More of a vent than anything: friends and HS assignment

[Anonymous]

Earlier in the school year I asked my DS to ask his friends which of the two high schools they are assigned to - because it’s possible to request a transfer. He never followed through.
Now the transfer request window is closed and he comes asking if he can transfer.
I asked him how important it was (important but not critical) and told him I’ll see what I can do.
Then I went for a walk to clear my head and get groceries.
Mind you, he never hangs out with the friends of his. When the school went on an overnight trip, he shared a cabin with what I understand are his second choice friends - my guess is that his friend group quickly paired up and he was left out? So I can’t really say they are his close friends.
I came back and said ok the window has closed but I am happy to write a plea and try it. He said nah at this point I feel like we shouldn’t even bother.
I am relieved (because I don’t really see the point - his friends are not too close to him from what I can see, his current school is good, and I hate requests) but also worried about how easily he gave up and also I feel like I am not a good enough mom.
I should add that he barely asks me for anything (unless it’s unhealthy food or video game time) so I felt bad about not fulfilling his request.

[Anonymous]

I can't even figure out what this is about. There are literally no problems. He asked you to do something too late to do it, you told him that, he said no sweat.

Despite you being happy he didn't ask you to appeal or whatever, you extrapolated that somehow whatever this is makes you a bad mother? Are you ... on medicine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't even figure out what this is about. There are literally no problems. He asked you to do something too late to do it, you told him that, he said no sweat.

Despite you being happy he didn't ask you to appeal or whatever, you extrapolated that somehow whatever this is makes you a bad mother? Are you ... on medicine?

Even though you were rude your reply helped me! Thanks
I am worried about his friendship situation. I will feel terrible if it becomes worse in HS just because I didn’t even try to transfer him to where his friends were.
I am glad it doesn’t seem a big deal for someone on the outside - makes me feel better

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. You’re worried about his friend situation, and you feel like a little nudge here or there could make a big difference. I have a kid like this, and I remind myself that his situation is up to him at this point. They’re teenagers and we can’t keep trying to curate their lives. Your son will make new friends at his new school. Or he won’t. Either way it’s out of your hands!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. You’re worried about his friend situation, and you feel like a little nudge here or there could make a big difference. I have a kid like this, and I remind myself that his situation is up to him at this point. They’re teenagers and we can’t keep trying to curate their lives. Your son will make new friends at his new school. Or he won’t. Either way it’s out of your hands!

Thank you so much, PP!
I often feel like I don’t do enough for his “development” in the general sense: I never applied to privates (we could get a nice scholarship), turned down a better middle school because I didn’t want to deal with his volatile dad whose address we would have to use (and didn’t want to deal with residency checks), and now this.

[Anonymous]

I hear you. IME friendships among boys are more transient/casual (nowhere near as “deep” or as big of an issue if that makes sense?) than for girls at this age. Pretty normal. He’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you. IME friendships among boys are more transient/casual (nowhere near as “deep” or as big of an issue if that makes sense?) than for girls at this age. Pretty normal. He’ll be fine.

Thank you so much!

[Anonymous]

It's fine. You're fine, your son is fine.

Please be assured that many parents would love to have this "problem".

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you nurture the friendships that he currently has? For example, suggest having a few kids over on a Friday night and pickup the pizza tab or offer to drive to a school sporting event. Basically, put a few ideas in his head.

[Anonymous]

FWIW my parents let me fend for myself. There were instances where their help would have been invaluable but I didn't get it. Sad, but it did make me more resilient.

Sounds like you do a lot for your kid (my parents would never have been thinking about any of this.) It's good and it's enough. Your kid's reaction tells me he will be okay in high school.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he’s easy-going and resilient. Good job, mom. He’s doing by great.

[Anonymous]

My brother was like this. He struggled with basic planning and coordinating socially. As one example, he needed his parking pass application signed by the football coach and he kept putting it off/forgetting/who knows. Finally, his little sister, who was sick of taking the bus, matched up to the head football coach in front of 100+ football players and asked him to sign the form for her brother. It took all of 10 seconds and was done, but my brother would have *never* done it.

I'll say that these issues have persisted into adulthood and my brother still struggles with adulting. My mom thinks it's untreated anxiety. It's probably some of that, but I also think he comes off as a nice guy and all the women in his life (mom, sister, girlfriends, school secretaries) ended up stepping in and handling it for him so he never had to figure it out. Don't let that happen to your son. Make him schedule his own dentist and doctor appointments, take his own car to have the oil changed, call to ask for an exception to request a transfer, do his own laundry, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you. IME friendships among boys are more transient/casual (nowhere near as “deep” or as big of an issue if that makes sense?) than for girls at this age. Pretty normal. He’ll be fine.

It’s really this. My 10th grader has had completely different groups of friends every year since 6th grade now. Sometimes I’m confused and don’t know what happened to Jack, John, Joe who used to always be here and now disappeared. He says it’s all cool and he’s just hanging out more with Jim and James now. I would not transfer schools based on any current middle school friendships.

[Anonymous]

My DS did MS during Covid and went on to HS with masks and social distancing. It started rough but by 10th grade he had a crew of friends that had chosen each other, no social engineering needed. Take a deep breath, you are both doing fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you nurture the friendships that he currently has? For example, suggest having a few kids over on a Friday night and pickup the pizza tab or offer to drive to a school sporting event. Basically, put a few ideas in his head.

I’ve tried he refuses