Ex using weaponizing custody

[Anonymous]

Ex is using joint custody as a carrot in divorce proceedings. He actually asked for full custody but I think he’s doing that as a tactic so he can “give” me joint and not have to pay as much.

He won’t win, but if anyone has any tips on how I can navigate this well and keep my sanity, please share.

[Anonymous]

So, you ask for full custody and meet half way.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why you're worried about what he's doing and not focusing on advice and counsel from your lawyer, that's really all that matters.

[Anonymous]

IME, Never trade money for custody, which is modifiable at any time.

If your ex is at all abusive or controlling, prepare for more of this.

Do you trust your lawyer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IME, Never trade money for custody, which is modifiable at any time.

If your ex is at all abusive or controlling, prepare for more of this.

Do you trust your lawyer?

So take the money and lose custody of the kids? Won’t that make it easier for him to move out of state (which he also is threatening?)

Yes ex is financially abusive and generally controlling.

I trust my lawyer but haven’t been able to speak with her because she’s in another trial atm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why you're worried about what he's doing and not focusing on advice and counsel from your lawyer, that's really all that matters.

How do you think I got this info? This came from his lawyer to my lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why you're worried about what he's doing and not focusing on advice and counsel from your lawyer, that's really all that matters.

How do you think I got this info? This came from his lawyer to my lawyer.

PP here and obviously I meant trust the legal advice from your lawyer. If your lawyer says no way this will happen then trust that and don't worry about it. If for whatever reason he thinks your ex will win then ask your lawyer for options. You're paying for their expertise, rely on it.

[Anonymous]

^Edit. Also if your lawyer is just forwarding offers to you without any analysis or recommendations then you need a new lawyer. Or tell them not to forward information to you until they're ready to discuss if it's going to make you worried like this.

[Anonymous]

Joint custody is the norm unless you are an incapacitated person on drugs etc. Courts prefer that both parents have equal custody. In dc there is a formula. Sounds like his threats are a tactic that has worked on you before. Stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IME, Never trade money for custody, which is modifiable at any time.

If your ex is at all abusive or controlling, prepare for more of this.

Do you trust your lawyer?

So take the money and lose custody of the kids? Won’t that make it easier for him to move out of state (which he also is threatening?)

Yes ex is financially abusive and generally controlling.

I trust my lawyer but haven’t been able to speak with her because she’s in another trial atm.

First of all, listen to your lawyer who I hope has a strong relationship with your judge.

What I am saying is when you trade money for custody, he’s gong to come back a few months later and try to modify custody anyway. How old are your kids? Are you comfortable giving any info about your jurisdiction?

Read Lundy Bancroft’s books to understand how f@#$ed up family court is.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't worry too much about him threatening to seek full custody. He's not going to get it. Your lawyer will tell you that, I hope.

You're not likely to get it, either.

The issue will be wasting a bunch of money fighting over something that is basically fait accompli. Is he the type to do that and try to bleed you dry?

Ignore the threats. Listen to your lawyer and proceed accordingly. Assume it will be 50/50 custody and do whatever child support calculations based on that using your state's formula.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't worry too much about him threatening to seek full custody. He's not going to get it. Your lawyer will tell you that, I hope.

You're not likely to get it, either.

The issue will be wasting a bunch of money fighting over something that is basically fait accompli. Is he the type to do that and try to bleed you dry?

Ignore the threats. Listen to your lawyer and proceed accordingly. Assume it will be 50/50 custody and do whatever child support calculations based on that using your state's formula.

Yes I spoke to someone at my child’s school when I was double checking that they give us both info about the kids and she said she’s not worried for me, it’s a 50/50 state.

Ex is also trying to take all of retirement accounts and claim them as premarital assets but we have no prenup. Not sure why he’s doing this if he wanted to settle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't worry too much about him threatening to seek full custody. He's not going to get it. Your lawyer will tell you that, I hope.

You're not likely to get it, either.

The issue will be wasting a bunch of money fighting over something that is basically fait accompli. Is he the type to do that and try to bleed you dry?

Ignore the threats. Listen to your lawyer and proceed accordingly. Assume it will be 50/50 custody and do whatever child support calculations based on that using your state's formula.

Yes I spoke to someone at my child’s school when I was double checking that they give us both info about the kids and she said she’s not worried for me, it’s a 50/50 state.

Ex is also trying to take all of retirement accounts and claim them as premarital assets but we have no prenup. Not sure why he’s doing this if he wanted to settle?

The court see the dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IME, Never trade money for custody, which is modifiable at any time.

If your ex is at all abusive or controlling, prepare for more of this.

Do you trust your lawyer?

So take the money and lose custody of the kids? Won’t that make it easier for him to move out of state (which he also is threatening?)

Yes ex is financially abusive and generally controlling.

I trust my lawyer but haven’t been able to speak with her because she’s in another trial atm.

First of all, listen to your lawyer who I hope has a strong relationship with your judge.

What I am saying is when you trade money for custody, he’s gong to come back a few months later and try to modify custody anyway. How old are your kids? Are you comfortable giving any info about your jurisdiction?

Read Lundy Bancroft’s books to understand how f@#$ed up family court is.

In most states, you have to show that a modification of a custody order is "in the best interests of the child(ren) due to a substantial change of circumstances that affect the welfare of the child." It's actually quite a high bar, and I think getting the custody schedule right at the beginning is very important. There are limited circumstances where trading money for more custody is worth considering. What comes to mind is if you have an abusive ex who will continue to weaponize parenting time to hurt the kids or you, and you have a good job and can get by without the money you would forgo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IME, Never trade money for custody, which is modifiable at any time.

If your ex is at all abusive or controlling, prepare for more of this.

Do you trust your lawyer?

So take the money and lose custody of the kids? Won’t that make it easier for him to move out of state (which he also is threatening?)

Yes ex is financially abusive and generally controlling.

I trust my lawyer but haven’t been able to speak with her because she’s in another trial atm.

First of all, listen to your lawyer who I hope has a strong relationship with your judge.

What I am saying is when you trade money for custody, he’s gong to come back a few months later and try to modify custody anyway. How old are your kids? Are you comfortable giving any info about your jurisdiction?

Read Lundy Bancroft’s books to understand how f@#$ed up family court is.

In most states, you have to show that a modification of a custody order is "in the best interests of the child(ren) due to a substantial change of circumstances that affect the welfare of the child." It's actually quite a high bar, and I think getting the custody schedule right at the beginning is very important. There are limited circumstances where trading money for more custody is worth considering. What comes to mind is if you have an abusive ex who will continue to weaponize parenting time to hurt the kids or you, and you have a good job and can get by without the money you would forgo.

Yes, getting the best custody you can at the outset is preferable. Unfortunately the bar for modifying custody is very different for women. Again, I highly suggest reading Lundy Bancroft’s work.