High schooler, no friends
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Anonymous
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I have a hs freshman who has no friends. None, zero. Never has kids over, hasn’t in a couple years. He was doing some social activities with a group of kids last year, but became an outsider and gave up on the kids towards the end of the school year. I think he wants friends but he isn’t communicating any effort to make any. We talk about it but usually he shuts down the conversation. He uses Snapchat and sends messages with kids from school, but nothing of substance. He has what I’d call friendly associations from a travel sport he’s involved in but most of those kids live in other towns. He also seems to have friends from sleepover camp (kids in other states). So if he has enough social skills to hang with these kids, why not kids from school?
Anyone with similar or related experiences? I mostly want him to be happy and his weekends tend to be pretty lonely. |
Anonymous
| Hugs. My 10 year old is like this. It hurts to see him have nobody. I’m not clear if he doesn’t want anyone or wants friends and doesn’t know how to make them. He’s a quiet guy. He loves his family intensely and is a joy in many ways. I keep signing him up for activities in the hopes he finds someone, someday. |
Anonymous
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Does he have friends at school? Kids he sits with at lunch etc? Is he unhappy? Getting picked on or teased/disliked?
At a glance, he sounds somewhat like my freshman DS - has a regular group he sits with at lunch and always has someone to sit next to and or/chat with in class, is reasonably well liked and isn’t unhappy or picked on etc. Texts and plays video games with some of those friends but doesn’t do much with them in person (once in awhile he does). Plays a sport and seems happy with his sports friends while AT his sport- is clearly reasonably well liked but does not see any of them outside of the sport. Mine is kind of an introvert and just doesn’t seem super interested in making close friends, for whatever reason. Seems very happy and doing well in school. Just a quieter kid who wants to relax on the weekends mostly. I kind of hope things change over time but haven’t pushed. I do worry about it sometimes. |
Anonymous
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OP here, I don’t think he has friends at school. He says he sits alone at lunch. I’ve picked him up before after school and he sometimes is talking other kids.
He used to play video games with other kids, but when he stopped hanging with that one social circle he started playing alone. I think my kid might be an introvert but he still (I believe) wants friends. He enjoys spending time with our family especially with his younger sibling (who has plenty of friends). Such a puzzle. He isn’t interested in counseling and when we’ve sent him in the past he just tells them whatever they want to hear to move the conversation. Additionally in typical teen fashion he doesn’t think any advice we have is useful because “things are different”. |
Anonymous
| He may just not have the skills to make friends. Lots of introverts have to be taught if they don’t get picked up by an extroverted bestie. |
Anonymous
| Does he play any instrument? Marching band is great for oddball kids. |
Anonymous
| I had to look at the date stamp on this post because I thought I had written it a while back. Yes, 10th grader, same situation. Not into robotics, theater or music, which is what most people here suggest when kids have these kinds of issues. Has "friends" in school and through his sports but nothing outside of school. No video games, no texting, nothing. It sucks and I have suggested he reach out to other kids but it goes nowhere. I wish he was into things like robotics or music or theater because then it seems like there would be activities to try. He plays sports on the HS teams, hangs out with the kids during practice and games but nothing has translated over. He and I are sitting here on a Friday night watching a movie and will do the same tomorrow night. |
Anonymous
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Op, whatever you do, don't portray this to him as him not having any friends! He may think these acquaintances are friends
The cruelest thing would be for you to nail-this-down - that he has NO friends. Encourage more, encourage more interactions without ever making him feel you think something is wrong (with him or his life) |
Anonymous
| My 16 yo does not hang out with any kids outside of school ever. If you ask him, he has lots of friends. They are the ones he’s always talking to online over the computer. It’s voice while they play a video game or do whatever on the computer. It’s stressful for me. It doesn’t seem to be for him. We try to encourage him to get out or do something with kids IRL but he seems very content with his online social life and socializing in person with the family. |
Anonymous
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Are you sure? My kid only hangs out with other kids online. They rarely see each other in person.
Is he in any activities? I'd get him to try some stuff - wrestling, scouts, etc. |
Anonymous
Even though I think in person is better, assuming he has these online talk sessions with classmates or at least consistent online friends and not just random ppl, this is less concerning socially. |
Anonymous
This. You don’t want to make him feel bad or self conscious about his situation. He may not be as unhappy as you think. I think he needs band or some sort of club the requires lots of time spent with the other members. Friends by association. Could build over time. Is he interested in xc? Could start that in pre season before school next fall? Usually a social and generally kind group. Ask when it starts now so you can plan ahead. Also, maybe something like HSTV or radio or whatever. If not band. Crew is a tight bunch, if your school has it and it is a lot of time together. I would suggest bringing this up a getting involved in the community type thing rather than “making friends”. Be positive about what is going well. |
Anonymous
You are quoting me. I understand that and I am happy he has a group he consistently talks to. His computer friends are all kids he hasn’t met and scattered across the country. These are the only people he considers his friends and at least we’ve verified they are actually teens. |
Anonymous
| Leave him alone! |
Anonymous
This is us as well! DS is friendly enough and can talk to any kid but doesn't hang out with any one. We were concerned about it but let him be as he would hang out with his friends from online. We were pleasantly surprised when a whole bunch of these kids would ask their parents to drive 100s of miles to visit DS and were genuinely thrilled to hang out with him when they would meet up at in-person events and hang out the whole day. |