Navigating rigidity and other siblings

[Anonymous]

DD is almost 7 and has a bit of a murky dx. Technically ADHD inattentive type + language processing disorder but also low-tone, some stimming and dyspraxia. (Dev ped and neuro have both said she doesn't meet criteria for ASD, but very similar profile to HFA).

We also have a two year old who is increasingly a presence in the house. Older DD really struggles with rigidity vis a vis her little sister. For example DD7 wants to clean up the train set because she is done playing, but DD2 is not done and wants to keep playing. Our 7 year old will have a major meltdown in an instance like this because she feels so compelled to clean-up it's almost painful to her not to be able to do it. Chaos ensues. We move the train set to where she cannot see it. We let her clean it up as soon as DD2 is in bed etc. But we do not just let he put it away since DD2 is still engaged with it.

This is just one example of a typical problem. How do you teach frustration tolerance when it feels like an urge that DD7 is not even entirely in control of...?

[Anonymous]

Can she write about it?

I really want to clean up the trains! I am frustrated that I have to wait for Larla to keep playing.

As is her ability to write/draw her feelings

[Anonymous]

It sounds like OCD..I would talk to her pediatrician first

[Anonymous]

HFA is ASD…that part of your post is not clear? !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HFA is ASD…that part of your post is not clear? !

I meant her doctors don’t believe she has ASD but regardless her overall profile is the most similar to a child who does have ASD level 1/HFA. She has a rare genetic mutation.

[Anonymous]

This is where Unstuck and On Target can help. She is struggling with being flexible. She needs to learn to develop coping skills for when her Plan A (cleaning up when SHE is done) doesn’t work. It will help her to learn to identify her feelings. She needs to recognize feeling frustrated, and how tense it is on a scale from one to ten. When she has strong emotions that hit a four, she needs to recognize them and use a coping skill. You can help by giving her the language, saying that this is a time to be flexible and switch focus to something else.

I’d recommend a social skills group or an OT that works on regulation. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is where Unstuck and On Target can help. She is struggling with being flexible. She needs to learn to develop coping skills for when her Plan A (cleaning up when SHE is done) doesn’t work. It will help her to learn to identify her feelings. She needs to recognize feeling frustrated, and how tense it is on a scale from one to ten. When she has strong emotions that hit a four, she needs to recognize them and use a coping skill. You can help by giving her the language, saying that this is a time to be flexible and switch focus to something else.

I’d recommend a social skills group or an OT that works on regulation. Good luck.

+1 My DS (now 17) sounds a lot like your DD (ADHD/anxiety/language disorder never met the criteria for ASD but has some overlapping symptoms). It can be touch to determine the origin of a particular behavior but, with him, it often led to a flooding of emotions and a meltdown/tantrum (even at an age where it wasn't appropriate).

We worked with a great OT on emotional regulation (did I mention what a horrible loser DS was for a VERY long time?). She adapted the How Does Your Engine Run method. In school, the school psychologist and counselor worked with DS and other using Unstuck and On Target. At home, it was critical that we have an appropriate discipline approach. I attend some Positive Discipline classes, read up a lot about the language of discipline as well as how to work with kids with anxiety and language disorders. There's no single way to parent a like this and you really need an understanding of their challenges to know how better to approach things.

I've seen the SPACE program recommended here recently which seems to be offered by the Ross Center. I've an excellent experiences with the Ross Center so I imagine it's a good program. I found PEP too expensive and didn't have anything new to offer to my (YMMV).

Finally, one of the foundational things I did was to ensure there were appropriate 'boundaries' for the kids. It was my youngest that sounds most similar to you but I've also got an older DS with ADHD/anxiety who had his own challenges. Emotions should be acknowledged but they do not excuse unacceptable behavior. Unacceptable behavior has been pretty clearly defined.

In regards to the train set, it sounds like you handled it well. You acknowledged your DD's want (not need) to put the train set away. You noted that younger DC wasn't finished with it. It's not fair to younger DC to take away the toy because older DD wants to put it away. You moved the train set somewhere else. Win-win. As time goes on and you continue to work with your DD on flexibility and self-awareness, it will get better. It took us years and an SSRI but it's gotten better.

https://www.rosscenter.com/services/parent-consultation-training/space/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like OCD..I would talk to her pediatrician first

Depends on WHY she so badly wants to clean up the train set, to address the example given in the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is where Unstuck and On Target can help. She is struggling with being flexible. She needs to learn to develop coping skills for when her Plan A (cleaning up when SHE is done) doesn’t work. It will help her to learn to identify her feelings. She needs to recognize feeling frustrated, and how tense it is on a scale from one to ten. When she has strong emotions that hit a four, she needs to recognize them and use a coping skill. You can help by giving her the language, saying that this is a time to be flexible and switch focus to something else.

I’d recommend a social skills group or an OT that works on regulation. Good luck.

+1. Chiming in that you want to work on this at home as much as possible because this is also going to be happening at school and in social settings. You handled it really well. Even if it’s older DD’s train set, it’s not ok to put it away when younger DD is still enjoying it. When older DD is calmer are you asking what about this type of scenario is bothering her?

[Anonymous]

This is hard, and it sounds like you're navigating it well. For us, we are constantly trying to balance being accommodating and understanding of our DS's needs (because we found that he was reacting with a lot of defiance when he didn't feel understood or respected) with ensuring he understands that he doesn't always get his way and that he is strong enough to handle that. Some of that has involved being firm in our own communication to him and in helping him develop better self esteem. We all in our family have some trouble coping with uncertainty, so we talk a lot about this concept.

Unstuck and On Target is a great program. We did one of the group sessions, and although I don't think we implemented it quite as well at home as we could have, the concepts resonated and helped.

Also recognize that her needs will change as she gets older, and the interactions with her sister will, too. You will probably need regular tweaking of your approach.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say I’m sorry. My oldest has ADHD and can be very rigid. They are now doing great at school and with friends (well relatively speaking) and take out everything on their sibling. It’s so painful and we are in a difficult cycle where oldest child feels we love the younger one more because they are constantly being stopped from name calling and tantruming when they don’t get their way. It’s so hard. Unstuck and on target has helped. But the sibling stuff is the hardest for us.