Sexual abuse talk

[Anonymous]

I had the sexual abuse talk with our kids tonight and just wondering if I handled it right. One kid is upper elem and the other in lower middle. I think it went fairly well but could use an outside perspective.

I was pretty frank and direct. I started off with talking about trusted adults. How it was important to have a circle of trusted adults that you can go to if you need anything. That DH and I hope to be the first ones they would come and talk to if they needed anything, but that I would hope that they can also rely on a wider circle of trusted adults.

Then I said there was everyone else, who can also help in times of need, but may not be the best or first choices as to who to turn to. Then I talked about the rare people who have bad intentions. And it can be tricky to spot them because they try to gain your trust first. I talked about signs to look out for. And if they ever had a weird feeling, even if it could be nothing, to just come and talk to me or DH about it. Bur that sometimes for a lot of kids, it can get to a point where they don't feel comfortable talking to their parents about it because they feel bad about it, feel ashamed, or because they don't want to get in trouble or get anyone else in trouble.

Then I got explicit, because I don't think they really understood what I was getting at. Basically, if they try to touch or take pictures of your privates, or get them to touch theirs, that's not ok. Some good questions from our younger one, which we talked about. Why is it wrong to do that? Why would they even want to do that? How about when the doctor touches me?

I talked about the likelihood of it happening .My lower middle school child was skeptical. I shared statistics. 1 in 9 girls and 1 in 20 boys are sexually abused by the age of 18.

Anything I missed? Was I too direct? Or was it necessary?

[Anonymous]

Sounds fine.

I think a lot of parents have this type of talk when their kids are like 4.

[Anonymous]

Uh, it's not the way I've done it, but there are lots of different approaches. Mine is, more like adults should never ask you to keep any secrets, and if they do run home and tell us right away. Adults should never ask kids to touch them in a way that makes the kid uncomfortable or confused. And then we talked about specifics. Picking up something an old person dropped? Fine. Brushing Great-Grandma's hair? Also fine. Your friend's dad offering to help you change into your bikini at the beach? Not fine. Cuddling with cousins during a sleepover? Fine. Cuddling naked? Not fine.

[Anonymous]

As described, you talked too long and you waited WAY too long.

Why haven’t you had this conversation before now?

[Anonymous]

Besides waiting a few years too long, and NOT specifying the kind of things that aren’t okay. I.e. adults touching/pictures/pressuring. And instead (atleast by the way you explained here) making it sound as though ALL sexual exploration—even amongst same age and consenting peers who are curious—is bad. You did an.. okay job I guess.

i’d rate 4/10.

Minus 2 for taking so long and minus 4 for (what I assume was generalization of how anything to do with private parts is bad unless you’re alone?…)

I could be misunderstanding about the latter, but from personal experience of discussion amongst parents i’m assuming you were like most making it black-and-white

(which IMO isn’t a good thing, especially if this is first mentioned after introduction into elementary because consenting exploration amongst same age peers/playing “doctor” kind of stuff is normal and shouldn’t be something that makes your kids feel shame.. are they now ruminating about the time they compared privates with their BFF Larlo and thinking they did something bad/Larlo did something bad?...)

I could be totally off base though, and maybe the entire conversation was about adults, in which case I’d rate 6/10 with the only issue being this conversation happened for the first time much too late. (Should be on-going starting early with different terminology and advice as kids get older)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Besides waiting a few years too long, and NOT specifying the kind of things that aren’t okay. I.e. adults touching/pictures/pressuring. And instead (atleast by the way you explained here) making it sound as though ALL sexual exploration—even amongst same age and consenting peers who are curious—is bad. You did an.. okay job I guess.

i’d rate 4/10.

Minus 2 for taking so long and minus 4 for (what I assume was generalization of how anything to do with private parts is bad unless you’re alone?…)

I could be misunderstanding about the latter, but from personal experience of discussion amongst parents i’m assuming you were like most making it black-and-white

(which IMO isn’t a good thing, especially if this is first mentioned after introduction into elementary because consenting exploration amongst same age peers/playing “doctor” kind of stuff is normal and shouldn’t be something that makes your kids feel shame.. are they now ruminating about the time they compared privates with their BFF Larlo and thinking they did something bad/Larlo did something bad?...)

I could be totally off base though, and maybe the entire conversation was about adults, in which case I’d rate 6/10 with the only issue being this conversation happened for the first time much too late. (Should be on-going starting early with different terminology and advice as kids get older)

I meant -4 for the amount of time taken to have conversation. Sorry, it’s late so my math is not the best.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the feedback.

I have had past talks with our kids over the years about personal safety, but have never described real examples or specific details. But it was very sporadic - maybe once every year or two. J have talked to them more generally, like safe and unsafe people, not keeping secrets, about what to do if someone makes them feel uncomfortable or weird, and about how their private parts should not be shown or touched by other adults.

