Queen Bees

[Anonymous]

In my local social circle, queen bees are very nice and helpful and everybody sees their value in group's social lives but the sense of a hierarchy or center and periphery is obvious to everyone.

Is this a common observation? Do you've queen bees or king bees in your social groups?

[Anonymous]

I have a group of female friends and there is definitely a queen bee/leader in the way that she is outgoing and communicative and has a very engaging and magnetic personality. She puts a lot more effort into socializing than others do and I appreciate it because I’m not great at keeping in touch and nurturing friendships in the way I’d like to. I personally don’t mind it because she is a kind and fun person and I prefer not being at the center of the group.

[Anonymous]

There is always a hierarchy wherever you go in life. It's necessary because otherwise nothing would get done.

Some like to lead and others like to follow. Pros and cons to both.

[Anonymous]

Humans have hierarchies. No way out of it. They might not be as obvious once you are out of middle school. But then again, they might be.

[Anonymous]

No. There are Cruise Directors / Planners and more flexible people who are usually happy to do whatever.

[Anonymous]

Queen bees are fine if they earn their keep. And they need to know when their time is up and a new queen in anointed.

[Anonymous]

However, even if you do genuinely like queen bees, sometimes it seems odd that everyone in the group (including yourself) tries to stay in their good books or sings their praises at a higher note than of others.

[Anonymous]

There's definitely a QB in my circle and there are also always several others trying to oust her - not because of anything the QB has done but because the ones wanting to oust her want to be the QB.

[Anonymous]

I do not think hierarchies are necessary in social settings. I think they are necessary in organizations, but also that in a properly run organization, hierarchies will be kept in check by healthy mechanisms for keeping those at the top accountable.

I don't think neighborhoods, friend groups, school communities, or even families need hierarchies, and I think they actually work best when there is simply mutual respect and appreciation but no real need to decide who (among this group of equally situated people) is "best" or most important.

IME queen bees are women who want to impose hierarchies on situations where they aren't really needed. They see what they perceive as a power vacuum and try to fill it. A queen bee is, by definition, someone who is trying to control and manipulate others. A kind, helpful organizer isn't a "queen bee." That's just a good friend or community member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:However, even if you do genuinely like queen bees, sometimes it seems odd that everyone in the group (including yourself) tries to stay in their good books or sings their praises at a higher note than of others.

This is the problem, though -- if you have a bona fide queen bee in your group, people will work to ingratiate themselves with her. They will compete for her attention, and that competition becomes toxic because people will feel compelled to try and put themselves above others using tactics like gossip and exclusion. It always goes wrong.

Sometimes the queen bee encourages or participates in this behavior, and that's the worst possible situation. But even when the QB stays "above the fray," she's usually flattered by the attention and can exploit it in ways that make it worse.

It never ends well. There are always casualties.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think I’ve ever observed this among adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’ve ever observed this among adults.

I have, though it took me a looooong time to understand what was happening because it was so weird to me that adult women would behave this way. Also, I am someone who simply does not gossip. People will gossip to me and I will just express no interest and change the subject. It's not really even a principled stance. A little that but mostly I think I just am not that interested in it -- I don't care about people's sex lives or what Mary said to Janet about Angela's new haircut. Most gossip is boring.

But because I didn't participate in the gossip I didn't really realize how that group of women worked and didn't understand all the hidden hierarchies and rivalries. So it took me a couple years to realize how bad it was and the degree to which the QB egged it on and used it to her advantage. It was really sad to find out.

[Anonymous]

It's weird to me that you say Queen or King Bees. There's usually someone who organizes things, yes. I guess I'd consider them socialites.

[Anonymous]

Not among my friends. It sounds really tiring.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend group with this dynamic. It was exhausting. I am way more distanced from them and much much happier!