How to accept one's personality?

[Anonymous]

My whole life I have felt that my personality is bad because I am a more aloof type of person in some ways. I am very smiley and polite, but I am also reserved on an emotional level. I will help out people, but within my boundaries which are tight. I know it bothers people, they feel I am not a flexible person, or perhaps unkind because I do not do things if I am not comfortable with them. I am almost 45 and feel like I should just accept those things about myself, yet I still feel guilty a lot about how I am, like I should be more open, more trusting...

[Anonymous]

Have you tried therapy? It is designed to solve the issues you face.

Make sure the therapist is trained in CBT.

[Anonymous]

I would probably understand better if you could give an example of a situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would probably understand better if you could give an example of a situation.

For example I volunteer and have for years. I have one shift a week, show up on time every time, do my job well. I know the coordinator resents that I do that once a week only, don't pick up extra shifts. She much prefers the people who say yes a lot to her to help out more. I would say this is me in general: I will commit to something, be very responsible about it, but will rarely go above that. I am the same at work.

[Anonymous]

I can really relate to this. As a result, I don't have a ton of friends. It bothers me a ton but the funny thing is, I don't even think I want a lot of friends? I often feel exhausted by the emotional labor required to maintain friendships. It just bothers me in principle. I don't know how to come to terms with it, and I feel guilty and like I have a bad personality too.

[Anonymous]

At 45 you need to be more accepting of who you are and be true to yourself.

Why do you want to please a volunteer coordinator?

Try being more confident about who you are and your boundaries. It's more authentic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 45 you need to be more accepting of who you are and be true to yourself.

Why do you want to please a volunteer coordinator?

Try being more confident about who you are and your boundaries. It's more authentic.

I think it's more about feeling unappreciated a lot (not just in this situation) or even actively disliked. I show up and do my thing and it's not enough, but others do more, then flake or aren't consistent and it is praised because it's more visible and a bigger commitment. The same has happened in every realm of my life really: I am a responsible, dependable friend but I am not seen as the fun friend, at work I am the quiet worker bee...

[Anonymous]

Agree that this is a good reason for therapy. It can help you accept yourself without judgement, set realistic goals for change, and give you the tools to get there.

[Anonymous]

Agree that this is a good reason for therapy. It can help you accept yourself without judgement, set realistic goals for change, and give you the tools to get there.

[Anonymous]

I hear you. I felt like this before I was medicated. When my SSRI kicked in, I didn't care anymore. It's been liberating.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you me? This is my exact situation. Like right down to the volunteering where I can tell that the organizers are annoyed when I say "I can do X" and then they want me to do XYZ and I say no.

I think we should stay strong. I didn't used to be this way -- I was actually a people pleaser who overextended myself for years because that's what my mom was like, and that is way worse. People take you for granted and then get mad when you start to reduce your workload because they view you as selfish for merely reducing what you are doing down to an amount similar to others. I've even had people who do LESS than me express frustration that I'm saying no to something I've done in the past, because they've just gotten used to the idea that I provide that free service for them.

I think middle aged women, in particular, just get conscripted into a lot of BS volunteering and it's one of the reasons a lot of women at this age are perpetually aggrieved. Hold the boundary. You don't owe anyone anything.

[Anonymous]

I’ve found that how you say no makes a difference. Laugh, sound conspiratorial, be confident, draw them in, it makes a difference.

Obviously you don’t need to do those things but if people’s response to saying no bugs you, change the script.

[Anonymous]

OP, from what you’ve described, I’m not sure that the source of your issue is having solid boundaries as it is—as you seem to be suspecting—that you may be kind of closed and not trusting.

I have open and closed phases too—I think most people do. But if you’re closed, you are almost guaranteeing that no one will be let in, and no one will probably want to be let in.

You sound like you want to be slightly more open. Maybe being around animals, nature, and if you have grandkids, can help restore some trust in others. I come from a very difficult background and that is some of what I’ve been doing for the past maybe 20 years. It’s helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can really relate to this. As a result, I don't have a ton of friends. It bothers me a ton but the funny thing is, I don't even think I want a lot of friends? I often feel exhausted by the emotional labor required to maintain friendships. It just bothers me in principle. I don't know how to come to terms with it, and I feel guilty and like I have a bad personality too.

Me also! I find people exhausting a lot of the times, especially since I had kids.

[Anonymous]

You’re normal op, don’t feel bad.