If you have 1 elder living w- family, do you take them on vacation w/ you?
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Anonymous
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My mother, 88 (great health) is now living with us (1 year now), we are planning on going on vacation abroad for spring break and we are not taking her. I feel bad but we cannot afford another room and expense. She says she’s okay with this but I can tell she wishes she could go.
We will be traveling like this off and on, if she is healthy I shouldn't feel bad right? Asian background here. What do you do with elderly parent living with you? |
Anonymous
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I was in this situation. My mother came and live with me while she left her house oversea for my brother and sister. I fund all her expenses and took her everywhere we went. Yes extra room for only her.
She was never happy. She still bad mouth me that I neglected her. She s now back to her home country living with my brother and his wife in her own house. They traveled for fun a lot and never take her anywhere. Yes he s her favorite kid. She s upset that he doesn’t take her with his family when they traveled But it’s her son so … she loves him I m trying to say, don’t fell guilty, do whatever s best for you. You r already taking care of her. I never felt bad for taking care of my mother even though she tried to siphon my money for my leached like brother or she s very double standard when it come to gender of her kids. But I don’t hesitate to say no and set my boundaries either. Sorry too much info more than you asked. Hope it helps. |
Anonymous
| Take them with you |
Anonymous
| Quite a few independent and assisted living places offer respite where when a family goes on vacation or something like that, they can pay to temporarily house the elder there and know they are getting meals and social activities and they can be checked on to make sure they are OK/haven't fallen. |
Anonymous
I would not take an 88 year old abroad where you don't know any doctors and could potentially have an issue that delays coming back. Also, your spouse comes before an aging parent. If your spouse and you need this break and your kids need this break, then you need to go without her. Families absolutely do become abusive when pushed to their limits with elders. When a friend of mine worked as a geriatric socialworker she had several cases of traditional families where they took in the elder due to cultural expectations and the elder had to moved out of there and put in residential because of the abuse. She said in each case they seemed like genuinely kind people pushed over their limit. If going on vacation helps you come back and be kind and loving to your elder, then go without her. You don't want to burn out. |
Anonymous
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I think it feels nice when you can do things with just your immediate family sometimes. If I were your mom, I would be supportive and make sure not to act like we are always attached at the hip at all times, especially since she’s in good health.
Is there anybody who can check in on her or stay with her? If there’s nobody else, you should help her develop her network. |
Anonymous
I would PAY someone to check on her or stay with her or have her stay at an independent/assisted living facility that offers short term stays. Also, it sounds like she can make her own meals and drive, etc. Is that correct? If not, she needs a paid caregiver. |
Anonymous
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NP and not of Asian heritage. I took my early 80s mom to Paris last year on a vacation with husband and two teens.
She's been wanting to go on vacation with us for a long time so we agreed to it as an experiment. We did not take my dad because he argues with everyone in the family and makes everyone late and generally doesn't care about urban attraction types (dining, museums, churches, etc.) We got through the vacation pretty well considering she fell down on Day 3 (tripped at the front stoop of a metro station) and got a fractured arm (undiagnosed until return). During this incident, a "helpful" passerby distracted me enough to steal my cell phone. We also had to listen to a lot of complaining about walking speed, pace of our visits, the attractions we chose and didn't choose within Paris, a little about the meal plan and schedule, the temperature of the apartment, etc. Even though we were lucky enough to find a great AirBnB with a completely separate queen bedroom for her and a full-sized bathroom to share just with the 2 grandkids. And we had grocery store food plus a full kitchen so we could control breakfast and dinner choices. I think this was close to the most negative scenario we expected to frequently occur (elderly person gets injured or sick plus mild constant complaints). We chose not to go to the ER for practical reasons...it was a judgment call and my mom chose one path because she thought she had just a bad bruise. (I would have supported any decision.) If we'd gone to the ER, we probably would have lost two days of vacation to health care (finding, waiting, following up) plus time spent on insurance paperwork. My mom is used to high-cost packaged tourism for seniors with hotels, tourbuses, and luggage delivery. My nuclear family is about cheap hotels on high floors or Air BnB's, walking/subwaying everywhere, and each person brings only what they can carry. So now she's seen how we travel and what it requires. And she knows it's not a perfect match for her wishes. And we had a somewhat less fun vacation with a little bit of disaster on top. It is unlikely that we will agree to do another foreign trip again with this kind of arrangement. My mom still liked the trip though. She would do it again, we would prefer not to. Vacations need to be relaxing and stress-minimizing to help us unwind from our work and school problems. I don't think elderly parents have the right to expect to vacation with children even if they can keep up with them. It's just an understandable wish. That's all. For reference...she had been to Paris several times already, I had been twice before, and husband and kids had never been. We chose the destination for the ones who had not been there before. I think it's equally selfish to beg to go as to say, "I'm sorry but you can't go because you can't keep up or are not healthy enough". A courteous elder would understand their limits and not try to impose. A compromise solution would be for the elder to finance a more supportive or appropriate vacation for all. In our case, that wouldn't work because we really dislike heavily-scheduled package tours and the cost difference is enormous across 5 people. Like about $10k minimum. |
Anonymous
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My grandmother lived with us when I grew up and we really did a mix of things. It depended where we were going and if it would be too much for her. I often shared a bed with her on vacation (or when we had house guests), so I don’t think my parents ever paid for an extra room for her.
When I was a teen my parents would often go by themselves and leave me to stay with her. She ensured I didn’t have parties and I ensured she didn’t fall down. We both ensured the other one turned off the stove. I think anything works so long as everyone is coming from a place of love and respect. Without that, I think no arrangement really works — like PP’s situation above where it seems like nothing would have made her mom happy. |
Anonymous
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No, she doesn't want to go on vacation with you.
A relative or some trusted person needs to fill-in. |
Anonymous
Not being able to afford the expense isn't even the main issue. Safety is an even bigger one. At 88, your mother is one fall away from disaster, no matter how healthy she is. Case in point, one of the PPs mentioned their mother had fallen on a daily trip to Paris. Perhaps you can offer your mother the opportunity to go on another family vacation with you in the future that is closer to home, doesn't involve a lot of walking or exposure to the elements (heat, rain, cold, etc.), and where you can spend time as a family--something like a beach house or a rented house in a beautiful rural setting. |
Anonymous
| We have been taking my elderly parent with us on vacation in recent years and we’ve decided not to take them on an overseas vacation with us that’s coming up. What I am planning on doing, though, is having a different trip during the year that is more senior-friendly, like a week at the beach, etc. This person doesn’t live with us. I’d have a lot harder time going away if they were living with us. You need to find someone to stay with your mother so she isn’t alone while you’re away. Can she go visit with a different relative so it’s like she has her own vacation while you’re gone? |
Anonymous
My mom doesn't like to travel at all while MIL does. We don't see a need to drag my mom or oblige MIL every time. As long ad they are mobile and can call 911, they can stay home. A neighbor or friend can check on them and you too can call them for safety update. Make sure to stock up on food and medication. Put a ring camera on front door and one outside her room. Bring her something nice from the place you go to. |
Anonymous
This^. Be kind to them and take good care of them but be sure to avoid caregiver burnout, not good for you or them. |
Anonymous
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It depends on the type of vacation. A cruise is doable - they have entertainment for all ages and capabilities. A trip that's heavy in outdoor adventures or involves lots of walking is probably not a good idea even if they are healthy for their age.
Maybe you can ease the guilt by scheduling some one on one time, ie, shopping or trying new restaurants, or weekend excursions with the family so she feels involved. But it's hard to please everyone. - another Asian here |