How to approach a dear friend about a "agree to disagree stance" on things

[Anonymous]

Bottom line my dear friend, unknown to me until recently, is a self proclaimed zionist. I did not know this about her. I don't even know she knew. Because of her staunch beliefs especially was of late, she has alienated a number of close people in her life including her own husband (a whole other story)
We had a falling out last week which was very upsetting to all that were there, but I care about her immensely and want to make amends in some way. I just want to tell her while I am fully behind the Israeli people I am totally against their government and anti zionist does not mean anti jewish or anti Israel. I strongly condemned what happened and fully understood the need for retaliation, I just don't agree with how far it went. To be fair, she has other things in her life causing her stress so I think everything happening is ecascerbating this.
I would hate to think our 18 year friendship will fall apart because of this. Any out there have any insight in the best way to approach this with her? This is someone I have a lot of history with and deeply care about. I just want us to be able to have our own beliefs and still find a space to respect one another.

[Anonymous]

You AGAIN?

She told you in no uncertain terms that it was over. You have to give her time to work through her feelings. A week is nowhere near enough, as long as the situation in Gaza is not resolved in some way (and right now it's worse than it ever was). You have to wait until this particular war has simmered down, and then reach out to a mutual friend to express your wish to reconnect. And then, if she accepts getting together over coffee or something, talk about anything else apart from that topic. There is no explicit agreement to disagree. There will be a tacit one, if you're both reasonable.

Honestly I would not want to run after someone like this, begging to be their friend. Someone who does not acknowledge the fundamental unfairness of the current situation is not someone I want as a friend.

[Anonymous]

omg. leave it alone!!! why are you so obsessed with what she thinks?

[Anonymous]

For you, this conflict is theoretical. For her, it’s existential. Do not offer her what is the equivalent of “I’m sorry, BUT…”

You need to give her a lot more time and space before you reach out, and then just offer to listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You AGAIN?

She told you in no uncertain terms that it was over. You have to give her time to work through her feelings. A week is nowhere near enough, as long as the situation in Gaza is not resolved in some way (and right now it's worse than it ever was). You have to wait until this particular war has simmered down, and then reach out to a mutual friend to express your wish to reconnect. And then, if she accepts getting together over coffee or something, talk about anything else apart from that topic. There is no explicit agreement to disagree. There will be a tacit one, if you're both reasonable.

Honestly I would not want to run after someone like this, begging to be their friend. Someone who does not acknowledge the fundamental unfairness of the current situation is not someone I want as a friend.

do you have a political litmus test for every geopolitical situation for your friends, or is it just Israel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You AGAIN?

She told you in no uncertain terms that it was over. You have to give her time to work through her feelings. A week is nowhere near enough, as long as the situation in Gaza is not resolved in some way (and right now it's worse than it ever was). You have to wait until this particular war has simmered down, and then reach out to a mutual friend to express your wish to reconnect. And then, if she accepts getting together over coffee or something, talk about anything else apart from that topic. There is no explicit agreement to disagree. There will be a tacit one, if you're both reasonable.

Honestly I would not want to run after someone like this, begging to be their friend. Someone who does not acknowledge the fundamental unfairness of the current situation is not someone I want as a friend.

do you have a political litmus test for every geopolitical situation for your friends, or is it just Israel?

You want to eyeroll your way to 17 thousand civilian deaths, many of them children? I wouldn't want YOU as a friend.
To answer your question, it's not just Israel. I am from a multicultural family with relatives from all over the world, who speak difference languages and worship different sets of deities. But there are lines in the sand. Tacit agreement to crushing an entire population is crossing that line. If you have difficulty with this concept, you can transpose it to any other place and time, with non-Israeli actors.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why this is a question for the religion forum. Seems more like a politics question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For you, this conflict is theoretical. For her, it’s existential. Do not offer her what is the equivalent of “I’m sorry, BUT…”

You need to give her a lot more time and space before you reach out, and then just offer to listen.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You AGAIN?

She told you in no uncertain terms that it was over. You have to give her time to work through her feelings. A week is nowhere near enough, as long as the situation in Gaza is not resolved in some way (and right now it's worse than it ever was). You have to wait until this particular war has simmered down, and then reach out to a mutual friend to express your wish to reconnect. And then, if she accepts getting together over coffee or something, talk about anything else apart from that topic. There is no explicit agreement to disagree. There will be a tacit one, if you're both reasonable.

