Son told me I am putting too much pressure on him, best way to change this?

[Anonymous]

My son told me I’m putting too much pressure on him for everything- sports, involvement, academics… anyone been in this situation? What’s the best way to encourage and guide without making your kids feel this pressure? I grew up with zero guidance so I find myself having a hard time figuring out a good middle ground.

[Anonymous]

How old?

[Anonymous]

He’s 9

[Anonymous]

Let him know you don’t expect him to be perfect or not make mistakes. Then follow through, allow him to make mistakes and fix or learn from them. You cam set limits such us, if you start something you must finish it (for instance for a season) if by then you don’t think it is for you, you can quit. Let them make their own choices…

[Anonymous]

Thank him for being honest, and expressing his feelings. Tell him you're impressed with his ability to articulate himself, because at age 9 that IS very impressive. Ask him for two things he'd like you to do going forward, and two things he'd like you to stop doing going forward.

Write the four things down, review each morning, and go from there.

Fun fact: I don't watch my kids at sports practice. I drop off and pick up. I go to anything they invite me to. At the end I say "I had so much fun watching you - did you have fun?" and don't talk about mistakes they made or what they could work on to improve.

[Anonymous]

What if you thought of your role as supporting rather than guiding OP? What can you do to support him? Leave the guidance out.

[Anonymous]

We try and focus on making best effort in everything. Report cards are evaluated on effort. If DS has effort scores that are high, we don’t comment on the grade. If he has a not so great grade and high effort we let him know that we going to talk to the Teacher to see what we can do to support him understanding the material better but that we are happy to see him trying his hardest.

For sports we focus on hustle and listening to the coach and less on points/goals. We will point out areas we see him improving and make suggestions for how to do something better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We try and focus on making best effort in everything. Report cards are evaluated on effort. If DS has effort scores that are high, we don’t comment on the grade. If he has a not so great grade and high effort we let him know that we going to talk to the Teacher to see what we can do to support him understanding the material better but that we are happy to see him trying his hardest.

For sports we focus on hustle and listening to the coach and less on points/goals. We will point out areas we see him improving and make suggestions for how to do something better.

In sports we focus on listening to the coach and being a good team player and encouraging of teammates. All our kids have seen the movie Rudy.

[Anonymous]

We ask if they need help. Do you need a tutor, do you need me to help, do you need extra coaching?

We only intervene if they are getting C’s or lower.

We never discuss a game until 30 minutes after and we only listen. My h might have a few suggestions I just say I live to watch u play.

[Anonymous]

I would really consider how overbearing I must be to get a 9 year old to articulate this to me. Your son sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders, listen to him!

[Anonymous]

Sit down with him and discuss details. My mom never celebrated what I did unless I came in first. If I came in second in a meet, her immediate response was what I could improve on or what I did wrong. A lot of pressure came from her expectations for the future, which is difficult for a kid to get. I was convinced I'd be a failure in life if I wasn't the best at everything. So yes, sit with him and say you want to work on it and find out details

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sit down with him and discuss details. My mom never celebrated what I did unless I came in first. If I came in second in a meet, her immediate response was what I could improve on or what I did wrong. A lot of pressure came from her expectations for the future, which is difficult for a kid to get. I was convinced I'd be a failure in life if I wasn't the best at everything. So yes, sit with him and say you want to work on it and find out details

Guess your mom never heard the old saying "First is worst, second is best, third is the one with the hairy, hairy chest."

[Anonymous]

Don’t give advice unless asked. Don’t give negative feedback ever, unless it is about something really important like good sportsmanship, respect.

[Anonymous]

Never mention how he compares to other kids. Never. Focus on helping him be happy and kind with downtime to relax.

[Anonymous]

Sports should be fun for him and something he wants to do. Parents should cheer at games/meets and be there to listen. I agree that I don’t think parents need to or should be watching practices. If he tells you he wants to get better, then you can suggest next steps (talking to coach, private lessons, etc), but let him decide. I loved my sport and was so glad that my parents supported me, yet they also understood when I felt burned out and needed to stop.