Kids telling me all their negative stuff

[Anonymous]

Do your kids unburden their worries and issues on you? My kids both do this constantly: anything from a bad grade to little friend drama to any small problem that needs solving. It can be a missing calculator charger at 11pm, a text about who has the car keys (they both drive the same car), complaining about how much schoolwork they have, help with said schoolwork...None of it in isolation is bad, but it feels absolutely constant and like I am both sound board and problem solver at all times. I thought in teen years it would get easier but it has gotten much worse.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I had kind of an epiphany about this recently, where I was feeling annoyed by all the complaining, and then realized that I'm just her safe place to put all her complaining about school, friends, etc. Thinking about it this way helps me detach -- she just needs a listening ear and validation.

But 99.9% of the time, I do NOT problem solve. If she asks me explicitly what to do about a situation, I will talk through it with her and see if I can support her in finding a solution. But most of the stuff she complains about, I don't even attempt to solve. Homework a chore? Yeah, I get that -- I felt that way at your age. Friends being annoying? Ugh, that does sound annoying. Frustrated about being stuck in the chorus in the school play? That is disappointing, I can see how much you wanted the lead. And so on.

I don't actually think she wants me to solve these problems. Most of the time I think she just needs to express a negative feeling and needs a safe place to do it. Sometimes I think talking about it helps her figure out it's not that bad or that she needs to do X or Y (without my input). It's really the very rare issue where she actually wants mom's input.

[Anonymous]

Teens are like toddlers. If they have to put on a good face all day, they melt where they are most comfortable.

Be sympathetic but give them resources to problem solve on their own.

A lot of times they just need someone to vent to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I had kind of an epiphany about this recently, where I was feeling annoyed by all the complaining, and then realized that I'm just her safe place to put all her complaining about school, friends, etc. Thinking about it this way helps me detach -- she just needs a listening ear and validation.

But 99.9% of the time, I do NOT problem solve. If she asks me explicitly what to do about a situation, I will talk through it with her and see if I can support her in finding a solution. But most of the stuff she complains about, I don't even attempt to solve. Homework a chore? Yeah, I get that -- I felt that way at your age. Friends being annoying? Ugh, that does sound annoying. Frustrated about being stuck in the chorus in the school play? That is disappointing, I can see how much you wanted the lead. And so on.

I don't actually think she wants me to solve these problems. Most of the time I think she just needs to express a negative feeling and needs a safe place to do it. Sometimes I think talking about it helps her figure out it's not that bad or that she needs to do X or Y (without my input). It's really the very rare issue where she actually wants mom's input.

I do try to not solve. Some things I feel like I have to though, like the stupid calculator. DD would still be looking for it and not have it for her test. It's all very aggravating to me whether i solve or not hearing all the negativity, and sometimes the problems do worry me if they don't annoy me.

[Anonymous]

I had this conversation with my daughter yesterday! I picked her up and she spewed negative things the entire ride home, then the entire walk to her EC, and then started up again on the way home. I finally said, did anything at all good happen to you today because you’ve spent 50 minutes telling me nothing but negative things. I couldn’t take it anymore, it was mentally exhausting for me at that point after working all day, dealing with the pick ups and drop offs and shuttling go two kids. Plus, none of it was anything that had any solutions! Math was boring, gym had stupid games, the weather is awful because irs cold in the morning and too warm later on, on and on and on.

[Anonymous]

I’ve really had it, I’m now emotionally drained. I get texts from her daily that she can’t handle it anymore- figuratively, not litterally. I told my daughter to finally ‘suck it up buttercup,” because she chose to be with a certain group of girls when there are so many other “healthier” kids to hang out with. If she doesn’t get a grip and better grades. I will change schools with heavy duty uniforms and rules to follow-
In meanwhile I told her I’m having a melt down about her and her brother’s bad grades. We go to private school, I’m sick of paying $$ fir what?

[Anonymous]

Try this line: “tell it to somebody who cares.”

[Anonymous]

How is this bad?

[Anonymous]

wow maybe i'm in the minority here but I love it when my kids tells me bad things. Most of her bad things are really NBD but I just listen and validate. I want her to come to me when it's a really bad thing, and she needs my help. I want that door to be open for her.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and I hate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wow maybe i'm in the minority here but I love it when my kids tells me bad things. Most of her bad things are really NBD but I just listen and validate. I want her to come to me when it's a really bad thing, and she needs my help. I want that door to be open for her.

Me too! My kid doesn't talk to me like this

[Anonymous]

I am a safe place for my child. And my spouse. And my friends.

I would help my spouse find a charging cable at 11pm. I would help my kid. I would want help.

Have some grace

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try this line: “tell it to somebody who cares.”

To your own kid?!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try this line: “tell it to somebody who cares.”

You're a monster.

[Anonymous]

Yes, because they either need a sympathetic ear to listen to them, or some help processing all that is going on. They are young and don't understand how to deal with everything yet.

It's better than assuming your parents don't care, so you don't talk to them, like I did..l