How do I get my mother to show some appreciation?

[Anonymous]

I had to move my 75-year-old mother in with me a few weeks ago. Considering everything she did for me when I was younger, I initially had no problem doing this despite the sacrifices I would have to make. However, she's been here nearly two months, and she has yet to show an ounce of gratitude. She always wants to be left alone unless she needs something from me and she hasn't uttered a single "thank you" since she moved in. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to move my 75-year-old mother in with me a few weeks ago. Considering everything she did for me when I was younger, I initially had no problem doing this despite the sacrifices I would have to make. However, she's been here nearly two months, and she has yet to show an ounce of gratitude. She always wants to be left alone unless she needs something from me and she hasn't uttered a single "thank you" since she moved in. What would you do?

Stop expecting thank yous. Have a conversation. Is she happy in your home? Any other options?

Maybe she has dementia or maybe she feels she never got a thank you?

[Anonymous]

She is dealing with her mortality.

[Anonymous]

Make sure she’s on antidepressants

[Anonymous]

I would stop standing on ceremony.

[Anonymous]

Are all these mother hate/resent posts from same poster??

[Anonymous]

Stop expecting thank yous

Come up with a system for her addressing her issues so you don’t feel like you are on call.

Be happy she gives you your space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to move my 75-year-old mother in with me a few weeks ago. Considering everything she did for me when I was younger, I initially had no problem doing this despite the sacrifices I would have to make. However, she's been here nearly two months, and she has yet to show an ounce of gratitude. She always wants to be left alone unless she needs something from me and she hasn't uttered a single "thank you" since she moved in. What would you do?

She may be wanting to be left alone because she doesn't want to be more of a bother and feels like she is more of an intrusion. Have you expressed any positive feelings about her being with you? Like, “I’m so glad you are here with us.” Or “It’s nice to be able to have dinner with you each night.” Or something similar?

[Anonymous]

Hmm. The issue is that your premise is flawed. People who have children SHOULD take care of them. So the "she did so much for me" gratitude has never made much sense to me. Of course she did, that's how it works when you choose to become a parent. You don't get to hold that over your child's head for the rest of their lives. YOU CHOOSE to have the child.

Parenting involves a certain amount of selflessness.

But I realize this doesn't solve your day to day hurt.

[Anonymous]

Please give some thought to why you need appreciation from her. What are you really looking for and why.

She's just had a huge life change and is no longer the head of her own household. Her routines, rooms, habits, etc., have been tossed and she needs time to adjust to the change. Most parents don't expect to be 'parented' by their kids and its unknown territory for both of you.

Considering backing off a bit on what you want from her and focus on building your new relationship/roles with each other.

[Anonymous]

Neutral is the best you can hope for. Continue the arrangement only if you don't need to be thanked, because you won't be. Does she have money for her own place? You need to know all of her financial details. You should not move her in without having complete knowledge of her money, and be able to plan for the future.

[Anonymous]

OP you should really acknowledge what you're doing, for yourself. Treat yourself, take yourself out. Don't wait for your mom. I think it will come, but give it time.

[Anonymous]

If my mom had to move in with me at 75, she'd probably be pretty bummed about it - even though we are basically best friends. She is now 81 and still lives her normal life in her house with her dogs and my father. Perhaps she is upset or sad that this is where she is in life, and dealing with her mortality.

I agree with the poster who said to tell her how much you enjoy having her, not make her feel like you NEED a thank you. That's completely the wrong way to approach it, especially since you acknowledge she did alot for you when you were a kid.

The role reversal from care taker to being cared for is very hard. Give her some grace.

[Anonymous]

You can't. Also, she is depressed, lower your expectations.

[Anonymous]

Did you spend your childhood thanking her for all the things she did for you? No, of course not, it wasn't necessary then and it isn't necessary now either. Give her more time to feel comfortable living with you, maybe eventually you'll get a thank you but if you don't you should know that you are still doing the right thing. In fact, based on many other posts here, just be happy she isn't driving you insane or torturing you with her behavior.