My wife had an affair, but I’m staying with her.

[Anonymous]

In a long term marriage where things got routine combined with family stress. My wife had an affair with someone out of town.

I’ve decided to forgive her and stay together. But I’m going to have a few flings in order to allow me to move forward and reduce the pain.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

[Anonymous]

That will not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That will not work.

NP. Not everyone's relationship is the same. This is a generalization.

[Anonymous]

Stupid. If you're not a troll, go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

With who? Middle aged married dads are not in high demand.

[Anonymous]

DCUM wants everyone to divorce at the slightest hint of trouble, and is particularly exercised over adultery. Apparently an adulterer is worse than a serial killer on here.

I think a lot of affairs are survivable. It will take many years to work through, of course. Time is a great healer. Right now, take care of yourself, your kids, and put one step in front of the other. Say as little as possible to friends and relatives, because one day you might regret the details you told them. This might be a good time to consult a therapist, by yourself, to process your feelings. In my experience, couples therapy doesn't work. Individual therapy can work, however.

I'm very sorry, OP. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

If you dont have kids you should dump her.

Even if you have kids you should probably dump her.

Your proposed solution OP is bound to create more chaos and resentment.

[Anonymous]

Just be sure that the flings will make you feel better and not worse, and I wouldn't hide them from her. Especially not if you're still intimate. Sorry you're going through this. You probably should go to a forum on reddit specifically about affairs.

[Anonymous]

I have no problem with staying in a marriage after an affair - that’s probably what I would do in a lot of situations.

But having a revenge affair doesn’t make any sense. I don’t think that will help you move forward or reduce pain. I mean if you’ve communicated about it and you think it will help I guess go for it. But I wouldn’t bet on it as a strategy for your stated goals.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a guy, so I don't know if having a few flings to reduce the pain will work. I will say stepping outside your relationship is about you - it's a choice you make. Sure, your partner made that choice, and it may be difficult to move forward. It is a long process to reconciliation, and includes the unfaithful partner being honest and open and then working together to move forward. Making the choice, yourself, to be unfaithful is a choice you are making. Is that the kind of person you are or want to be? I'd really think about my motivations and what that says about what you want and what type of person you want to be.

[Anonymous]

You either have to forgive her or leave. Do not have a revenge fling. It will only make things worse. Have some dignity and self-respect. If you cannot forgive her, that is perfectly okay, but get a divorce and move on with your life. If you think you can forgive, great! Then do it, truly and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a long term marriage where things got routine combined with family stress. My wife had an affair with someone out of town.

I’ve decided to forgive her and stay together. But I’m going to have a few flings in order to allow me to move forward and reduce the pain.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Are you going to have an open marriage? Are you going to tell your wife about the flings? I can see how flings would be fun and exciting and ego boosting, but I don’t see how they’ll reduce the pain of your wife sleeping with someone else.

It doesn’t sound like you’re choosing to stay with your wife; it sounds like you’re just deciding not to get divorced, which is fine if you’re both on board.

[Anonymous]

OP be careful. When it comes to persuasion women have a distinct advantage. She will show *fake* remorse to lure you in. And you will fall right into trap. You need to do serious sole searching. While her cheating is not a reflection of you, you need to figure out what is it about YOU that made this woman cheat on you. Clearly she felt nothing could stop her. Clearly she does not respect you. So my advice to you as a man is to think deeper. For instance, ask her if you were the one who cheated how would she have reacted. You will be surprised by her answers. And chances are she will make it about you and not her.

[Anonymous]

PP^ *soul*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP be careful. When it comes to persuasion women have a distinct advantage. She will show *fake* remorse to lure you in. And you will fall right into trap. You need to do serious sole searching. While her cheating is not a reflection of you, you need to figure out what is it about YOU that made this woman cheat on you. Clearly she felt nothing could stop her. Clearly she does not respect you. So my advice to you as a man is to think deeper. For instance, ask her if you were the one who cheated how would she have reacted. You will be surprised by her answers. And chances are she will make it about you and not her.

You seem to be contradicting yourself there. OP didn’t cause his wife to cheat. Maybe he could be a better partner, but being a cheater is 100% on her.