Mom visiting

[Anonymous]

My mom has dementia and comes to visit for long periods. I am grateful she can still travel. However it’s hard when she’s here. I want to enjoy my time with her but she suffocates me. She always says she’s so lonely, which isn’t true. She follows my every step inside the house , and wants to join me whenever I leave the house (I work from home). I need some alone time in my life, and she can’t be alone for just a few moments. I can reason with her - it was difficult before but the guilt tripping and infantile tantrums have only increased since her diagnosis. I m slowly seeing my relationship being poisoned, and I want to be able to enjoy the time I have left with her. How can I manage to do that? Please don’t give advice like hiring someone. She only wants me while I am here and I don’t feel obligated to spend money on an aide, and she is too stingy.

[Anonymous]

^^ I cannot reason with her

[Anonymous]

This is the reality of dementia. No, people with dementia can't be left alone for a few minutes. It's difficult and exhausting to care for someone with dementia, and is a 24/7 job. Either you do it, or you hire someone to do it while she visits you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the reality of dementia. No, people with dementia can't be left alone for a few minutes. It's difficult and exhausting to care for someone with dementia, and is a 24/7 job. Either you do it, or you hire someone to do it while she visits you.

This.

My family has had good experiences with HHA from Visiting Angels fwiw.

You need to adjust your expectations, OP. And factor in safety with a dementia diagnosis. What is the set up when she is home? Does she live alone? A HHA can provide safety, care and socialization. If she lives alone, what is the plan for when that is no longer feasible?

[Anonymous]

Would she be open to visiting an adult day care center during the day? It would give her an opportunity for a little socialization (even those with dementia could benefit), and a break for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the reality of dementia. No, people with dementia can't be left alone for a few minutes. It's difficult and exhausting to care for someone with dementia, and is a 24/7 job. Either you do it, or you hire someone to do it while she visits you.

She can very safely stay alone - she is not that far along yet. Also, I think you misread my post. She is visiting, that means she stays in my house. I am the one who wants to leave the house alone. I didn’t say that she needs to leave the house alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would she be open to visiting an adult day care center during the day? It would give her an opportunity for a little socialization (even those with dementia could benefit), and a break for you.

I asked my cleaning lady whether she knows someone who can take her out for 2 hours a few times a week. Let’s see. The daycare center would be a bad idea it would be confusing for my mom. My cleaning lady offered to take her once a week, I think that would work.

[Anonymous]

Would she get engaged with a TV program or a jigsaw puzzle? Some large print books and a cup of coffee? Something that would have her happily in her own activity

[Anonymous]

The following behavior is normal for dementia. She just doesn't feel safe unless she has someone she trusts within eyesight.

I think it's time you hired an aide, "feel obligated" or not. She has dementia and it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom has dementia and comes to visit for long periods. I am grateful she can still travel. However it’s hard when she’s here. I want to enjoy my time with her but she suffocates me. She always says she’s so lonely, which isn’t true. She follows my every step inside the house , and wants to join me whenever I leave the house (I work from home). I need some alone time in my life, and she can’t be alone for just a few moments. I can reason with her - it was difficult before but the guilt tripping and infantile tantrums have only increased since her diagnosis. I m slowly seeing my relationship being poisoned, and I want to be able to enjoy the time I have left with her. How can I manage to do that? Please don’t give advice like hiring someone. She only wants me while I am here and I don’t feel obligated to spend money on an aide, and she is too stingy.

It is true, though. She feels alone and anxious -- that's the dementia, and while she may be physically safe, that's her feeling.

She might be physically safe if you left her alone (although you won't know that's no longer OK until something alarming happens), but she would be anxious. If you don't have a friend who'd be willing to sit with her for a few hours, you are going to need to hire someone, because yes, even for a weeklong visit, you need a break.

[Anonymous]

Do not expect anything positive with your mother from now until her death.

You're supposed to know this, but apparently you don't, so I'm telling you.

If sometimes there's a glint of shared joy or connection, then my goodness, you're lucky and it's more than you could ever reasonably expect.

Decide your interactions with that knowledge in mind.

[Anonymous]

If you work remotely, can you visit her and work from her home instead? Change of location can be very difficult for people with dementia. So while she lives safely alone at her house, that is her comfort zone. She may not even be able to articulate why she feels insecure at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the reality of dementia. No, people with dementia can't be left alone for a few minutes. It's difficult and exhausting to care for someone with dementia, and is a 24/7 job. Either you do it, or you hire someone to do it while she visits you.

She can very safely stay alone - she is not that far along yet. Also, I think you misread my post. She is visiting, that means she stays in my house. I am the one who wants to leave the house alone. I didn’t say that she needs to leave the house alone.

Um, I think you misread MY post. I didn't say anything about your mom leaving the house alone. And I acknowledged that I know she is visiting when I said (my very last words) "while she visits you."

If she "is not that far along yet" and "can very safely stay alone," then go ahead and leave her at home alone while you leave the house. What's the problem?

[Anonymous]

You can't decide she's not lonely. If she feels lonely, she's lonely. I am often most lonely in a big crowd of people. Can you set her up with an activity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The following behavior is normal for dementia. She just doesn't feel safe unless she has someone she trusts within eyesight.

I think it's time you hired an aide, "feel obligated" or not. She has dementia and it is what it is.

+1. OP you need to read up on dementia asap on how to handle people with dementia. You are treating your mom in pre-dementia ways, and this will not be good for either of you.

You have to meet your mom where she is, each and every time.

And I’m not sure someone with dementia should be traveling independently.

It took a while for it to sink in that my own mom had dementia. This sounds like where you’re at right now. This is not the same mom from when you were 10 years old—she now has serious memory issues and needs help.