Parent and child texting in front of partner while eating dinner

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02/11/2024 09:44

Subject: Parent and child texting in front of partner while eating dinner

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Anonymous

I’d love to get some input about how others would handle this situation. My long term partner has a college-age daughter who is frequently present and has significant anxiety. We frequently share meals with her.

About 18 months ago, I realized that the two of them were often texting one another, having their own conversations, while the three of us were eating meals together. We would be having a conversation at the table while the two of them were having their own conversation via text at the same time. They would actively pretend that this side conversation wasn’t happening to hide it from me.

He explained later that sometimes these were about random things like wanting to get ice cream after dinner or funny things she wanted to share with him. Many times it was about her anxiety that she wanted to share with him for support, but didn’t want me to hear because she felt embarrassed.

By the time I figured out that this was happening, he and I had been together for a very long time, years, and she and I had an otherwise good relationship so it was hurtful and confusing to me. I understand that she wants to say private things to her dad but can’t it wait until after we are done eating? I want to say private things to him too and I would never dream of carrying on a private conversation in front of her. It made me feel so uncomfortable and like a third wheel. I eventually said that I would not continue eating meals with them if they were going to have these side conversations via text.

After what I would call a pretty significant conflict about this situation, he promised me that it would never happen again. This was a year and a half ago and it didn’t seem to happen for a while. Over the last 9 months I would say more and more I suspected it was happening but I reminded myself he promised it would not, and we had some very serious conversations about it at the time so I chose to believe that he had been truthful. I never asked about it when I suspected it was happening and tried to just tell myself I was imagining things.

Last night at dinner, he verbally responded to something she’d texted him about and then it came out that she had been having an anxiety attack at the dinner table and had been texting between themselves for quite a while. Meanwhile I had no clue any of this was happening and felt like an idiot having been trying to maintain a conversation with two people who were otherwise occupied with a conversation of their own. Then it came out that they have continued having these private text conversations at meals for quite some time even though he told me they weren’t. He claimed he assumed I was aware and had grown to be ok with it.

Meanwhile I feel hurt and gaslit - I have been telling myself this hasn’t been happening the entire time even when I suspected it was, because I chose to believe him. I didn’t want to ask because I didn’t want to nag about it or seem crazy.

Wondering what other people would do in this circumstance. I am very upset, both because of what’s happening and how rude I feel it is, but also that he’s been dishonest about it for a long time. Is the appropriate thing to do to just stop eating with the two of them again? This feels crazy to me and I don’t know how to navigate it.