Should I not date?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been dating with the hope of marriage. But recently I’ve been feeling like dating is a pain. I’ve become content with being single. I enjoy my family and friends and don’t want children. I kinda hit it off with a guy, but I’m starting to resent some of the expectations of dating. I don’t want to tell anyone where I’ve been and where I’m going or have to communicate daily or be expected to fulfill their sexual needs. I’m actually kinda shocked that I’ve grown to feel this way because for so long I was dying to be a wife. Does this mean I should stop dating?

[Anonymous]

What about YOUR sexual needs? That would be part of the decision for most people.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Time to take a break. Or just have a FB or FWB.

[Anonymous]

How old are you? The fact you don’t want children takes a lot of pressure off. Agree with taking a break. I do think as friends settle down, have kids they may not be as available to hang out as much so would be nice to have a significant other.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have not met the right guy. But if this happens even when you feel a real connection, then yeah - maybe take a break.

[Anonymous]

Yep, sounds like you’ve discovered you’re not interested in a typical relationship, much less marriage. Congrats on figuring it out before it was too late! You get to spend the rest of your life doing what you want!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Time to take a break. Or just have a FB or FWB.

What is an FB vs an FWB (friend with benefits)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Time to take a break. Or just have a FB or FWB.

What is an FB vs an FWB (friend with benefits)?

F-buddy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, sounds like you’ve discovered you’re not interested in a typical relationship, much less marriage. Congrats on figuring it out before it was too late! You get to spend the rest of your life doing what you want!

Better than being divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been dating with the hope of marriage. But recently I’ve been feeling like dating is a pain. I’ve become content with being single. I enjoy my family and friends and don’t want children. I kinda hit it off with a guy, but I’m starting to resent some of the expectations of dating. I don’t want to tell anyone where I’ve been and where I’m going or have to communicate daily or be expected to fulfill their sexual needs. I’m actually kinda shocked that I’ve grown to feel this way because for so long I was dying to be a wife. Does this mean I should stop dating?

Stop dating with the exception of marriage. This is often the wrong view for many women and why many women are single by mid-late 30s onward.

You don't date the men you think you will marry. You date to get to know someone and be in a relationship with them. If that relationship leads to marriage then it leads to marriage. You can't force a relationship to marriage, those always fail or both spouses are unhappy.

Date with the goal of being with someone in a relationship. No one knows if a relationship will lead to marriage, but if that's the only goal you will never be happy because you will have missed out so many men who would have been great husbands and had you very happy...all because you didn't give them the chance by being in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

I stopped dating 13 years ago.

At first it was just I was too busy with a high stress demanding professional position and my last relationship had really put a nasty taste in my mouth about men. I'd dated a guy I was drawn to solely because he was a single father and I was at the closing door of fertility but had always yearned to be a mom. I quickly realized that he was going to control the manner of parenting while also expecting me to do all the crappy disciplinary and character shaping bits while he got all the credit for being easygoing fun playmate dad. And his ex was already prompting the "you're not my mom" messaging in the kids, despite playing nice to my face. No thanks!

The last decade I spent a bit of time grappling with serious health issues for which my doctors could not find any answers. I got really unfit and put on a bunch of weight. Dating was the furthest thing from my mind and I honestly felt no sadness about that. Now I'm in the reversing process and getting healthier every day but I still have no interest in envisioning a future that involves finding a man and building my life around his.

I hope to have another couple of decades of good health ahead of me (I'm 53), and I'm looking forward to embracing that time free of all the demands that have compelled me in the past, including all the relationship stuff. I'm very comfortable in my own skin, I enjoy my own company and I live with a collie dog so folks who know what that means - I already have my 'person' velcroed to me lol.

I want my home, however modest it might be, to always be a true refuge from the world. I want to always live in peace in my space - not to ever be subject to a domestic tyrant whether he rules by physical intimidation or emotional manipulation. I don't even want to walk on eggshells again - I grew up that way and in my years of dating and relationships I saw it far too often in my own partners and in the partners of friends and family. People you'd never suspect would reveal that kind of personality from under their mask, but do.

