Our society or at least my family almost encourages eating disorders

[Anonymous]

We went out for brunch with my extended family yesterday. They are obsessed with being thin and looking good, but apparently healthy is not part of it. I am on weight-watchers and I really like it. I only mention it if asked how I lost weight. I can technically eat anything, but I chose not to eat high sugar high butter stuff because it only feels good for a half hour and then I get the crash/feel sick and then I am hungry again an hour later. So at a breakfast buffet I chose fruit mixed with unsweetened Greek yogurt, eggs and coffee. I even went back for more. I felt great and nourished and it filled me up for a while. The pressure on me to have quiche, cinnamon swirl muffins, bagels, cream cheese, french toast, pastries, bacon, etc was insane. I just kept saying "no thanks." My sister actually placed pastries onto my plate and I could not just put it back after she touched it, but when I didn't eat it, I had to ignore her pushiness. She is pre-diabetic which makes her behavior all the more disturbing. I have a cousin who people know struggles with bulimia and she was held up as a role model for indulging in everything and going back for more. Her sister sat next to her and complained to me that within 20 minutes all she did was complaining about how gross she felt and she wished she could call her therapist.

I feel secure in my choices, but I told my husband this is why I just prefer to meet them for non-food related activities. He even felt pressured. He had the nerve to get an egg-white omelette. He didn't act smug about it. He got it filled with all sorts of vegetables and it looked amazing! He had other food too and did not appreciate their comments.

We set a boundary in smaller group settings that commentary on our food choices is not welcome and we give a reminder when they get pushy, but there were too many joining in and it wasn't worth making a scene. My daughter is at an age where the mixed messages about how thin is better, but so are pastries are starting to mess with her and she asked to skip it next year. i think we will and we may only do food events with these people when there are witnesses outside the family. They tend to behave better with outsiders.

[Anonymous]

It is eating disordered, I’m sorry you had to sit through that.

But you have to let it go in regards to yourself. You know they’re showing you their food issues; you don’t have to have those anymore.

As far as your daughter goes, start talking to her more. When and how much to enjoy treats is a huge thing. Christmas is a fine time to enjoy a little excess if you don’t regularly indulge. You don’t want her going to the other end.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my family (and DH’s too), especially our parents’ generation. DC16 is a very particular eater and has a very small appetite. They visited DH’s extended family over the summer and came home complaining that every meal was a combination of people trying to force food on them while simultaneously praising their self control. A lot of mixed messaging, and pretty exhausting for DC.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP.

My MIL pushes all her food issues onto my family. I'm not as affected because eating all that wheat and sugar disagrees with me, and I'm not her child.

She bakes hundreds of cookies and has said we can eat them all and "diet in January." Um, no.

I stopped wanting to go there for as long because DH gains 10 lbs in a week. Food is EVERYWHERE and pushed constantly. I get so sick of it that I find I can't even hear my own body's cues as to whether I am hungry or not.

DH's family all have food issues and are overweight. They eat instead of deal with emotions/problems, I think.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I relate to what everyone wrote. Both my daughter and my son do like to have some treats and unlike how I was as a kid, they really only want a a serving of a treat or less and that is enough. They like how healthy eating feels and they both have healthy BMIs and play sports.

The mixed messages are endless. I think I ignore it, but the putting food onto my plate and pushing me to eat it is a bit much. A friend of mine who's family struggles with alcohol had a similar example with alcohol at her gathering last night. These days sugary stuff does not tempt me much because I feel so much better without it, but the first time she did that to me I was trying to get off sugar because I was close to the age a lot of people in my family started to have insulin issues and it took a lot of willpower to not give in. I was never a moderation person with sweets.

The eating instead of dealing with emotions nails it and describes probably 75% of my family and 50% of DH's.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

At a buffet with family I get a full plate, declare how great all the food looks, take a couple bites here and there and move things around on the plate. People ask and I say oh I am full or I am still working on it or something
and by the time we are leaving I have had a few bites of food which I mostly dont like and don’t want to fully eat and no one cares .

Don’t draw attention yourself while eating out in social situations like this. You are inviting this scrutiny on yourself so you can tell them about your weight watchers thing. Why do you need to tell them about it? Is it because you want to feel superior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At a buffet with family I get a full plate, declare how great all the food looks, take a couple bites here and there and move things around on the plate. People ask and I say oh I am full or I am still working on it or something
and by the time we are leaving I have had a few bites of food which I mostly dont like and don’t want to fully eat and no one cares .

Don’t draw attention yourself while eating out in social situations like this. You are inviting this scrutiny on yourself so you can tell them about your weight watchers thing. Why do you need to tell them about it? Is it because you want to feel superior?

Didn’t OP say she only says it when people ask? You really made a jump in logic from there to where you ended up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At a buffet with family I get a full plate, declare how great all the food looks, take a couple bites here and there and move things around on the plate. People ask and I say oh I am full or I am still working on it or something
and by the time we are leaving I have had a few bites of food which I mostly dont like and don’t want to fully eat and no one cares .

Don’t draw attention yourself while eating out in social situations like this. You are inviting this scrutiny on yourself so you can tell them about your weight watchers thing. Why do you need to tell them about it? Is it because you want to feel superior?

