How do you know when a friendship isn't for you any more?

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering what other people see as signs that a person perhaps isn't a good person and gives you pause about being their friend. I have a married female friend who is on her second 'emotional affair' (plus some light petting) with another married individual. I could kind of grasp the first one, but this just seems sort of pathetic. Also, I'm friends with my friend's spouse. It all makes me uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

It's fine to end a friendship with someone whose behavior you can't support. You can say something, or you can just fade away.

Honestly I've ended friendships for much less. I have limited free time and I want to spend it with people I really like.

[Anonymous]

How did you find a friend like this? Of course you should fade away. I think when you don't feel comfortable, it's better for both of you to pause the friendship

[Anonymous]

Tell her gently to stop this behavior because nothing good is going to come out of it.
If she is not showing change of behavior you go your own way.

[Anonymous]

Do you want to be someone who chooses this for a friendship? That's on you.

[Anonymous]

Slow fade. Going nuclear is too much drama. Life is too short to feel uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

I backed away from a friendship when my friend started cheating on her spouse and was very open about it with me. I wasn't even that close to her husband, but it made me feel so gross to feel somehow complicit because I knew what she was doing. I was up front with her -- I told her that her choices were stressing me out and I couldn't support her in it, but she was an adult and could make her own choices. She was actually pretty mature about it and didn't flip out.

She wound up divorcing her husband and then later married one of the people she cheated on him with, and had a kid. We actually reconnected online a few years ago and it's been good having her back in my life a little bit. It seems like she's done a lot of growing up and she's a good mom and I feel pretty confident she'd never cheat on her current husband. I think her first marriage was just not a good marriage and they were not well suited for each other and my friend was extremely immature at the time.

I don't regret backing away back then and I don't regret rekindling our friendship. Life is long. Make the best choices you can but try to be thoughtful about it. No reason to burn bridges completely, you can just take a step back and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you find a friend like this? Of course you should fade away. I think when you don't feel comfortable, it's better for both of you to pause the friendship

Op here. We’vebeen friends for over a decade. I guess her marriage isn’t going well, although she doesn’t complain about it.

I want to think of being able to support someone even when I don’t really like their choices. I guess the question I am seeking answers to is when is it a bridge too far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you find a friend like this? Of course you should fade away. I think when you don't feel comfortable, it's better for both of you to pause the friendship

Op here. We’vebeen friends for over a decade. I guess her marriage isn’t going well, although she doesn’t complain about it.

I want to think of being able to support someone even when I don’t really like their choices. I guess the question I am seeking answers to is when is it a bridge too far.

You know what you can live with. It sounds like you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who cheated on her husband (I didn't know about it) and then come to ME in a panic for support when it all came crashing down in a giant flaming mess with custody dispute and all.

I did support such friend even though it was really difficult for me, having been cheated on myself (friend didn't know this).

We stayed friends for a while, and I dutifully supported friend through divorce fallout. But then the friend wasn't very supportive of me a couple years later. We fell out of touch.

Lesson: I invested a lot into this friendship but got nothing back. Ask yourself - if this person is the kind of person who cheats on their spouse, are they going to be a good friend to you???

[Anonymous]

For me, it’s when I leave their company feeling worse.

People who suck the oxygen out of the room. You know the type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, it’s when I leave their company feeling worse.

People who suck the oxygen out of the room. You know the type.

Yes I was thinking the same thing.

[Anonymous]

For me the answer is "Am I being authentic with this person?"

I ended a couple of nascent friendships (just met them after I moved to a new area) when I realized I was trying so hard to make a new friend that I wasn't being myself.

Standing by while your "friend" cheats on her spouse, whom you also consider to be a friend, is not authentic. As PPs noted above, I bet you leave their company feeling worse because you haven't said what is really in your heart. You were not authentic.

I've found the best friends are people I can be my total self with -- warts and all. Find those friends, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you find a friend like this? Of course you should fade away. I think when you don't feel comfortable, it's better for both of you to pause the friendship

Op here. We’vebeen friends for over a decade. I guess her marriage isn’t going well, although she doesn’t complain about it.

I want to think of being able to support someone even when I don’t really like their choices. I guess the question I am seeking answers to is when is it a bridge too far.

Re: the bolded -- why?
There are situations with no good choices ... but this doesn't seem like one of those. This seems like a pretty basic "you are the choices you make" situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you find a friend like this? Of course you should fade away. I think when you don't feel comfortable, it's better for both of you to pause the friendship

Op here. We’vebeen friends for over a decade. I guess her marriage isn’t going well, although she doesn’t complain about it.

I want to think of being able to support someone even when I don’t really like their choices. I guess the question I am seeking answers to is when is it a bridge too far.

It’s a bridge too far when their choices are immoral and hurt other people.