Life's too short to walk that path too many times. I can manage on my own, I have friends and family I care about to keep me socially connected when I need it, but as an anxious introvert I really like to cultivate a lot of solitude anyway. I pleasure myself when the urge arises, but in menopause that's not the burning desire it once was which has made the tolerance for BS go way down. I recognize myself as a biological being who was compelled for many years by a reproductive drive that no longer compels at all. I can be free of all that BS, and I am happy to be!

No more dating. Try it for a while and see how you like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been dating with the hope of marriage. But recently I’ve been feeling like dating is a pain. I’ve become content with being single. I enjoy my family and friends and don’t want children. I kinda hit it off with a guy, but I’m starting to resent some of the expectations of dating. I don’t want to tell anyone where I’ve been and where I’m going or have to communicate daily or be expected to fulfill their sexual needs. I’m actually kinda shocked that I’ve grown to feel this way because for so long I was dying to be a wife. Does this mean I should stop dating?

Dating is a scam, as is marriage. They're institutions that favor a certain kind of man, who wants something most reasonable people aren't willing to give (i.e. another human's subservience).

Live your own life. Allow people you enjoy to share it. Let them come and go; no future-planning or expectations. It's so much nicer that way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stopped dating 13 years ago.

At first it was just I was too busy with a high stress demanding professional position and my last relationship had really put a nasty taste in my mouth about men. I'd dated a guy I was drawn to solely because he was a single father and I was at the closing door of fertility but had always yearned to be a mom. I quickly realized that he was going to control the manner of parenting while also expecting me to do all the crappy disciplinary and character shaping bits while he got all the credit for being easygoing fun playmate dad. And his ex was already prompting the "you're not my mom" messaging in the kids, despite playing nice to my face. No thanks!

The last decade I spent a bit of time grappling with serious health issues for which my doctors could not find any answers. I got really unfit and put on a bunch of weight. Dating was the furthest thing from my mind and I honestly felt no sadness about that. Now I'm in the reversing process and getting healthier every day but I still have no interest in envisioning a future that involves finding a man and building my life around his.

I hope to have another couple of decades of good health ahead of me (I'm 53), and I'm looking forward to embracing that time free of all the demands that have compelled me in the past, including all the relationship stuff. I'm very comfortable in my own skin, I enjoy my own company and I live with a collie dog so folks who know what that means - I already have my 'person' velcroed to me lol.

I want my home, however modest it might be, to always be a true refuge from the world. I want to always live in peace in my space - not to ever be subject to a domestic tyrant whether he rules by physical intimidation or emotional manipulation. I don't even want to walk on eggshells again - I grew up that way and in my years of dating and relationships I saw it far too often in my own partners and in the partners of friends and family. People you'd never suspect would reveal that kind of personality from under their mask, but do.

Life's too short to walk that path too many times. I can manage on my own, I have friends and family I care about to keep me socially connected when I need it, but as an anxious introvert I really like to cultivate a lot of solitude anyway. I pleasure myself when the urge arises, but in menopause that's not the burning desire it once was which has made the tolerance for BS go way down. I recognize myself as a biological being who was compelled for many years by a reproductive drive that no longer compels at all. I can be free of all that BS, and I am happy to be!

No more dating. Try it for a while and see how you like it.

This should be required reading for every single woman 40+.

More need to let go of the notion that we need a relationship.

[Anonymous]

I would do a journaling exercise where you imagine it is your last day on earth after having lived your dream life. What did you accomplish? What brought you joy?

It sounds like you may already have a community that meets all your emotional/social needs, but if you find that you're writing about traveling with a significant other, spending evenings making dinners with a significant other, etc. then you may want to keep dating. You may simply not be with the right person currently.

Dating can get harder as we get older just because many people do tend to pair up, so it may be easier to keep dating now if that is something you ultimately want in your future.