Parent and child texting in front of partner while eating dinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP him doing it secretly is a consequence of you violating his boundaries. You have zero right to dictate how he communicates with his child, absolutely zero.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No phones at the table for anyone. While eating.

This.

I wouldn’t eat a meal with anyone who couldn’t put their phone away for that amount of time. How long is dinner anyway - a half hour? An hour at most?

People are so disrespectful to one another in the age of digital devices.

[Anonymous]

I'm a stepmom.

It's incredibly rude behavior. But this is not a hill to die on. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a stepmom.

It's incredibly rude behavior. But this is not a hill to die on. Move on.

Me again. Also - I think the way to address this is for you and your husband to agree the two of you will not use phones at the table. You can't tell her not to. But you could try to get your husband to agree. Then he can't text him at dinner.

[Anonymous]

2 people texting each other at dinner when they are sitting across from each other is NUTS! This is not a technology issue, this sounds like a man who lets his daughter do what she wants. She needs to be his first priority. Only you can decide if you can live with being in second place.

[Anonymous]

Totally rude. Dad sounds awful and daughter is a loser. Ditch them both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step mom throws down the unwanted rules for grown adults . Good advice

Her real takeaway is her boyfriend is a lousy father and the daughter picked up the same lousy bad habits.

Furthermore, them blaming anxiety or other BS is also a huge flag that he never taught taking responsibility for one’s own behavior and decisions.

Id tap out of the relationship; he’s a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I graduated college a long time ago.
I would laugh in your face if you told me to put my phone down. Then I would resent you for your petty control issues

Wow.

Are you an addict or just that important?

lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I graduated college a long time ago.
I would laugh in your face if you told me to put my phone down. Then I would resent you for your petty control issues

No worries, we’d never cross paths.
Go enjoy your screen time meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is rude.
Anxiety is not a reason to be rude.
Yes you read that right the era of anxiety being used to excuse poor social behavior is over. New treatment models do not encourage It or avoiding triggers because it doesn't work out in the long term.

But you're also not likely to get them to change, do move on

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of etiquette police on this thread who put rules over relationships.

This is a dad-daughter thing that is harmless.
Two adult family members chatting using modern tech: that’s all. Two adults exercising free will

Is this the troll sock puppet riling everyone up with goofy responses

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would just eat on my own or bring a book to the table.

This sounds miserable.

Just make your own dinner separately and let them do their own thing. Who has time for this? Or if you want to be funny text him that you’re having a panic attack about eating together in the middle of dinner. “Are you mad at me?” “Is your daughter mad at me?” Make it into a game and see how long he can keep up a conversation with you, with her and eat his dinner.

But seriously, if the relationship is otherwise good, I would make dinner for myself, plate it and go eat in the dining room with a good book (or show.)

[Anonymous]

So she's an adult. The behavior is rude but you can't control what adults do.

It sounds like he is a supportive parent. Why are you so controlling? I have a feeling you insist that everyone eat together and this leads to the anxiety and they chat separately to help. Her father seems to be trying to appease both of you.

I don't think this is the hill to die on. Stop eating together (it's not like she is a child). You and your boyfriend should just eat without phones and let her join you if she wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a stepmom. It's incredibly rude behavior. But this is not a hill to die on. Move on.

I'm also a stepmom, whose step kids live with me full time and have since they were single-digit ages, and I absolutely will die on this hill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d love to get some input about how others would handle this situation. My long term partner has a college-age daughter who is frequently present and has significant anxiety. We frequently share meals with her.

About 18 months ago, I realized that the two of them were often texting one another, having their own conversations, while the three of us were eating meals together. We would be having a conversation at the table while the two of them were having their own conversation via text at the same time. They would actively pretend that this side conversation wasn’t happening to hide it from me.

He explained later that sometimes these were about random things like wanting to get ice cream after dinner or funny things she wanted to share with him. Many times it was about her anxiety that she wanted to share with him for support, but didn’t want me to hear because she felt embarrassed.

By the time I figured out that this was happening, he and I had been together for a very long time, years, and she and I had an otherwise good relationship so it was hurtful and confusing to me. I understand that she wants to say private things to her dad but can’t it wait until after we are done eating? I want to say private things to him too and I would never dream of carrying on a private conversation in front of her. It made me feel so uncomfortable and like a third wheel. I eventually said that I would not continue eating meals with them if they were going to have these side conversations via text.

After what I would call a pretty significant conflict about this situation, he promised me that it would never happen again. This was a year and a half ago and it didn’t seem to happen for a while. Over the last 9 months I would say more and more I suspected it was happening but I reminded myself he promised it would not, and we had some very serious conversations about it at the time so I chose to believe that he had been truthful. I never asked about it when I suspected it was happening and tried to just tell myself I was imagining things.

Last night at dinner, he verbally responded to something she’d texted him about and then it came out that she had been having an anxiety attack at the dinner table and had been texting between themselves for quite a while. Meanwhile I had no clue any of this was happening and felt like an idiot having been trying to maintain a conversation with two people who were otherwise occupied with a conversation of their own. Then it came out that they have continued having these private text conversations at meals for quite some time even though he told me they weren’t. He claimed he assumed I was aware and had grown to be ok with it.

Meanwhile I feel hurt and gaslit - I have been telling myself this hasn’t been happening the entire time even when I suspected it was, because I chose to believe him. I didn’t want to ask because I didn’t want to nag about it or seem crazy.

Wondering what other people would do in this circumstance. I am very upset, both because of what’s happening and how rude I feel it is, but also that he’s been dishonest about it for a long time. Is the appropriate thing to do to just stop eating with the two of them again? This feels crazy to me and I don’t know how to navigate it.

The solution is easy and obvious - no phones at the dinner table. Your partner should agree and be the one to suggest it/first one to leave his phone elsewhere at dinner time.

I he can't or won't I'd limit "family" meals with him.