Social slump and fear

[Anonymous]

I have been a pretty introverted person my whole life, very happy alone, but always had friends in various phases: from work, then moms from the playground and school, just generally pleasant interactions. Then in my late thirties I had a bad friendship with a person and wider group and became very insecure, I severed that and Covid happened. Now post Covid I have not created any new relationships. My kids are older, I see parents at games, say hi to neighbors...And that's about it. I feel a little freaky not having deep interactions, but I also dread deeper interactions? Not sure if that makes any sense.

[Anonymous]

It makes sense. And it’s hard. And I don’t think you’re alone in how you are feeling.

Practice saying, “I’m realizing that after covid, I’ve really lost some social connection, so I’m trying to do more. Would you ever want to get a cup of coffee or a glass of wine?” Then approach some people who seem nice, and actually ask them. They might be delighted, bc maybe they feel isolated too. If they’re too busy, no worries. Try someone else. Any reasonable person will respect the request and the honesty.

Also, just getting yourself out in the world regularly can create a big energy shift. Some low-pressure ways to do this:

- volunteer. Serve meals. Help at a habitat for humanity site. Help with park clean up. Sign up for a regular shift so you start to see the same people again and again. You may or may not find close friends this way, but it will get you in the habit of being out in the world.

- join a book group, or one of those groups that reads a book aloud together.

- alternatively, show up for one of those quiet silent-reading book events. You show up with a book, then sit with other people and read silently. It is a form of connection, but very low pressure.

- find an open-enrollment performance group. Community theater, or a choir that sings for fun. Nothing brings people together like performing. If you are shy about your stage skills, offer to help in other ways — ushering or something.

Truly. SO MANY PEOPLE feel like you do these days.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like what's happening is you lack the type of activity (work, having little kids) that gives you that kind of social connection. So you need to figure out what it is in this point of your life. Volunteering? Art classes? Pickleball? Whatever you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like what's happening is you lack the type of activity (work, having little kids) that gives you that kind of social connection. So you need to figure out what it is in this point of your life. Volunteering? Art classes? Pickleball? Whatever you want.

I just had to stop volunteering but I was very active for a couple years with it. I did not make friends. I think I was appreciated but people are busy and nobody socialized outside of it. I just don't seem to really connect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like what's happening is you lack the type of activity (work, having little kids) that gives you that kind of social connection. So you need to figure out what it is in this point of your life. Volunteering? Art classes? Pickleball? Whatever you want.

I just had to stop volunteering but I was very active for a couple years with it. I did not make friends. I think I was appreciated but people are busy and nobody socialized outside of it. I just don't seem to really connect.

I think people expect volunteerism to be some magic bullet that strikes open some sort of friendship door. It doesn't necessarily.

Both my DH and I have had little luck in making connections/friends while volunteering. I have made one friend after regularly volunteering with four different organizations over a year. My DH has volunteered with three organizations for a year and has made none. The friend I made was just the luck of the draw - she and I have a lot in common outside of the volunteer activity. That doesn't always happen.

[Anonymous]

I have slightly different circumstances, but can relate. Just know that you aren't strange for experiencing this. Agree that volunteering isn't a magic bullet.

[Anonymous]

I’m 9:06 above. I also don’t think that volunteering is a direct path to friendship. Generally, especially at this age, one forms parasocial relationships through volunteering, not lasting friendship.

But volunteering can help get someone out of a rut, it can boost confidence, it can help connect a person with an identity separate from kids (which can be hard when you’re a parent!), and it can provide a sense of fulfillment and get endorphins going. All of these things will open a bit of space, and will only help when opportunities for real friendships arise.

Real friendships take time, and they’re a huge leap from social isolation. Any connection in the meantime can help.

[Anonymous]

It makes sense to me. I had a good friend betray me and it affected the dynamics of our entire friend group and I never want to go through that again. So I've never bothered to get close to friends again, or be a part of a friend group. I'm older too, so it's harder and I just don't have as much energy for it. But yeah, I often wish I had friends.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard getting back out there after having had your heart broken countless times. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, there are people who are open to friendship.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry that happened, OP. You’re not alone, if that helps.

I’ve been reconnecting with people I had lost touch with. A friend from college. A friend from grad school. A past coworker suggested we meet up. A parent from the elementary years.

As people’s kids get older, they have more time so this may be happening partly due to my stage of life.

That said, the suggestion above to reach out to people is a good one. They will appreciate the honesty, and I used a similar approach.

You also might make sure you are not giving off sad vibes. When I have been grieving a death or friendship, I suspect my sad vibes turned people away. I’ve gone to therapy, processed grief, unwound my anxiety, and did a Positive Intelligence program to deal with hypervigilance. All of that helped me be more peaceful and that seems to be attracting people my way.

[Anonymous]

Friendships are hard post covid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It makes sense. And it’s hard. And I don’t think you’re alone in how you are feeling.

Practice saying, “I’m realizing that after covid, I’ve really lost some social connection, so I’m trying to do more. Would you ever want to get a cup of coffee or a glass of wine?” Then approach some people who seem nice, and actually ask them. They might be delighted, bc maybe they feel isolated too. If they’re too busy, no worries. Try someone else. Any reasonable person will respect the request and the honesty.

Also, just getting yourself out in the world regularly can create a big energy shift. Some low-pressure ways to do this:

- volunteer. Serve meals. Help at a habitat for humanity site. Help with park clean up. Sign up for a regular shift so you start to see the same people again and again. You may or may not find close friends this way, but it will get you in the habit of being out in the world.

- join a book group, or one of those groups that reads a book aloud together.

- alternatively, show up for one of those quiet silent-reading book events. You show up with a book, then sit with other people and read silently. It is a form of connection, but very low pressure.

- find an open-enrollment performance group. Community theater, or a choir that sings for fun. Nothing brings people together like performing. If you are shy about your stage skills, offer to help in other ways — ushering or something.

Truly. SO MANY PEOPLE feel like you do these days.

All of this! I joined a book club in the neighborhood. It started with 3 women after covid, now it's 15 strong and we have dinner and discuss books. We range from 30-80 years old and have entirely different views on so many things. These women are awesome, smart, funny. Only requirement is be a neighbor. I've gotten close to many of them, but I'm in the midst of raising kids so jm less social than some. Some if them now get together for a game night, which I can't join, but maybe someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry that happened, OP. You’re not alone, if that helps.

I’ve been reconnecting with people I had lost touch with. A friend from college. A friend from grad school. A past coworker suggested we meet up. A parent from the elementary years.

As people’s kids get older, they have more time so this may be happening partly due to my stage of life.

That said, the suggestion above to reach out to people is a good one. They will appreciate the honesty, and I used a similar approach.

You also might make sure you are not giving off sad vibes. When I have been grieving a death or friendship, I suspect my sad vibes turned people away. I’ve gone to therapy, processed grief, unwound my anxiety, and did a Positive Intelligence program to deal with hypervigilance. All of that helped me be more peaceful and that seems to be attracting people my way.

I don't think sad vibes so much, because I generally smile and am pleasant and I don't come off sad, but probably "don't want to connect on a deeper level" vibes, because that's how I feel. I am chattier and friendlier in situations like the checkout line or a quick one-time interaction than I am in a social situation at a party or with school parents, because I don't have to worry about the after part or what's next. I have a really hard time getting emotionally invested and it makes me anxious, so my walls are up from that, and from finding it all such an effort. It's clearly a me problem. I can totally see how hypervigilance is an issue with me.