When should I cut off my father?

[Anonymous]

My 66-year-old father a full time bartender/server.

Over the past few years there have been times where he has called me and my husband and asked for money to cover rent/bills. In the beginning I wasn't too annoyed, but as of recently I've been really pissed off. He's capable of making good financial decisions.

DH disagrees, says since it is only ever $100 here, $150 there, it's not a big deal. We have the money, but I am of the belief that if should be going to children's charities. DH is absolutely gobsmacked and angry over this and acting like its completely out of line I expect my father to support himself. We have been getting into arguments over this.

Am I in the wrong? And if I am, is there any point at which it becomes inappropriate?

[Anonymous]

Yes, you're wrong.

[Anonymous]

It's not desirable, but if your father supported you fully financially (or paid fair share) for you as a child, I don't think you should be very angry. And I think funding family before charities is appropriate.

You may resent your dad for not having his life together. But if the asks are minor, I think it's acceptable.

You should have a discussion with him about Medicare & nursing home type issues. It sounds like he might have difficulty paying if he had any serious life problems. I don't think that burden should fall on your family. That's where my personal line is.

Don't fight with DH if he's sticking up for your family member. It shows he is family-oriented and cares about your family of origin even if they are annoying and don't have their lives in order. To me that's a positive vs. "your family, your problem". You may need this quality at a more serious time in your family life.

[Anonymous]

You're not wrong to be annoyed, but it sounds like your father is an elderly person working very hard physical jobs. The kind of jobs that he may not have PTO if he can't work because he's sick, and old people have health problems. His income may fluctuate due to things outside of his control, such as hours assigned and tips. And he's only asking for small amounts here and there to cover him. I think it's within the bounds of reasonable. You haven't mentioned a substance abuse or gambling problem or financial irresponsibility.

[Anonymous]

Children are not obligated to pay for parents, even though said parents raised them. I’d say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not desirable, but if your father supported you fully financially (or paid fair share) for you as a child, I don't think you should be very angry. And I think funding family before charities is appropriate.

You may resent your dad for not having his life together. But if the asks are minor, I think it's acceptable.

You should have a discussion with him about Medicare & nursing home type issues. It sounds like he might have difficulty paying if he had any serious life problems. I don't think that burden should fall on your family. That's where my personal line is.

Don't fight with DH if he's sticking up for your family member. It shows he is family-oriented and cares about your family of origin even if they are annoying and don't have their lives in order. To me that's a positive vs. "your family, your problem". You may need this quality at a more serious time in your family life.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

No, you are correctly setting appropriate boundaries. We have a social safety net in this country that just got a massive raise this year. It’s called social security.

Go to social security dot gov and put what you know about your father’s finances in to see the total monthly income he is entitled to. Share with your spouse.

See also Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud

[Anonymous]

Just going by this description, your husband is right to extend some charity, and you are very much in the wrong. However, there are other ways to give: you can pay rent directly, for example, that way you know exactly where your money is going, and what to expect each month. It avoids surprises and your father can plan better and know he's not getting a dime beyond X amount, planned for Y bill.

Are you by any chance the person whose father moved in with her, and couldn't get any job beyond bartending, and then you wrote that you wanted to throw him out of your house? Because if that's the case, you have bigger problems. Where is he living now?

[Anonymous]

So you would rather give money to charities instead of your parent? Who is working FT, in a hard job? Not everyone in society will have a white collar job and make a ton of money. I'm not saying you should be giving him thousands and thousands, but the small amounts you mentioned? Those are exactly the kinds of amounts that ruin working class people. They are always one paycheck away from complete catastrophe and get into debt in large part because they don't have enough cash flow to fund basics. So they will go to a payday lender to pay their cell phone bill because it is due 2 days before payday, then that $100 bill becomes $125 with interest and they are in a neverending hole. A cell phone is not a luxury in 2023. I'm sure he does not have good health insurance either. So any illness that requires medical attention could be a catastrophic financial setback. A $500 ER bill is catastrophic to a person when $500 might be their entire paycheck for a week.

Yes, you are subsidizing him if you give him these small amounts, but you are also probably helping keep the man on his feet. It also sounds like the requests are not that frequent, based on your characterization. If a working poor person is only needing $150 bail outs from time to time, and not living in constant crisis - that actually IS success.


Please count your blessings and thank goodness you have a husband who is a kind person.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, invest in some therapy and unpack what’s really going on here for you. Something is bugging you about this, but you’re unable to put it into words for yourself or your spouse. Maybe you’re resentful about some ways your dad wasn’t there for you in the past. Maybe you’re anxious about having to fully support him moving forward. No one here knows.

Take some time to figure this out with a professional who has no skin in the game. Whether you decide to give him money or not is your decision. What you need to first, though, is to be able to articulate why you’re making that decision and to be able to live with it.

Peace to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, invest in some therapy and unpack what’s really going on here for you. Something is bugging you about this, but you’re unable to put it into words for yourself or your spouse. Maybe you’re resentful about some ways your dad wasn’t there for you in the past. Maybe you’re anxious about having to fully support him moving forward. No one here knows.

Take some time to figure this out with a professional who has no skin in the game. Whether you decide to give him money or not is your decision. What you need to first, though, is to be able to articulate why you’re making that decision and to be able to live with it.

Peace to you.

+1 I'll add that it's important for you to figure this out with a professional because you and your DH are fighting about it. This should not be getting between you two. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not desirable, but if your father supported you fully financially (or paid fair share) for you as a child, I don't think you should be very angry. And I think funding family before charities is appropriate.

You may resent your dad for not having his life together. But if the asks are minor, I think it's acceptable.

You should have a discussion with him about Medicare & nursing home type issues. It sounds like he might have difficulty paying if he had any serious life problems. I don't think that burden should fall on your family. That's where my personal line is.

Don't fight with DH if he's sticking up for your family member. It shows he is family-oriented and cares about your family of origin even if they are annoying and don't have their lives in order. To me that's a positive vs. "your family, your problem". You may need this quality at a more serious time in your family life.

All of this.

+1 great post and I agree entirely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not desirable, but if your father supported you fully financially (or paid fair share) for you as a child, I don't think you should be very angry. And I think funding family before charities is appropriate....

Ah, so you have a transactional view of the relationship. You're okay with OP not giving her father money if he didn't fully support her financially in childhood. Got it.

I don't want my relationships to be transactional or manipulated. OP should go to counseling to help her better understand her reaction, determine what she wants to do, set boundaries and ensure she and her DH are on the same page. Counseling can also help OP's DH understand OP's reaction.

[Anonymous]

You should appreciate the fact that your husband wants to help out his FIL. Many husbands would not so I would give him an A for effort. If he’s 66 and working it doesn’t sound as though he has much in retirement savings and may be relying on social security which isn’t much. If I were you, or your husband, I would try to get a handle on your fathers financial situation to better understand where it stands and see if he’s missing out on anything or overpaying something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children are not obligated to pay for parents, even though said parents raised them. I’d say no.

How generous of you! I guess you skipped the giving season. Being generous with modest amounts falls far short of paying.