And I have already talked to the about where babies come from, and about sex.

As for yesterday's convo - yes, I was specific that I was only talking about things happening between and adult and child. I did talk about adults showing inappropriate pictures or videos, and about the different ways adults might coerce a child to touch them, or be touched, etc. And how it was ok if it was between two consenting adults, but not between an adult or child.

Interestingly, in all their innocence, especially the younger one, they couldn't understand why it was ok in some contexts, but not ok when it was between an adult and child. And I don't think I gave a sufficient explanation of the why - just that it was never ok between and adult and child.

[Anonymous]

Since your oldest is in middle school you need to talk about adults sending inappropriate pictures to kids or talking kids into sending inappropriate pictures to adults. Or adults asking inappropriate questions via text or sharing inappropriate information, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since your oldest is in middle school you need to talk about adults sending inappropriate pictures to kids or talking kids into sending inappropriate pictures to adults. Or adults asking inappropriate questions via text or sharing inappropriate information, etc.

Thanks for the reminder. I’ll have to talk about that one a bit more.
Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds fine.

I think a lot of parents have this type of talk when their kids are like 4.

Agree. I think you are way too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds fine.

I think a lot of parents have this type of talk when their kids are like 4.

Agree. I think you are way too late.

What matters is OP is having the conversation. It’s never too late to have these conversations.

[Anonymous]

Also tell them that any adult who buys/gives alcohol or drugs for tweens/teens is a potential predator. Getting a child to participate in something bad or against the rules goes along with grooming.

No sleepovers at houses with a single mom that has random boyfriends in and out or sleeping over

Review the sex offender registry frequently to look for relatives of your child's peers, neighbors, or any one else your child may come into contact with. Keep away from those people.

No going over to houses where porn channels are unlocked on the cable.

No accepting offers from adults to look at porn.

[Anonymous]

I taught mine correct anatomical terms for his genitals, told him nobody other than a doctor is allowed to touch them. Told him somebody may lie and said we are ok with it. If anybody touches them he is to tell us immediately. If anybody grabs him to fight back and scream for help. He asked why somebody would touch him, I told him its like drinking beer, it's only for adults. He will understand more when he gets older. An adult should never do it with a kid. I told him when he uses the change room, if somebody shows his penis on purpose that is not ok but somebody might show it on accident while changing. I bring the topic up whenever it naturally comes up. The most recent time his younger (toddler) brother was amusing himself trying to grab his penis. I told him his brother is a baby and doesn't know what he's doing, but an adult should never do that.

I strongly disagree with the concept of teaching consent. I don't want some pervert bribing him with candy or somehow grooming him and gaining his trust, and him thinking it was ok because of consent. I think kids should be taught to actively resist.

I don't care for your circle of trust concept. It needs to be really concrete at a young age. Parents and the family doctor. The most likely person to molest a kid is the mother's boyfriend, a cousin, an uncle, a teacher, somebody known to the child. Its not uncommon for kids to sexually abuse each other and not fully understand what is going on.

[Anonymous]

There are older kids who may molest a younger kid. I would absolutely make clear that anyone asking to see your private parts, look at theirs, touch, etc is not ok and they need to tell you right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I taught mine correct anatomical terms for his genitals, told him nobody other than a doctor is allowed to touch them. Told him somebody may lie and said we are ok with it. If anybody touches them he is to tell us immediately. If anybody grabs him to fight back and scream for help. He asked why somebody would touch him, I told him its like drinking beer, it's only for adults. He will understand more when he gets older. An adult should never do it with a kid. I told him when he uses the change room, if somebody shows his penis on purpose that is not ok but somebody might show it on accident while changing. I bring the topic up whenever it naturally comes up. The most recent time his younger (toddler) brother was amusing himself trying to grab his penis. I told him his brother is a baby and doesn't know what he's doing, but an adult should never do that.

I strongly disagree with the concept of teaching consent. I don't want some pervert bribing him with candy or somehow grooming him and gaining his trust, and him thinking it was ok because of consent. I think kids should be taught to actively resist.

I don't care for your circle of trust concept. It needs to be really concrete at a young age. Parents and the family doctor. The most likely person to molest a kid is the mother's boyfriend, a cousin, an uncle, a teacher, somebody known to the child. Its not uncommon for kids to sexually abuse each other and not fully understand what is going on.

Yes, stepfather or mother’s male partner is most likely to molest a kid but 2nd most likely is another close male relative (father, uncle, brother, cousin—sibling sexual abuse is incredibly common unfortunately). Teachers are statistically not very likely to molest kids. It’s almost always someone in the family or a close family friend.