Disconnect with DH. How to reconnect?

[Anonymous]

Over the summer DH went through a major transition at work and it was a really stressful time full of unknowns. He really leaned on me heavily for emotional support and we were the most connected we’ve been probably ever. He came out on the other side better than ever this past fall, and that was that. But ever since, there’s a disconnect. I can’t tell if he’s pulled back somehow, or if this was how we always were. I miss him leaning on me, I miss our connection. What can I do to get that back?

[Anonymous]

My DH and I struggled over the past year. I had untreated sleep apnea and had been sleep deprived for so long that I turned into a raging lunatic. It was awful for both of us, and it did some damage to my marriage. I have my cpap now and am doing sooooo much better, but the damage to the relationship is done and a slight disconnect remains.

I'm just trying to do everything I can for him, with an emphasis on the little things. If I'm home before he is and see that he is out of the fruit he takes to work every day, I'll go to the store and get it. When he says "Ugh, I don't feel like it, but I'm out of fruit and need to go to the store," I can smile and tell him I got it for him. On weekends I get up earlier than he does and walk the dogs; he had been doing it every morning for a couple of years as I struggled unable to get up in the morning. I'm doing my share of the chores, which I didn't do for a long time, plus more. I'm joining him on the couch to watch tv, even when I'd rather be doing something else. I'm giving a lot of hugs. He works from home on Fridays and if I'm home from work as well I'll go out and get a snack/treat that is one of his favorites and take it down to him. Small things to nurture connection. It is starting to work for sure.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you connection came from working hard together toward a common goal that mattered. I think you need a new joint project.

[Anonymous]

Men are like that. Maybe deep down he is ashamed that he couldn't handle it on his own and how much he leaned on you, so he is pulling away a bit.

Joint crisis management connection cannot be an always ongoing connection - it's just not sustainable and not good for anyone. You need to figure out a different way to connect - that works for normal times when there is no crisis.

More broadly, when we prop up someone so much or become the "savior" it's an attempt to control that person and control their perception of you. These are patterns that come from childhood and how you were programmed to view your own self-worth to your parents. Lots of material for individual therapy...

[Anonymous]

You can recreate a dynamic where you work together towards a goal- take a class like a dance class, or some other class, start a project that you do together, make some sort of goal together like weight loss or running a 5k or something- it doesn’t matter what it is, just do it together.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like this is healthy, in the sense that he's now trying not to lean so much and carry his burdens more on his own. What you want to do is avoid the "codependent" type of relationship. PP's suggestion of a joint project is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Husband here. I hate to be a Neanderthal, but are you jumping his bones? It could be more than that. But sometimes, with us, it's the simple answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband here. I hate to be a Neanderthal, but are you jumping his bones? It could be more than that. But sometimes, with us, it's the simple answer.

+1

Sometimes engaged sex can best express emotional support and love.