4yo just doesn’t listen!

[Anonymous]

I am so fed up with my 4yo DD not listening. Ever. It ranges from ignoring us when we tell her it’s time to get ready for bed or leave the house (with plenty of warning beforehand), to completely disregarding when we ask her to not do something (stop jumping on the couch, it’s not time for a snack, don’t throw a ball/toy in the house, not play with something that isn’t a toy).

No joke, we’ve had her ears checked to make sure she doesn’t have an issue (all clear).

What is the best way to get your child to listen, particularly when they are doing something you want them to stop doing? And what is the best consequence when they don’t listen? We regularly take away TV time and desserts because they seems to be cared about most, but it doesn’t seem to make an impact.

[Anonymous]

You could have described my 4 year old, lol. No real advice, just solidarity from someone at the same stage.

We emphasize the idea of working together as a team which means everyone leaving the house at the same time *with our shoes on.* No balls are available inside the house, it was too much of a temptation. And if they're doing something they really shouldn't, I try to distract with something else that is even more fun, like unloading the dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

I asked the same question to a pediatric psychiatrist. She said that it is an unrealistic expectation if you want your child listen to you right away. Children just don't listen. So we just have to say the same thing thousand times until they finally listen. It is totally possible they still don't listen. And we still try. Perhaps that is a core element of parenting.
When you get mad with your DD not listening, my advice is to think about your life. Have you lived your life exactly in the way your parents told you or expected you to live? Probably not. I was a perfectly normal child without any behavioral issues. At school, I was a straight A student. But I defied my parents in so many ways. Your DD is a perfectly normal child.

[Anonymous]

"Children just don't listen. So we just have to say the same thing thousand times until they finally listen." This was the pediatric psychiatrist's advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Children just don't listen. So we just have to say the same thing thousand times until they finally listen." This was the pediatric psychiatrist's advice.

That seems defeatist. Our parent trainer said to focus on specific praise for good things and one on one quality time to shore up the relationship. Then expect compliance - otherwise kids learn to tune you out.

[Anonymous]

It's hard for kids to hear "don't do that, don't do this, no, no, no" all day. So there are some tricks you can learn that get what you want without constantly having to correct behavior. A few off the top of my head:

- Redirection. Instead of "don't jump on the couch" you say "hey would you like to help me strip the beds-- you can jump in the pile of sheets and pillows before I put it in the wash." It helps if you recognize what need is being met by the negative behavior (attention, exercise, rest, hunger) and redirect to a better activity that satisfies the same need.

- Explain rules. Instead of "don't jump on the couch" go sit down next to her and say "hey, have I ever told you WHY we don't want you to jump on the couch?" Kids are naturally curious and like learning about the world around them. Explain how couches are constructed and what happens when you use them like trampolines. Then next time, instead of "don't do that!" you say "hey remember what that does to the couch?" and see if she stops on her own. Knowledge is power.

- Bribes. Or as I like to call it: incentives. If you get ready for bed the first time I ask, I read an extra book.

- Routines. If you can discipline yourself to follow rock solid routines for the toughest battles, it lets them know exactly what to expect and can eliminate some battles.

It just takes time to learn. It hard at first but when you figure out what works, you discover it's much easier to do this stuff than to do the constant instructions/corrections that get ignored. Don't get me wrong-- I still instruct and correct. But I've learned to do it less, pick my battles, and have a lot more ways to get my kid to comply with my expectations than I used to.

[Anonymous]

A 4 yo will not listen/obey commands. (Neither will most people at any age, honestly.) you have to state a clear request and what will happen if they don’t do it, and/or proceed to take the action yourself if they don’t. Something like jumping on a couch is a behavior they’re doing because they need to play. So, you have to give them some alternative place to jump or climb. If a ball is thrown, it’s taken away. If they get a snack too early, it’s taken and you say “you can have this back at snack time.” Etc.

[Anonymous]

Try only positive commands and only when necessary. Like "come sit next to me" instead of "dont run" or "play with this" instead of "dont touch that".

Give simple instructions one at at time. Not a list of things like "turn the tv off, bring your water cup, and wash your hands before coming to the table". Try just the first one then praise when she does it then give the second command.

Repeat yourself 3 times with 30 seconds between each. After the second time tell her the consequence if she doesnt respond. After the 3rd time enact the consequence.

Finally keep an eye for other adhd symptoms. Kids with adhd cannot process nor control impulses the way other kids can. "She never listens!" Is a super common precursor to an adhd diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Wah

[Anonymous]

Jeez, what a bunch of weird advice, especially from a pediatrician!

Don't keep saying the same thing over and over again, that teaches them not to listen. Say it once, give them about 15 or 20 seconds to process, then tell them what the consequences will be if they don't respond appropriately. Then follow through, every time.

Don't yell at them, ever. If you are getting frustrated get down to their level, look them directly in the eyes and in a serious but even voice say something like, "I told you to pick up the toys. Do it now. Understand?" If they don't do it you physically make them do it, hand over hand, no matter whether they are crying or tantruming or whatever. Consistency and no fooling around. If you say time for bed and they don't go within a minute or two at the most you physically take them there and proceed with bedtime routine. No yelling, no getting mad, just I'm not kidding.

Punishments and taking stuff away often ends up in a contest of wills. Insisting that whatever you direct them to do or not do will happen or you will immediately make it happen works much better.

[Anonymous]

Warning, redirect, timeout.

[Anonymous]

What are the consequences if they don’t do it? Kids don’t care.

[Anonymous]

The thing that has worked best for us is praising DD as much as possible when she does as she is told. "Thank you for putting on your shoes! You are doing such a great job listening!" An added bonus is that she is getting really good at saying please and thank you to us because we are constantly saying it to her.

[Anonymous]

Try to avoid having to give too many directions. Make eye contact with a direction that tells her what you want her to do. Wait for her to have time to process and then repeat. Then pick her up and move her off the couch or physically put the shoes on for her, saying that soon she will be grown up enough to do this by herself. Little kids don’t want to be thought of as babies.

She’s testing limits. So every single time, you follow through. Try to think of logical consequences. You jump on the couch, you aren’t allowed to sit on it for three days. They aren’t ready on time, within reason for a little kid, you get them ready first next time and they sit by the door with a book ten minutes early while the rest of the family gets ready. They don’t pick up toys, you help them do it by hold your hand over theirs and “show” them how to close their fingers over an item and lift it.

You also try to think ahead of what needs to happen next and give warning and then try to make it fun. Set a timer and try to beat it when picking up Legos and throwing them in a bin. Timer goes off, you cheer or mown, then hug the kid and say it’s so fun to clean up with you.

Positive good cheer is tiring sometimes, but much better than yelling. A child this age wants to connect with you. They aren’t going to just follow orders.

[Anonymous]

Lol. Psychologists don't know anything, just baby them worse.

Set boundaries. Don't get scared of your child.
Teach discipline, even 1 years old understand No when they about to touch the plug in