13 year old attitude breaking me!

[Anonymous]

DD is so sparkly and unpleasant lately. She is always rolling her eyes and snotty when replying or engaging with my DH and me. She’s just not silly/goofy happy to hang out with us anymore. Is this normal? Grades at school are good and she is applying herself in those areas and with her team sport and music lessons.

She wants to spend all of her time with her friends and sleep over every other night since it is Christmas break and I am insisting on some family time. She slams her door, yells, rolls her eyes, etc. this has been going on for a few months and maybe it’s the adjustment to middle school, she is in seventh grade but I’m just exasperated and not sure what limits to set. I do allow her to hang out with her friends but I am to the point where I’m not going to allow it every day or allow her sleeping over more than once or twice this break. Am I being unreasonable or is this normal? I want my sweet kid back!

[Anonymous]

Yes, it’s okay to set some limits. Talk with your spouse and decide what’s reasonable in terms of sleepovers. How much time do you want her home and when? Then present it to her together with options, ie “Here’s where we’re tight: you’re home all of Christmas Day and Dec 27 because that’s when your cousins are here. You’re also home on New Years all day and night. Here’s where we’re loose: you can have 3 sleepovers between now and Dec 31. Once you’ve used up the three sleepovers, that’s it.”

[Anonymous]

It’s important now to draw the line on rudeness. She can be upset and angry, but not disrespectful. This is the time to start family meetings, and you can find resources online for how to do that.

[Anonymous]

One of my DDs slammed her door once and I opened it and told her if she slammed it again, it'd be taken off the hinges for a month. Never happened again.

When they yell, I tell them to go to their room and stay there until they can speak without yelling, and I don't allow phone/internet while they're in there. Funny how their attitude changes real fast. I overlook eye rolling and mumbling under their breath.

I would tell her acting like a brat will not get her sleepovers and each time she's snarky that's two days of being grounded. No phone, no friends.

[Anonymous]

It's normal for teens to rebel, but does anyone else in the house slam doors or not manage their anger well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's normal for teens to rebel, but does anyone else in the house slam doors or not manage their anger well?

No. We can be passionate types but not slamming doors or yelling.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's totally fine to set limits and boundaries for your teen.

As far as door slams-all of my kids had their doors 'go in timeout' (i.e, removed) at one point or another, for being slammed (just for 48 hrs and child could change in bathroom). Door slamming is a no-go for me.

13-15 was the attitude age for my kids. I held to my boundaries and used kindness also, and they are all pleasant, respected young adults now!

[Anonymous]

OP were you never a 13 YO middle school girl?

[Anonymous]

Listen to this podcasts- she talks about this issue and the challenges of 13 yr old girls and why they happen. You aren’t alone. I fully agree that limitations/boundaries are a must. They can be put in place jn a calm way. Don’t meet her upset energy. As bad as it is remain calm while you are upset. Model for her what you are saying/ it’s ok to be angry, not ok to do X.

https://drlisadamour.com/my-child-is-turning-into-a-teenager-how-do-i-handle-it/

[Anonymous]

Do you want her home for the sale of being home or do you have actual plans?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you want her home for the sale of being home or do you have actual plans?

No actual plans-just family time like dinner together and a movie or game. These are activities she no longer wants to do with us unless forced. Dinner she will be won’t offer much to the conversation and wants it to end soon and no on the after dinner stuff.

[Anonymous]

Totally normal but don’t take the rudeness. Plan a couple of family things but don’t expect her to hang out with you, sitting around watching movies. Be glad she has friends.

[Anonymous]

Read Untangled: the seven steps into adulthood (or something like that). Honestly I read it when DD was only 10 and i think that is a big reason that she is 15 and we have hardly ever had your typical teenage attitude-rebellion tension. Knock on wood, ha.

[Anonymous]

This was my middle schooler last year. I let her do a lot but put in some boundaries like she could only have X number of sleepovers or where and when I was willing to drive for the millionth time they wanted to go to Tysons. I understood she wanted to be super social but too many sleepovers made her even more cranky and I wasn’t an on call Uber for her plans. As for movie nights, we didn’t force that.

This year has been completely different. Nothing changed on my end but there’s less attitude and she’s enjoying doing things like baking cookies together again. She’s made some plans but they aren’t into sleepovers and it’s not nonstop like last year. DH are going with it and trying to remain calm on this teenage rollercoaster. Our son is the one with the attitude this year.

[Anonymous]

9:55 again and I suggest you don’t force anything like game night either. Have her there for dinner and the holidays but nothing is worse than trying to force a teen to play games with the family when they don’t want to be there. I even remember that as a kid.