Any parents out there with non-independent adult children with medical issues?

[Anonymous]

Mostly searching for some sympathy and also would like to hear about people in a similar boat and how you cope.

DD is in her 30s and has a range of issues stemming from a serious illness she had as a child (I'd rather not elaborate for privacy reasons). She's had trouble holding onto a job and never "matured" into an independent adult (whether that's entirely a result of her condition or us babying her, I'm not really sure...). We take her to her doctors' appointments and there are various things we have to monitor to see if they progress into anything serious. Long story short, she has always lived at home, doesn't have much of a life, friends, etc. (she did in the past but had a medical setback a few years ago). While I enjoy her companionship, it's certainly not the life I envisioned for her, or for us. I honestly think that she COULD be independent if we pushed, but I'm also afraid that if she lives alone and has a medical emergency and we aren't there to help, then it could be disastrous. And then there's the thought of what will happen if/when we pass away, assuming she outlives us.

[Anonymous]

I have extended family members like this, but they are low IQ and intellectually disabled as a result of violence in childhood. It sounds like your situation is very different if it is simply the result of your babying her.

Is this truly something she is unable to overcome or is she just too comfortable or lazy? It is hard to give specific advice without knowing what her actual limitations are.

[Anonymous]

My aunt is 88 and has never lived alone as a result of lingering effects of serious medical issues she had in ES back in the 1940s. However, she had a job as a very young woman and raised 6 kids. Her youngest stayed home to care for her but did college and has a fed job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have extended family members like this, but they are low IQ and intellectually disabled as a result of violence in childhood. It sounds like your situation is very different if it is simply the result of your babying her.

Is this truly something she is unable to overcome or is she just too comfortable or lazy? It is hard to give specific advice without knowing what her actual limitations are.

She does have some mental limitations due to a brain injury. She can carry on a conversation but has some problems with language/listening. It's hard to tell, if you were to talk to her. But it's been part of the issue with finding a job, friends, dating, etc.

[Anonymous]

Is she happy? What's important is if she's happy and content. I have a child who is lower functioning, non-verbal ASD. They will always live with DH and I. My entire life is making sure they're happy, healthy and well taken care of. We work hard to provide as many experiences as possible. I made sure to befriend his classmates parents, and other people like them in our community. If I were to focus on all of the things they will never experience like their siblings will, I'd be a wreck (and I used to be). Can she join a group for people who are similar or share the same interests? Church? There are jobs available to people with disabilities/SN. It's never too late to try new things and get her involved in and around the community.

[Anonymous]

Is a group home setting an option? You have to find some kind of arrangement for when you and your spouse are no longer around.

[Anonymous]

Set her up now for how you would want her to be when you and husband gone. If wait until you are gone, too late.

[Anonymous]

First of all, hugs to you OP. Every parent expects to raise their children to eventually live a healthy independent life as an adult. Its a rite of passage. I’ve seen my parents struggle with the realization that my 50 year old sibling will never be able to do that. It’s hard, but there are options. It depends on what city/county you live, there are wonderful group homes and services. Yes wait lists are long but start researching now, seek help from social workers. Of course as an adult your child will need to agree, but it’s a conversation that needs to be had, and if you plan to live nearby, you will still visit each other regularly. Another option depending on your income, the severity of your child’s medical issue and ability to hire a nurse - a cousins son lives in his parents in-law suite, he needs care 24/7 so they get disability income and other resources to partially pay for it. That way they can leave the house and breathe a little knowing he’s in good care. It’s emotionally hard, and I hope you have the support of family and friends. Good luck, just some ideas for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Set her up now for how you would want her to be when you and husband gone. If wait until you are gone, too late.

This.