take it slow because he was not emotionally ready to jump into another serious relationship. Things moved fairly slowly, but they moved in the right direction. There was no hemming and hawing over compatibility just to date and DTR - we liked each other, took things slow, and after a few months of this, defined things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That would raise a lot of red flags for me. If he has to consider things so much, I bet he a number of hang ups, past traumas, or other unresolved issues that he’s bringing into a potential relationship. All of which would be his responsibility to address, but guys tend to not do that. Any of which could bring insecure attachment styles, which are a destroyer of relationships.

So go see what he has to say, but don’t take it personally - I suspect that whatever it is is all about him and not you.

All of this. It’s the over analysis that’s a dead giveaway that something else is going on with him. Insecure attachment style and will cause you a lot of pain along the way even if he “decides” that you’re compatible (for now, at least.)