How to let go of petty bitterness?

[Anonymous]

About 20 years ago a close relative had a destination wedding that was out of our budget. But they are such a close relative to my spouse that we felt we had to go. The only way we afford it was by putting it on multiple credit cards. We sacrificed a lot to go (we had just gotten married and didn't even take a honeymoon ourselves due to finances) and had financial difficulties for many years after, several thousand of which we attributed to this wedding. I know we could have said no but we tried in our own way and we were different, younger people, so we felt we absolutely had to go when we were told to go and stay where we were told to stay. I am still bitter about it even though I love DH's family. I suppose I just have always wanted someone to say to us "Thank you for doing that, in retrospect we know it wasn't fair to ask of you and we know it was hard." At this point it feels unreasonable to feel this way so I am asking how to shake it for good for the benefit of my sanity.

[Anonymous]

Therapy

[Anonymous]

Extract the lessons and let it go. Stewing over it now is not serving you. You made a mistake. You now know better. Move on. No one should be thanking you.

[Anonymous]

I agree therapy. Why don’t YOU acknowledge what you did for the relationship? Your thoughts are making you the victim. You made a choice. Look at the financial forum. There’s a thread now about stupid financial mistakes. If you had the same financial situation due to other circumstances, you would only have to “blame” yourself.

You were young. Forgive yourself. If you’re still people pleasing, therapy will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Extract the lessons and let it go. Stewing over it now is not serving you. You made a mistake. You now know better. Move on. No one should be thanking you.

+1
You made a crappy decision and want to blame someone else for it. No one owes you a thank you.

[Anonymous]

Therapy. There is obviously more going on if you're still hung up on this after 20 years

[Anonymous]

Definite therapy. It seems like there is something else going on with this all. If was completely fair to ask for you to attend. Why would you think it wasn't?

[Anonymous]

You have a victim mindset. I'm sure you always try to blame others for when things go wrong. Therapy will probably help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About 20 years ago a close relative had a destination wedding that was out of our budget. But they are such a close relative to my spouse that we felt we had to go. The only way we afford it was by putting it on multiple credit cards. We sacrificed a lot to go (we had just gotten married and didn't even take a honeymoon ourselves due to finances) and had financial difficulties for many years after, several thousand of which we attributed to this wedding. I know we could have said no but we tried in our own way and we were different, younger people, so we felt we absolutely had to go when we were told to go and stay where we were told to stay. I am still bitter about it even though I love DH's family. I suppose I just have always wanted someone to say to us "Thank you for doing that, in retrospect we know it wasn't fair to ask of you and we know it was hard." At this point it feels unreasonable to feel this way so I am asking how to shake it for good for the benefit of my sanity.

Really, everything from the "but" forward on is a rationalization and complete BS. You made this decisions, you were adults, and you allowed others to sway or bully you. THe way to shake it is accept that it is your responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Therapy is a good suggestion that I surprisingly didn't think of. Maybe there is more going on.

For all the posters being hardliners...we were adults but we were about 23/24. I doubt you'd think of your own children like this, but maybe. I don't have kids that old yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy is a good suggestion that I surprisingly didn't think of. Maybe there is more going on.

For all the posters being hardliners...we were adults but we were about 23/24. I doubt you'd think of your own children like this, but maybe. I don't have kids that old yet.

I mean sure, a lot of us made dumb decisions at that age. I racked up credit card debt that took me awhile to get myself out. A decade later I don't harbor resentment for the vacation I took with my best friend that I couldn't afford or other things like that.

[Anonymous]

You made a financially immature and irresponsible decision years ago. Your decision to travel for any reason is yours and yours alone.

Take responsibility for your own choices. That will help you let go of pettiness and learn from your setbacks and bad choices.

Not shaming you- we’ve all made financial mistakes. Nobody is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Accept that it was your decision and your mistake and stop blaming others. Nobody is going to say thanks for coming to our wedding 20 years ago, get over it!

[Anonymous]

Take responsibility for your own feelings, your own actions, and your own decisions. Own your choices, live your choices.

That’s the therapy you need. Therapy to work on yourself. When you are confident and secure, you won’t “need” to satisfy the wants and desires and expectations of others, and you won’t mind it when people are disappointed or upset with your choices (or even if you PERCEIVE they are disappointed and upset).

[Anonymous]

This is 100% on you. They didn’t require you to attend and they have no idea if it was a hardship.

I’m sure if you had called the couple and said “hey we have to put this on credit cards to attend” they would have said not to come!