How do you encourage your kids to be independent with their social lives?

[Anonymous]

When. I was a kid, if I wanted to see a friend, I picked up the family landline and called their family landline, minimal to no grown ups involved. I want that for my kid (8 years old) but that seems unnecessarily complicated. None of their friends have phones, so even if I gave them one it would not solve the problem (and would also create new problems). It doesn't really work to have them just plan at school, because they might not know ahead of time exactly when they will be free and it has proved difficult for them to coordinate meeting at the park at particular times without involving parents. Plus it of course doesn't work during summer.

Do your 8 year olds have email accounts they can access on a family computer? Walkie talkies that go all the way to friends houses? A culture where they walk to friends houses and knock on the door unannounced? Other ideas?

I don't really want to introduce the same dynamic of group text messages and so forth --I just want to empower them to plan to meet their friends at the park or invite them over without having to ask me to ask the friends' parents, which creates friction and a feeling of being un-empowered and dependent. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Following. It is so annoying. That said, at 10 years old (5th grade) kids start to get phones or at least Apple Watches and can sort of open on their own. But they still have to run the plan by me so I can make sure it’s doable.

[Anonymous]

My 9 year old and her friends plan things a day or two before so they can check with parents, or ask a parent at pick up if they can have an unplanned play date, which based on the last two my daughter had, turn into sleepovers when they are on Friday night.

I might start having her message friends on her iPad thru messenger, but I am slightly concerned about on-line miscommunication/snippiness. Some of her friends have a tendency to make a big deal about things she’s left out of, either as an ego boost for themselves or out of cluelessness about other kids’ emotions. I really don’t want another means for that, nor do I want her to act like that (I don’t think she does, based on the conversations I’ve overheard, but she might!)

[Anonymous]

You make neighborhood friends that want the same things you want, OP. That way your kid knows which houses they can go to unannounced.

[Anonymous]

You probably have to wait till middle school. Before that, say 3rd-5th grade, they will probably start asking for "play dates" that you then have to set up. Then in 6th grade they generally start organizing their own fun.

[Anonymous]

My older kids are 12 and 14 and still require parents because they need rides. Both also have a lot of activities and can’t/don’t keep track of their schedules.

I still text other parents because of rides and carpooling. The kids have no problems trying to coordinate. Parents may say no on a school night or they may have sports or busy driving their sibling somewhere.

[Anonymous]

At 8 parents still involved.

At 11 they have phones and text each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My older kids are 12 and 14 and still require parents because they need rides. Both also have a lot of activities and can’t/don’t keep track of their schedules.

I still text other parents because of rides and carpooling. The kids have no problems trying to coordinate. Parents may say no on a school night or they may have sports or busy driving their sibling somewhere.

This.

[Anonymous]

I would never give a young child free access to a computer, email, phone. Nor would I allow them to go to the park or anywhere alone. I'd expect the parent to contact me to make arrangements and someone supervise (and if you don't supervise and dump it on me, I will only agree so many times). I also don't appreciate kids constantly knocking on my door demanding they be allowed to come in and play and I have to feed them if I wasn't planning on cooking. If you want your kids to play, you invite the kids over.

For teens, its a mix but usually like PP said there is not a lot of time with activities and we have to drive.

[Anonymous]

It will come later, like when they're 12 or 13. Whenever you get them a way to communicate directly with their friends.

[Anonymous]

Not a fan of all this coordinating with other parents either.

My DC’s cousins will directly FaceTime each other through their own accounts which I think is great.

[Anonymous]

It came in 6th grade for both of my kids.

[Anonymous]

Accept that calling on family landline is a thing of the past. 6th/7th grade it’ll change. And yes - certain things (neighborhood play) are possible without parent involvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never give a young child free access to a computer, email, phone. Nor would I allow them to go to the park or anywhere alone. I'd expect the parent to contact me to make arrangements and someone supervise (and if you don't supervise and dump it on me, I will only agree so many times). I also don't appreciate kids constantly knocking on my door demanding they be allowed to come in and play and I have to feed them if I wasn't planning on cooking. If you want your kids to play, you invite the kids over.

For teens, its a mix but usually like PP said there is not a lot of time with activities and we have to drive.

No one is "dumping" supervision on you just because your are a helicopter parent. If you don't want your kid to play on the park without an adult, that's your business but if another parent is okay with no supervision then they are not asking you for anything and they have no obligation to reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It came in 6th grade for both of my kids.

How, logistically? Do they and their friends have phones? Email or online messaging apps using a family computer?