Choosing to live near grandparents?

[Anonymous]

Hi all, hoping parents and grandparents can help me with some perspective here. My thoughts are muddled, so thanks for your patience as I try to get them out.

We live in a nice, smaller town in the DMV with our 3yo. My parents live near the Great Lakes, while DH’s live across the Atlantic. Both sets are hard to get to, and we see each side maybe 3x a year for 2-3 weeks at a time if we’re lucky.

I grew up like that, with no grandparents close by and seeing them for even less time every year or two. DH, on the other hand, had both sets of grandparents within a two hours’ drive. He saw them all the time and would spend several weeks alone with both sets in the summer.

Both sets of our parents are awesome grandparents to our son. Last Christmas, he had so much fun with my mom that he called her his best friend. He’s been asking to visit my parents again for a couple weeks now, and gets excited each time he sees a plane.

At this point, I’m wondering how selfish it is to keep living in the DMV and deprive my parents and son of that relationship. My job is remote, and I am the breadwinner, with my husband making a couple thousand a month and taking care of our child. We live small, and are therefore able to save on two incomes. My worries are that a) my DH will lose his income (private music teacher) if we move, which is still ok for us financially but will be a blow to him. He can teach in the new town, but for a third of the money per hour that he makes here. B) we will lose the friends we love here. c) I don’t see us living in my parents’ town for longer than three or so years. (We are planning on having our child go to school in one of our European home countries, which solves the issue of him seeing my DH’s parents. And my parents will retire at that time, so they will be more mobile and can stay with us for a while overseas.) Would it be worth it to move?

On the other hand, I never had the grandparent relationship I wanted growing up. I know from experience how hard that is to build the older you get. And I’m not worried about controlling behavior from my parents concerning my own parenting. They’re really good about that. I wouldn’t feel great moving overseas yet because my DH’s parents are controlling in that regard, so I want my kid to be older and able to stand up for himself better before we move there.

The good thing about my hometown is also the surprising amount of opportunity for kids. There’s a new forest preschool, an environmental/waldorf charter school opening this year, and a big children’s museum where a dying mall used to be.

Thanks in advance for any responses here! I’d also love to hear any alternatives to the two options above.

[Anonymous]

If you have good friends here just have your parents visit here more when retiring. Moving is exhausting and if you are moving again in a few years that’s too much.

[Anonymous]

We are about to move to be closer to my parents and have a better quality of life, but our situation is different because we really don't like being in the DMV and our cost of living will improve so much that we'll be able to save and lot more.

I will say that planning for this move has been a huge hassle. It's a lot more than I remembered when moving before kids. I think if you're happy in the DMV and have a good set of incomes and plan to move anyway in a few years, then I wouldn't bother uprooting right now. If you work remotely and your DH can have some flexibility with timing lessons, why not just plan to spend larger chunks visiting your parents? You could go for all of December and all summer, for example.

Are your parents nudging you about moving closer to them? Do they have some flexibility to come visit you more?

[Anonymous]

OP here — DH feels guilty about leaving his studio for large chunks of time. I do think him teaching remote is an option, though, and we’ve discussed it. Maybe another teacher could pick up his hours, too.

My parents are teachers, and therefore should be free in summer, but often take up summer teaching work. It’s still an option, though, for us to visit longer during that time. They are coming here for a couple weeks this summer.

Both responses are making me feel better — thank you! I’m thinking a little more clearly about what compromises are possible, versus an all-or-nothing solution.

[Anonymous]

Can your parents come live with you for three years?

[Anonymous]

OP -- Unfortunately, they're not retired yet and both work in-person jobs.

[Anonymous]

You stay don’t be a fooool

[Anonymous]

Op, do not trade What You Have for A Dream

[Anonymous]

No I wouldn’t do it for three years.

[Anonymous]

Not unless I was moving there for 10+ years. If you already know you are moving in three years, then no.

[Anonymous]

Have you discussed this with your parents? How old are they? My parents were so excited about having us close and were very excited to help the first year or two but I could tell as my kids got older (and my parents did) it became more difficult and they were less enthused. And then my dad retired and a year later they decided to move south. I would just make sure if you make the move all expectations are clear!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here — DH feels guilty about leaving his studio for large chunks of time. I do think him teaching remote is an option, though, and we’ve discussed it. Maybe another teacher could pick up his hours, too.

My parents are teachers, and therefore should be free in summer, but often take up summer teaching work. It’s still an option, though, for us to visit longer during that time. They are coming here for a couple weeks this summer.

Both responses are making me feel better — thank you! I’m thinking a little more clearly about what compromises are possible, versus an all-or-nothing solution.

He teaches music and you want him to teach remotely. I was a music and voice major and neither can be taught remotely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I wouldn’t do it for three years.

But I also wouldn't assume it'll just be three years.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I think there are no bad choices here. Your kid is 3, so moving twice and changing schools when 6 is not that big a deal. Having grandparents nearby during these years can be great (although, easier to see them if they don't work). Also your DH can teach, and presumably the cost of living is lower so his diminished teaching fees will not be that much of a blow.

OTH, you only have 3 years of the current situation, which is not bad. You have your friends here, your DH likes his job, and there are lots of opportunities for your kid here.

You haven't mentioned moving to Europe now (instead of in 3 years) but shouldn't that be on the table too, if you can work from anywhere?

All that said, I declined to move to be near my parents, because they live in an expensive yet low-opportunity area, and we like our community, school, church, and DC-focused jobs. I did not want to be stuck in their town after they pass, which is (statistically) likely to be when I am 10-15 years from retirement / kid is in HS, and therefore difficult to relocate. The downside - which is a downside you'll have to deal with if you move to Europe - is that I don't see my parents as much as I like, especially as they age and travel becomes difficult for them. And I don't know how we'll manage the help they'll need as they age.

[Anonymous]

Wait you already spend 12 to 18 WEEKS a year with them?! That’s you probably would spend fewer days / hours with them if you lived close. It sounds like you have plenty of time together and I would not go through the stress and expense of a move and trying to build short term friends just for 3 years. That’s crazy