How often do you see in laws?

[Anonymous]

We had my in laws over three weeks ago, saw them last week, will take them out to eat next week for a bday dinner, and now mil wants to “see the kids” tomorrow which means they would come to us bc teens are working and busy so no time to go to them (they are an hour away) it’s too much for me as mil especially is not a kind woman. Dh feels immense guilt and like a shitty son saying no, but I don’t want to always have to think about them and cater to them.

[Anonymous]

Just respond that tomorrow is not going to work and that you will see them at the birthday dinner.

[Anonymous]

That’s a hard one. I would feel bad if I did something that would prevent my DH from seeing his mother. Just like if my DH was not fine with my mother visiting, I would raise an eyebrow.

Your DH should be doing most of the work hosting unless you’re a SAHP.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws live 10 mins away and we see them probably 2x a month for either dinner or brunch. I actually wouldn’t mind if they wanted to see us more but I don’t think they do. They are nice but the relationship is not very deep. They are not the lovey dovey grandparent type. Didn’t want to babysit or even come over to hold the babies very often when my kids were little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s a hard one. I would feel bad if I did something that would prevent my DH from seeing his mother. Just like if my DH was not fine with my mother visiting, I would raise an eyebrow.

Your DH should be doing most of the work hosting unless you’re a SAHP.

Uhhh, lay off the guilt trip

[Anonymous]

Twice a year but we live across the country

[Anonymous]

My parents live 30 min away. We see them every weekend and 1-2 times a month between. I don’t consider us super close, but having them around all the time means that seeing them is just part of our lives - we don’t drop everything and host. My husband often does yard work, house projects, or runs errands when they are around because it’s 2 more adults to hang out with the kids. If a friend comes to play, we let the kids play. My neighbors and kids’ friends all know them. It’s nice because it’s easy. If seeing them was a big deal hosting thing that I had to schedule and make sure both children would be home and engaged in visiting with them, it would drive me crazy. We live our lives and include them and they are welcome to participate in whatever we have going on. If my husband’s parents were not 4-5 hours away, I would welcome a similar relationship with them.

If your MIL is driving you nuts, just step away and let your spouse handle it. My husband has is present for 100% of meals served at our house when my parents are over and 40-50% of the rest of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had my in laws over three weeks ago, saw them last week, will take them out to eat next week for a bday dinner, and now mil wants to “see the kids” tomorrow which means they would come to us bc teens are working and busy so no time to go to them (they are an hour away) it’s too much for me as mil especially is not a kind woman. Dh feels immense guilt and like a shitty son saying no, but I don’t want to always have to think about them and cater to them.

I don’t bend over backward for unkind people—family or not. And, parents who make their kids feel guilty/shitty are typically shitty people so you have my answer.

[Anonymous]

Your DH and kids seeing them once a week is pretty reasonable if they live nearby but it shouldn't involve you every time. He should go visit them, spend some time, eat mom's cooking, take them out for lunch, help out with chores, watch sports etc. If kids are available they can go and may be you can join once every few months.

When they visit your home for GrandSunday, you should be there, treat them with nice lunch and be gracious. This way you don't have to interact too much, yet you aren't keeping DH and the kids from seeing them. You can use free time to do things you enjoy.

[Anonymous]

*Grand Sunday once a month

[Anonymous]

My ILs live in the same town and I see one of them once a week or so. We don’t spend much time with them but they really love my kids and that’s all that matters.

[Anonymous]

Every time they come up with some holiday that requires DH and me to pay for their meal and/or give his deadbeat 50-something money.

[Anonymous]

I realize your MIL wants to see the kids, but their schedule seems busy. Will they be around to visit? Are you expected to make dinner?

[Anonymous]

Less often but mine live across the country (and I am very happy about that).

Is there a reason you need to present for absolutely all of these visits? I don’t see why you can’t personally “be busy” at least 1/3 of the time or so. They can come and see DH and kids but you have a prior commitment with friends, or need to go into the office to catch up on work (spend the time watching Netflix lol).

DH and I both do this sometimes when each other’s relatives are visiting. Better to take the needed break to refresh than have resentment. Note I’m not saying every time. Plus it is the grandkids they really want to see anyway. It’s a win win IMO.

[Anonymous]

Can’t DH and the kids meet them out for lunch/dinner out or something? The grandparents might enjoy that. I don’t see why you need to be present or pressured to host every visit at the house. Sounds like you seem then very often and do plenty already. Say you are taking quiet time to catch up on some work paperwork or household chores etc. and you look forward to seeing them next week.