Surprise family trip

[Anonymous]

My in laws “surprised” us with a holiday family excursion trip to a foreign country. They already booked all the flights and hotel. They expect us to pay our own way. When we said we didn’t have the budget for it, they said that they would pay for half our flight and hotel costs. It’s still several thousand dollars that we don’t have and we are still in a lot of debt. They have also invited their other children and their families, so it is a full family affair.

We are in debt partly because of our in-laws, who insisted that we help buy them a home in a luxury development in a home that is way too large (and too expensive) for them. While we still live in a place that is too small for us, and additionally, have taken in a roommate to pay rent and cover our living costs.

We are from a culture where we are expected to financially take care of our elders and do as they ask but it’s just really taking a toll on us. How can we set some boundaries politely without blowing up the family ties? This happens almost every year and I feel like we have no choice in the matter.

[Anonymous]

This is when you talk to friends from the same culture and see what has worked for them. The answers you get here may not be that helpful.

In your current situation, I would suck it up but get your partner to tell their parents that the trip sounds amazing, but please to ask first next time.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely don't go. It's not OK to impose a gift with conditions like the receiver needing to to chip in money and take time off work.

[Anonymous]

I highly doubt there is a way to back out of the trip that they’ll find polite. I would just do it to set that boundary and live with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely don't go. It's not OK to impose a gift with conditions like the receiver needing to to chip in money and take time off work.

This. Everything you are doing is not working. Your own family should be your first priority and going into debt is bad enough, its even worse when its to the benefit of someone else. Nope nope nope! You have your own children to think about. Parents like your inlaws are incredibly selfish and irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I highly doubt there is a way to back out of the trip that they’ll find polite. I would just do it to set that boundary and live with the consequences.

OP should say if they ever want grandchildren they can't spend money on their parents.

[Anonymous]

Where are they getting the money to split the cost with you if you already helped pay for their house? Seems like they’re still spending your money! Are all the other siblings going?

I think it’s time for your DH to have a private discussion with them about the fact you want to honor cultural expectations but it’s simply not realistic in this economy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws “surprised” us with a holiday family excursion trip to a foreign country. They already booked all the flights and hotel. They expect us to pay our own way. When we said we didn’t have the budget for it, they said that they would pay for half our flight and hotel costs. It’s still several thousand dollars that we don’t have and we are still in a lot of debt. They have also invited their other children and their families, so it is a full family affair.

We are in debt partly because of our in-laws, who insisted that we help buy them a home in a luxury development in a home that is way too large (and too expensive) for them. While we still live in a place that is too small for us, and additionally, have taken in a roommate to pay rent and cover our living costs.

We are from a culture where we are expected to financially take care of our elders and do as they ask but it’s just really taking a toll on us. How can we set some boundaries politely without blowing up the family ties? This happens almost every year and I feel like we have no choice in the matter.

No. You let IL's know you have financial issues because you supported them in buying their property and you have no additional funds to travel. They can either reimburse you for the property or go without you. Don't have a long drawn out conversation. No we are unable to join. End of conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws “surprised” us with a holiday family excursion trip to a foreign country. They already booked all the flights and hotel. They expect us to pay our own way. When we said we didn’t have the budget for it, they said that they would pay for half our flight and hotel costs. It’s still several thousand dollars that we don’t have and we are still in a lot of debt. They have also invited their other children and their families, so it is a full family affair.

We are in debt partly because of our in-laws, who insisted that we help buy them a home in a luxury development in a home that is way too large (and too expensive) for them. While we still live in a place that is too small for us, and additionally, have taken in a roommate to pay rent and cover our living costs.

We are from a culture where we are expected to financially take care of our elders and do as they ask but it’s just really taking a toll on us. How can we set some boundaries politely without blowing up the family ties? This happens almost every year and I feel like we have no choice in the matter.

I assume you now live in the USA as do the inlaws. Feel free to go with USA culture which does not include adult married children with children living in a too small residence and taking in boarders to finance a luxury lifestyle for parents/inlaws. There's a difference between helping and grifters.

Do you rent or have a mortgage? Do these people have access to or are additional account owners on any of your bank or investment accounts? If not then all you say is NO. There always can be expectations or just moral considerations for helping and some states have filial support laws.

[Anonymous]

If it were me, i’d lay it all out about the financial situation, that we must live within our means and not go into debt for non-essentials. But i have no idea what the proper way to discuss this would be in your culture so you should chat with others in that culture.

[Anonymous]

You need to blow up the family dynamic. There is no getting around this.

[Anonymous]

I really hope you're a troll, OP. Which culture is it, exactly? Because I'm from a culture that expects adult children to provide for their elders, but only within reason, obviously. This is entirely insane!

So no. You should refuse to contribute, and refuse to spend your money the way they want. If they're angry, well then, too bad, you won't lift a finger for them when they're old.

This is not a cultural problem. It's either a troll or a crazy family problem.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband not have a spine? I am very supportive of helping families - especially our elders. But these are very financially dubious decisions that are being made. You can’t help support them when they are older if you aren’t in a good financial situation yourselves.

There is NO way you should take a vacation you can’t afford because your husband doesn’t know how to prioritize getting in decent financial shape as a family first.

[Anonymous]

Are you Indian, OP? I have seen this scenario play out in different ways in my community. Not sure what the solution is though.