Honestly I would not want to run after someone like this, begging to be their friend. Someone who does not acknowledge the fundamental unfairness of the current situation is not someone I want as a friend.

do you have a political litmus test for every geopolitical situation for your friends, or is it just Israel?

You want to eyeroll your way to 17 thousand civilian deaths, many of them children? I wouldn't want YOU as a friend.
To answer your question, it's not just Israel. I am from a multicultural family with relatives from all over the world, who speak difference languages and worship different sets of deities. But there are lines in the sand. Tacit agreement to crushing an entire population is crossing that line. If you have difficulty with this concept, you can transpose it to any other place and time, with non-Israeli actors.

Hamas can give themselves up and stop endangering the civilian Palestinian population anytime they’d like.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, if you criticize the murder of Palestinian children that makes American Jews feel unsafe for some reason.

[Anonymous]

chin people! This is a friend I have had in my life for 18 years. We were each others maid of honor, have been on countless trips, this is more than a casual friend. I care deeply about her, her marriage is in trouble, her son is struggling and I am sensitive to all that, which makes me want to be able to help her. But she is alienating everyone. I guess I need to take a step back, I just don't want her to feel alone. Shoot me for being a nice person!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, if you criticize the murder of Palestinian children that makes American Jews feel unsafe for some reason.

Insanity, I agree. I won't back down on my (strong) feelings on the subject but I care enough about our friendship where I can agree to disagree and not absolve our friendship over it.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is better off without you in her life if you’re not willing to set this aside to be a true friend to her.

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t want to be friends with you. Tough luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line my dear friend, unknown to me until recently, is a self proclaimed zionist. I did not know this about her. I don't even know she knew. Because of her staunch beliefs especially was of late, she has alienated a number of close people in her life including her own husband (a whole other story)
We had a falling out last week which was very upsetting to all that were there, but I care about her immensely and want to make amends in some way. I just want to tell her while I am fully behind the Israeli people I am totally against their government and anti zionist does not mean anti jewish or anti Israel. I strongly condemned what happened and fully understood the need for retaliation, I just don't agree with how far it went. To be fair, she has other things in her life causing her stress so I think everything happening is ecascerbating this.
I would hate to think our 18 year friendship will fall apart because of this. Any out there have any insight in the best way to approach this with her? This is someone I have a lot of history with and deeply care about. I just want us to be able to have our own beliefs and still find a space to respect one another.

By most definitions, being Anti-Zionist means you oppose the existence of the state of Israel. Similarly, to most Jews, Zionism is simply support for the existence of the state of Israel. Perhaps you are talking past each other to some extent, as you suggest in your post that you are Anti-Zionist and "totally against" the Israeli government but, at the same time "fully behind the Israeli people." So if you do support the existence of the state of Israel (although you didn't state that explicitly) but disagree with some aspects of the current Israeli government's response to Hamas (rather then opposing any response or the Israeli government writ large), maybe don't call yourself "Anti-Zionist," which is polarizing.

It sounds like you are not Jewish, in which case you will never fully understand how the current situation affects many Jewish people to their core. Maybe read the following speech to understand better.
https://www.democrats.senate.gov/newsroom/press-releases/majority-leader-schumer-delivers-major-address-on-antisemitism-on-the-senate-floor

Look, it's easy to sit here in the U.S. and opine. Suddenly everyone is an expert on the complexities of the Middle East, many of whom are critical of Israel yet don't know the history, have never visited the region, and have been silent on the persecution of young women in Iran, Christians in the ME, the Yazidis, the Saudi/Yemen conflict, ISIS/ADF in Africa and so on... Yet Israel defends itself after a terrorist attack, and people who can't even find Gaza on a map have one-sided outrage and condemnation...not only for Israel but also, interestingly, Jews around the world.

I've never supported Netanyahu and still want a peace process with a two-state solution. At the same time, I know that Hamas conducted a brutal rampage of murder, rape, and torture on 10/7 and its leadership has vowed to continue, as its stated goal is the eradication of Israel and all its Jewish inhabitants. I understand the need to take down Hamas but also that it uses human shields (non-voluntary "martyrs") and integrates its operations into hospitals and schools. So this is a complex situation, with both civilian Palestinian and Israelis suffering mightily. I don't have the answers but do know that they can't be found in the chants on college campuses these days.

Sometimes its a good approach to humble oneself, listen and learn with an open heart.