Ok but you actually sound like you have an eating disorder. You should not be giving OP advice. Her approach of eating good food in good quantities is much healthier than yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At a buffet with family I get a full plate, declare how great all the food looks, take a couple bites here and there and move things around on the plate. People ask and I say oh I am full or I am still working on it or something
and by the time we are leaving I have had a few bites of food which I mostly dont like and don’t want to fully eat and no one cares .

Don’t draw attention yourself while eating out in social situations like this. You are inviting this scrutiny on yourself so you can tell them about your weight watchers thing. Why do you need to tell them about it? Is it because you want to feel superior?

You are projecting a lot here. The truth is that people without food issues don't really spend very much time noticing what others are or are not eating, and people with good manners don't comment even if they do happen to notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At a buffet with family I get a full plate, declare how great all the food looks, take a couple bites here and there and move things around on the plate. People ask and I say oh I am full or I am still working on it or something
and by the time we are leaving I have had a few bites of food which I mostly dont like and don’t want to fully eat and no one cares .

Don’t draw attention yourself while eating out in social situations like this. You are inviting this scrutiny on yourself so you can tell them about your weight watchers thing. Why do you need to tell them about it? Is it because you want to feel superior?

First off, so much for being authentic. Why the smoke and mirrors around what you’re eating? Do you have an eating disorder? OP, on the other hand, is trying to be true to herself, eating the way she would like, instead of caving to all the family pressure around food. Second, OP clearly states that she only mentioned weight watchers because people asked about her weigh loss. What would you like her to do, lie so as not to sound “superior?” Again, pretty inauthentic.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's society, but your specific family. In mine nobody really comments on weight or size unless people are talking about sharing clothes and whether they think something will fit them. And while we may make comments on food they're judgment free. "Rory isn't really a carb guy, unless it's rolls." "Save some extra turkey for Brooke to take home - she really loves it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At a buffet with family I get a full plate, declare how great all the food looks, take a couple bites here and there and move things around on the plate. People ask and I say oh I am full or I am still working on it or something
and by the time we are leaving I have had a few bites of food which I mostly dont like and don’t want to fully eat and no one cares .

Don’t draw attention yourself while eating out in social situations like this. You are inviting this scrutiny on yourself so you can tell them about your weight watchers thing. Why do you need to tell them about it? Is it because you want to feel superior?

At work functions, I admit I've taken a peace of cake and then thrown it out at my desk rather than refuse so they can start the pushing it (such a waste of food).

But at a buffet, around family no less, OP shouldn't have to play those games. It's literally a place where you can take what you want. She took what she want, and unlike you, she ate it. That's completely normal behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At a buffet with family I get a full plate, declare how great all the food looks, take a couple bites here and there and move things around on the plate. People ask and I say oh I am full or I am still working on it or something
and by the time we are leaving I have had a few bites of food which I mostly dont like and don’t want to fully eat and no one cares .

Don’t draw attention yourself while eating out in social situations like this. You are inviting this scrutiny on yourself so you can tell them about your weight watchers thing. Why do you need to tell them about it? Is it because you want to feel superior?

+ 1. It’s not disordered to go strategize as this PP does. OP’s “authenticity” (could an Old Master even capture the beauty of her DH’s egg-white and veggie omelet? Prob not) is very I’m A Good Girl See My Halo. Let it go, roll your eyes at the comments. With respect to your daughter, tell family in your strongest manner to quit taking their food nonsense out on others. Say it firmly, don’t back down, and ignore the idiocy.

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this. Worse in a way, because she will push food and not eat it. She only offers huge portions. So if I agree to eat a brownie - because I am fine with sweets in moderation, she will give me a giant brownie. I have to stop her, or cut off a piece and return the rest. It’s a huge problem visiting because my son struggles with moderation and always overeats when visiting. What I hate is that she knows it’s too large of a portion - she would never eat it.

I think a lot of women are like this. They like to push food on other people. I think it’s a weird eating disorder itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. Worse in a way, because she will push food and not eat it. She only offers huge portions. So if I agree to eat a brownie - because I am fine with sweets in moderation, she will give me a giant brownie. I have to stop her, or cut off a piece and return the rest. It’s a huge problem visiting because my son struggles with moderation and always overeats when visiting. What I hate is that she knows it’s too large of a portion - she would never eat it.

I think a lot of women are like this. They like to push food on other people. I think it’s a weird eating disorder itself.

It’s controlling and what anyone else eats it’s not any other adult’s concern what grown-ups eat. The entire discussion about this and similar topics is just always a disaster. People who want to eat all kinds of pastries and meat at breakfast buffets are not tackier, less intelligent by dint of that, or otherwise worse than the grilled veggie saints. It’s not supposed to matter. I only care what my kid eats based on what her pediatrician says, and what I eat, and I routinely blank meaning make eye contact and give no response, to comments besides “is it good?” if I’m eating something. I don’t respond to criticisms, to passive-aggressive comments about what others wish they could eat, none of it. It’s easy in a way. The only place where I understand the agony is with protecting kids against effed-up adults.