Age gap considerations
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Anonymous
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I know no one can tell me what to do, but I would appreciate some insight from people who have BTDT. I had my first baby (from IVF) in early March. She is the result of our first cycle, 2nd transfer. We have 8 embryos left. I’m turning 33 next month.
My husband and I really want at least one more child. Do we do another embryo transfer at 18 months postpartum (when the doctor says it’s safe) or wait? On one hand, I’m a little intimidated of a small age gap. Everyone talks about how different it is. Furthermore, I want to enjoy our daughter as an only child for a while longer. On the other hand, I’m not opposed to getting the baby years out of the way— we aren’t getting any younger. Also, unfortunately, I’ve seen way too many of my friends and acquaintances go through pregnancy and infant loss. I know having a 2nd child may not be as easy (or even guaranteed) as it was the first time around. I would hate to aim for a certain age gap and then have it very pushed back years due to unforeseen circumstances. I just feel so torn. Thoughts?? |
Anonymous
| I had my first via IUI at 31, got pregnant by surprise seven months later. It was awesome and we liked it so much we had a third two years later, so I had three under four. It's a OT of work but I absolutely love having them so close. They're very close, everyone likes the same stuff, naps are over, they all like the same activities. It's been great for us. |
Anonymous
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Whatever the age gap is, it'll work out. I have four kids, and there's a 9 year gap between #2 and #3. You'd think the oldest and youngest wouldn't be close, but they are. And the two youngest are very close. When the oldest went to college, he'd FaceTime his younger siblings and they'd do study time together.
I have friends who aimed for a two year age gap, and when pregnant with the second had a miscarriage and it scared them off from trying again for a while, so their kids are four years, four months apart. The kids love the crap out of each other. I have another friend whose kids are 20 months apart and fight all day long but insist on sleeping in the same room and wearing matching pjs. Whatever the gap is, it'll work out. It's in how you raise your kids and what kind of people you raise them to be, and not how many years apart they are. |
Anonymous
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It will work out either way- don’t overthink.
A warning however: We needed IVF/ICSI to conceive #1….and then had a surprise pregnancy. And that pregnancy resulted in…twins. I kid you not. 3 under aged two for awhile. LOL. Then DH got a vasectomy. Story aside, I’d probably aim for 18mos. Seems reasonable. |
Anonymous
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I'd probably wait until closer to two years because there is always a risk of multiples and I love the baby years and don't want to be so overwhelmed that I don't get to enjoy them.
My kids have a 2 year and 9 month gap (3 school grades) and I love it. It's a big enough gap that there is less sibling rivalry, but they're still close enough in age to play together and have similar interests. |
Anonymous
+1 🙏 |
Anonymous
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Honestly, whatever gap you end up with will seem perfect for your family and you won’t be able to imagine anything different.
I suggest discussing with DH what minimum age difference you would be ok with and then start then. As you said, there are so many things out of your control and it probably will take longer to have a baby than you’d like. My story? Given my age, we started trying for #2, with my dr’s blessing, at 6 months pp. It took 5 months to conceive and that ended in a miscarriage. I conceived again the next month and I ended up with 2 under 2. It was really tough at first. But so, so cute and now that they are 10 & 8.5, I wouldn’t change a thing. |
Anonymous
| My kids are 17 months apart and I loveeee it. Get those pregnancy / baby years over with while you’re in the zone! |
Anonymous
| Under 2 years is great! Hard for a while, but so much easier when they are a little older bc they can do the same classes and activities, aren’t that far apart developmentally. |
Anonymous
I don't understand this philosophy. You want to get a dentist appointment over quickly but why woukd you rush through your child's life? |
Anonymous
| I had twins (spontaneous) and I absolutely love it so I'm a fan of small age gaps! I have many friends who got pregnant when their first was 1 so their babies are around 21 months apart and that also seems to work well for them. In my opinion it's easier when kids are closer in age because then they're doing more of the same things at the same time, versus having to bring a 7-year old home because the baby has to nap. |
Anonymous
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If you are going to have more than 2 I would do a closer age gap in the beginning if possible. Easier to have kid 1 and 2 closer in age, then have a gap, then have kid 3 and/or 4.
My kid 1 and 2 are 19 months apart and then there is 3.5 years between kid 2 and 3. I sometimes with we could have a 4th but I think I am already taxed with my 3 so we didn’t go for a 4th. |
Anonymous
This is an asinine comment. Some people don't enjoy the baby years. Some people want to be done with naps and diapers and not prolong it. Some people can't wait to travel with their kids and share hobbies. |
Anonymous
| My four are all about 2 years apart. It works well for me as the oldest will even play with the youngest. |
Anonymous
| I agree that you'll make any age gap work - and there's only so much you can do to control it. Our first two are 23 months apart, our second and third are 2.5 years apart. It's great having them all relatively close, albeit challenging when they're very little. They have lots of fun together and are a definite pack of kids, which we wanted (and were lucky enough to get). But there are advantages to waiting, too. Good luck, in any case! |